I feel horrible for doing this. I’ve only been here a little while and all I’ve done is talk about myself. I don’t have a good enough understanding of these ideas/theories/concepts to feel qualified to offer up any opinions, but I’m too interested to entirely bow out altogether. That's beside the point.
This is going to sound extremely whiny, and much like a non-problem and I'll probably regret it later. Tune out here, if you will.
I’ve come to the realization that every significant problem in my life, I have unwittingly created for myself. The origins of which, reduce to my reluctance to fully accept the fact that I am a bit below average in most all respects (but mainly intellectually.) How egotistical, no? Why did I place so much importance on it in the first place and not even realize it? What’s the value in it at all if not put to use somehow, be it in a personally satisfying manner, or otherwise? I consciously recognize that there is nothing inherently “wrong” or “bad” about being average, or below average, and can attest to it being the most objectively apt definition of my “level.” I’ve never thought of myself as “intelligent,” nor really “un-intelligent.” It never really crossed my mind, tbh. But only in recognizing the themes of my problems, and consequently trying to fix them, have I come across this. I quite literally have absolutely no aptitude for anything. I was a mediocre student at best, and only in the latter school years, was it for lack of trying. “Everyone has a talent” is a comfortable sentiment and all, but I suspect untrue. If there’re billions of people in the world, surely there will be some who’re just plain shit at everything, no? Everything, from specific manifestations of disproportionate anxiety/panic, total self-isolation, to a pathological aversion to living my life or growing up in any real way—it can all be attributed, at least in essence, to the avoidance of having to put forth honest effort, and in turn, seeing the final products [and finally, me] for what they are—mediocre. I’m mediocre. It’s not unduly self-critical, or pessimistic, but reality. And one in which I’ve been avoiding with everything I have (or more appropriately—don’t have.) The fact that this is seemingly such a petty non-problem is also frustrating. If it’s a non-problem, why have I allowed it, consciously or not, the influence and effects of a real problem? I really hate myself for it. I know how this sounds,(cough:)and YES, I’m annoyed by me too maybe even more than you are, as I’m sure there’re starving, poverty-stricken people all over the world who’d be delighted to change “problems.”
Every moment since this realization, I’ve tried to simply say, “Who cares? So…you do the best with what you have like everyone else. You’re not smart, but so what? Grow up!” Admittedly, much more easily said than done. It takes perhaps hours to realize, but to disassemble years and years and years of behavioral patterns, thought habits, etc. to replace with more efficient and honest ones, seems a daunting task, indeed. And still, I’ve yet to be able to wholly assimilate this understanding in a workable way—that is, a way that will allow for the synchronization of thought/action—a reliable bridge of the gap between recognition<-->implementation/demonstration of said recognition. I’m stuck. Or, better, dumbst[r]uck.
Where do I go from here…? What do I do? I gather most of you are very intelligent, at least from what I’ve read of you, and so probably don’t have this “problem.” Maybe if you could use that to offer some “outside” advice, if you want, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.