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Hiding your boredom and disinterest

Such Irony

Honor Thy Inferior
Joined
Jul 23, 2010
Messages
5,059
MBTI Type
INtp
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I have difficulties where I'm in a group of others where they will be talking about stuff that I have no knowledge of and no interest in. I try to hide my disinterest to the best of my ability and I must do a pretty good job of it because rarely do they say "you must be bored" and they just keep talking about the same thing. But I feel really awkward in these types of conversations. It's hard when the topic of conversation gives you nothing you can contribute and its hard to ask questions without looking completely ignorant. I often feel this way because when I'm in a group of people, so many of the conversations focus on pop culture things like movies and TV, which I rarely pay attention to. I couldn't even tell you most of the movies that are playing in the theatre right now.

At work most of the people are older than me and are in a different stage of life. They will talk about their families and such and issues they have in raising their children. I have no kids and am unmarried and feel like I'm on a completely different plane from them.

The things that interest me just wouldn't interest most people so I don't bring them up.

When I'm in conversation though, I don't want to hurt the others' feelings by looking like I'm bored with what they have to say. But I don't want to spend the whole time listening to something that I don't relate to and can't contribute to.

Anyone relate and how do you get better at handling these sorts of conversations? Do you know of any ways to maybe redirect the conversation to something of more interest without making it look too obvious that you were bored with the original topic?
 

Stevo

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Jun 16, 2010
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406
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I usually, when in a group situation, just take a backseat in the conversation when I have nothing of interest to say and occupy myself with my own thoughts. If a subject I'm interested in is touched upon, I'll rejoin the conversation. Most people usually don't notice unless you're in a more personal context of interaction if you slip in and out of the conversation in an unobtrusive manner.
 

Accept

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Dec 14, 2008
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TRUE
I've made sure most of the people I'm likely to have a group conversation with are aware that any story about their children better be quick and to the point. They also know I don't care if their team won, who they're hoping will win (fill in prime time challenge show here), or any sad tales from their lives, unless they are sincere about finding alternatives to what caused the problem. They're more than welcome to discuss such things, but they also know I will disconnect and that they shouldn't take offense when I pick up something to read or leave the room - definitely leave when they want to discuss details of medical procedures, each trying to be more graphic than the person who started the conversation. In a work setting I simply go back to whatever it is I was doing before the conversation started.
The most difficult bit was convincing them ahead of time that any appearance of rudeness is not intended to offend, but simply a lack of interest in such things.
An exception, where I'm more than willing to be rude, involves the woe is me type stories about their boyfriend/girlfriend, or anyone who claims every man/woman they meet is a loser. Most of those types have learned not to approach me since my response is usually to suggest they look at the common link to their problem by looking in the mirror.
I also answer 'no' when asked if I want to know a secret, or if asked if I can keep a secret, the answer is also 'no.' Usually the person who wants to share has already told others, or is about to do so and eventually they find someone to blame for leaking the information.

Sometimes I think they only reason they tolerate me is that they also know I will do whatever I can to help them if they really want help, and if I find the conversation boring, I still like the people talking.
 
R

ReflecTcelfeR

Guest
I do my best to relate my knowledge to whatever others are speaking about if I can, but if I can't I just wait, as patiently possible to perhaps naturally change the subject, or hopefully I can reciprocate in the conversation. I don't like one-sided conversations, but I do like one-sided objects! Mobious structures I think they're called, I watched a video in a different thread, sounds awesome! Something like that usually works :).
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
I think in these situations I can appear really absent minded. I don't usually try to be rude, but I might for example leave without saying anything, or start doing something trivial, like playing with any object I can find. I do try to divert the discussion into a direction that I could also enjoy... I think I usually manage to do that pretty well...
 

Trentham

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Joined
Jan 14, 2010
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304
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INTP
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5w4
At work most of the people are older than me and are in a different stage of life. They will talk about their families and such and issues they have in raising their children. I have no kids and am unmarried and feel like I'm on a completely different plane from them.
Depending on what type of people you work with, this may never change, even when you enter a different stage of life.
 

rav3n

.
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
Depending on what type of people you work with, this may never change, even when you enter a different stage of life.
I agree with this.

One way to offset boredom in other peoples' lives is to pay attention so you build an internal database of who they are which includes interests and potentially perceive them as real people, rather than information sources. The more you put into friendships, the more others will put into getting to know your interests and being actively interested in you as a person.

But of course, there will be individuals who no matter what you do, bore the living crap out of you. No one can get along with everyone.

Whoah, this site is so good for eureka moments for me. Thanks for this thread suchirony!
 

miss fortune

not to be trusted
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I get around this by finding almost EVERYTHING interesting... and if the conversation turns to basketball or american football I simply steer it in another direction :coffee:
 
Joined
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Anyone relate and how do you get better at handling these sorts of conversations? Do you know of any ways to maybe redirect the conversation to something of more interest without making it look too obvious that you were bored with the original topic?

Most group situations I enter are those that have a predisposed theme. If whoever decides to stray, I usually try to lasso the conversation back into the realm of constructivism by shifting body into a dominant position while raising my voice a shade, just enough to grab everyone's attention, maybe bring up a quick point with a recent observation (If you call recall, we're here to discuss blah. Such and such recently happened which has led me to think that blah blah may be true. Whacha think?). I understand this probably isn't relevant to your predicament, but giving you partial advice is a good excuse to get other thoughts out.

I don't have any plans that'll help when you're in any that are undesired other than offending them, tuning out, or relocating.

Have you tried buying a walkman?
 

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
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Lots of smiling and nodding. In a non-creepy way ;) seriously, that tends to work quite well and people think you're lovely and a fantastic conversationalist. :D

If it's a situation I'm stuck in for hours on end, I probably will end up looking bored and tired eventually, but I'll probably just apologise and say "sorry, I'm pretty tired" and people are generally ok with that. Sometimes I can redirect conversations into areas I find more interesting, but if it's a really long conversation and there's been very little I can relate to and I really feel like the odd one out, that's probably not going to work too well. If there are one or two people I realise I can talk to in a more fulfilling way, and depending on the situation, we might split off a bit and have a side conversation.
 
R

RDF

Guest
It's hard when the topic of conversation gives you nothing you can contribute and its hard to ask questions without looking completely ignorant.

I think that your problem is the bolded part. I've heard that sort of thing from INTPs before, and it always catches me by surprise: What's wrong with looking completely ignorant? After all, it's the truth. Besides, once you admit that you're completely ignorant, then you can ask lots of questions and steer the conversation in a variety of ways.

For example, if someone wants to talk about sports, I'll say, "I'm so far out of it, that I don't even know if the home team is having a good year or a bad year. How are they doing this year, in fact?" And basically I'll take the opportunity and make the fellow mentor me on the home team: What are their odds for the season? For the next game? Who is the star player? Any big controversies with the team?"

Like I say, I make the guy mentor me. It's a lot quicker than sitting down and actually watching a game to find out what's happening. And then whatever information that guy gives me becomes fodder for conversations with other sports lovers--"Hey, I hear that the team is having a crappy year..." Pretty quick I'm having knowledgeable conversations about sports without having ever watched a game.

Same with the movies in theaters. I don't know what they are, so when the subject comes up I ask lots of questions: Who starred in it? What are the critics saying about it? Why is it striking a chord with everyone? Is it part of a larger film or culture trend? What about celebrity gossip on the stars--have the stars been in the news for other reasons? Again, these are subjects that come up frequently in social conversation, so I welcome the opportunity to get mentored on the quick-and-dirty and then re-use that same info in later conversations on the same subject.

As for people who talk about their families, I tend to get a little bored too--I don't have children either. But there are still tricks for getting involved. One fun trick is to try to predict the other person's emotions: "You must be so proud!" or "That must have been awful!" or "You must have been furious at him!" Half the time you're wrong, which often results in an interesting backstory as to why things didn't go as you would expect they should have. Another trick with family stories is to use them as bridges to discussions of social issues. Stories of kids in school can lead to discussions of the state of the local school system, and then to discussions about taxes being raised to pay for local government services. Stories of a kid majoring in some subject in college can lead to discussions of the job market or where the economy will be by the time the kid gets out of college. Stories about ferrying the kids to ballet and soccer lessons can lead to discussions of traffic jams and construction tie-ups and the overburdened road system.

Also, if you can retain a little info about someone's kids, it's a great way to curry favor with people--ask them how their kids are doing. Parents usually take pride in their kids, so it's a no-brainer for easy cultivation of feel-good ties with co-workers.

To sum up: By all means you should take 10 minutes or even 30 minutes to school yourself on subjects of general interest. You don't even have to watch the movie or sport yourself; just ask your friend to mentor you on the subject. After that, you have an easy point of common interest with that person. Presumably the subject was of some importance to them, which means that henceforth you have an easy way to connect with them on a subject that matters to them.

The key is to be comfortable admitting ignorance and asking lots of questions. Sometimes I even know a bit about a subject but feign ignorance anyway. People like to mentor, and I can use my hidden knowledge to steer the subject and/or ask insightful questions.

Again, this may not be a role that INTPs like to play in a conversation. But it's kind of how the rest of the world does these things. :shrug:
 

Moiety

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I just stop the conversation politely and say "you guys are boring me out of my own skull, I'm gonna smoke a cigarette" or something.
 

EcK

The Memes Justify the End
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I second that
There no point in hiding it, it's hypocritical.
Either you care enough about the person so that what she or he says is interesting, or you don't and you're just afraid of the consequences of not being the slave of everybody else's reality.

If i'm not interested I just don't talk. And I don't give a damn if people think i'm not sociable or something. That's their opinion, if i cared about it i'd probably be interested in talking to them in the first place.
Also, if i'm talking about something and the other party is just not interested, I think the least they could do is tell me so we don't waste both of our time.
 

Amethyst

¡MI TORTA!
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I can't hide my boredom. People know when I'm bored, either I'm trying to end the conversation as fast as possible, or I fell asleep or am doing something else and stopped listening to them.

I wish I was more subtle about it, but I surely am not.
 

Such Irony

Honor Thy Inferior
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I think that your problem is the bolded part. I've heard that sort of thing from INTPs before, and it always catches me by surprise: What's wrong with looking completely ignorant? After all, it's the truth. Besides, once you admit that you're completely ignorant, then you can ask lots of questions and steer the conversation in a variety of ways.



The key is to be comfortable admitting ignorance and asking lots of questions. Sometimes I even know a bit about a subject but feign ignorance anyway. People like to mentor, and I can use my hidden knowledge to steer the subject and/or ask insightful questions.

Thanks for your insight, especially the above part. I know I have some insecurities about wanting to appear knowledgeable on things. Goes with being an NT I guess. Knowledge is overrated sometimes.
 

upamountain

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Jul 17, 2010
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It's not that I get bored, I just have no idea what to say most of the time. I mean, why do people have to keep talking? What do they find to talk about?
Some useful hints in this thread, thanks, cos I think people think me very antisocial, detached and uncaring. I'm not but it's probably the impression I give until I know someone very well.
 
R

RDF

Guest
Thanks for your insight, especially the above part. I know I have some insecurities about wanting to appear knowledgeable on things. Goes with being an NT I guess. Knowledge is overrated sometimes.

Now you're talking. :yes: The quickest way to endear yourself to people is to admit common human failings. Be honest about your vulnerabilities, and people are going to be swooning all over you. An NT with a soft side... :wubbie:
 
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