Firstly, thank you all so much for responding. I really appreciate it. If the roles were reversed, I doubt I could’ve been so patient. It’s humbling and admirable.
Addressing the issue of my intelligence or unintelligence—
I assure you that I am not. I won’t get into every little reason for it, as I’ve already said way too much. In short--anyone can learn structure and delivery; I’m lacking where it matters—content (idea, originality, insight, complexity of thought etc.) Idea > Structure. All this proves is that I can make something stupid look better. That’s not a talent; it’s unnecessarily complicating to compensate for the fact that I’m not smart, and so, can’t understand or employ actual complexity. (as an example of what I stated before.) Admittedly, no, it wasn’t conscious, but it’s now easy to see how and why I picked up that habit, having found the right context to understand it in.
I understand why fear and insecurity are seemingly the real problem, and this, only a specific manifestation. I’ve thought a lot about this and concluded that it’s not. The issue is exactly as I’ve stated. Insecurity is a byproduct, not the root problem. I will agree that it need be addressed before I can attempt to uproot the core problem, but that’s only because of the geography of the issue and sub-issues, not because its disproportionate influence is an indication that it’s necessarily the only or “true” problem. Insecurity is simply placed between it (the core issue) and me. To be secure in myself is absolutely integral to cultivating the ability to fully accept harsher truths about myself, and from there, to assimilate it into a broader self-understanding that’s then worked FROM in external interactions with the world. But this isn’t an end unto itself—it’s just a small step in the right direction. Me --> insecurity --> acceptance of mediocrity (and other things) -->living life functionally with and in spite of this understanding. I don’t want to delude myself any further. I want to learn how to more graciously accept truth whilst still maintaining functionality. Weed out my own biases, prejudices, etc. as it were. The lens and the subject shouldn’t (and don’t) matter; only the truth. And how am I ever going to be able to look at something objectively enough to see the truth, if I’m so deluded in my sense of self? You can’t see something for what it is if you’re looking at it through a warped lens, especially when you’re not even aware the lens is warped. To be able to do this, I have to first make amends with my ego, and ultimately, my deficiencies, before I can go on to live life honestly, and thus, attempt to see truth anywhere or really learn anything at all.
Validation of what? I have more than enough validation for the fact that I am intellectually lacking. It isn’t really necessary to make anyone believe it (online or not) to be able to help with the actual issue, as anything can be substituted for “intelligence” depending on who is asking. We all have problems, yes. Mine, having to do with a lack of intelligence, is frustrating, because intelligence is seemingly necessary in order to successfully work through the problem at all! This is primarily the reason I’ve not sought professional help. In doing so, I’d implicitly be validating, or seeking validation, of this “problem” by having sought help with it at all. Given the status of it as a non-problem, it would only serve to hurt me in the long run. I need to stop doing that and learn how to do it myself if I’m ever going to be able to learn how to function despite my deficiencies. The world does not cater to Tabula. The world doesn’t give a shit about Tabula. Tabula is the only person who can make an ACTUAL change in Tabula’s life. As of right now, she's all talk and no action.
I am the first of four children. I grew up in a cookie-cutter suburban environment complete with married parents, a minivan, white picket fence and a dog. I have absolutely nothing to complain about and don’t want even to entertain the thought that anyone but myself could be even partly to blame for my problems. This is ENTIRELY MY OWN DOING. No, they weren’t gifted, nor really successful (by their definition and mine.) Yes, they were supportive. Perhaps even too much if that’s possible. My mother thought I was practically a genius. My father, bless him, was my humbling voice of reason. If not for him, this would be 1000x worse than it is. I may never have figured out I’m not smart, and therefore, would never have been able to identify and fix the problem when it inevitably presented itself in some form. Loving? Ehm. I guess so. My mom is a manipulative emotional vampire (we’re now estranged) and my dad, though an ISTJ, much the more affectionate/affirming/loving. I grew up totally believing that I could do and be absolutely anything I wanted. Brain surgeon? Sure! Rocket scientist? No problem! Me? I wanted to cure fucking cancer, be a composer, novelist, philosopher, and on and on and on… and TOTALLY BELIEVED I COULD! No, this wasn’t cute kindergarten optimism. I carried this with me all the way to HIGH SCHOOL! That is, until I discovered that I can’t do absolutely everything. That actually, I can barely understand and perform simple arithmetic. That’s when I gave up. I’ve never really tried to do anything, so where the hell did I get off thinking I could BE anything?! I feel quite like a fraud in many ways. A deluded, whining, self-important fraud. I’ve never accomplished or done anything to indicate that I’m anything but mediocre, but still for whatever reason thought I could cure cancer. And now, in trying to figure out what exactly it is that I am indeed capable of, it seems that anything will pale in comparison to that prior “understanding.” Everything is going to feel like failure before even starting or trying. THAT is what I need to get rid of. That is what I meant in posting all of this. I know I’m not smart, I know that I can’t cure cancer…so why can’t I just accept it and live accordingly with my real ability? (re: recognition<-->demonstration disconnect I mentioned before.) My goal in life? To be of use. To do something useful. I’m no more important than the next person. My personal happiness shouldn’t be a consideration. I don’t even recognize happiness as a worthy life-goal for myself. It doesn’t make sense and smells like delusion again. I have to reconcile the fact that I’m not a genius and so won’t cure cancer etc. with the reality that I’m not capable of even understanding simple things. Happiness is and should be a temporary cyclical thing—not the ultimate state of being/living [to me.] If I’m content, where then would the motivation to do MORE come from, especially now with the knowledge that I’m below the level I want to be, and so it will be more difficult to do/understand simpler things? I don’t want contentedness. I don’t want to settle. I’ve already slept through most of my life; I’m done with comfort now.
Eh, FWIW, I’m either 9w1 or 5w4. Probably the former, but I don’t know. It’s still hard to separate truth from desire right now. I will be looking into this more, as suggested, however.
It’s obvious that I could go on whining indefinitely, but I will spare you all here at this time. Thank you again for listening to this drivel and humbly offering your own experiences and advice. I greatly appreciate it and will spend much more time thinking about your responses. Thank you.