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  1. #31
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Intricate Mystic View Post
    I can do better than a real-life example- I'll give you the real-life example: My IxTP husband is in love with a woman he met at work
    He's not in a Ti-loop. He's in a douche-loop.

    You say you've filed for divorce - does that mean the decision has been made? You definitely need to take the reigns here since he's behaving like an incompetent child. If you're still living together a trial separation might be a good thing for you both. It might make him realize what he's giving up (it really can be difficult for us to imagine how much a loss will hurt unless we experience it). You are being waaay too supportive and understanding right now. That's ultimately going to lead to bitterness and pain - you need to start thinking less about him and more about yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  2. #32
    ✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿ digesthisickness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Intricate Mystic View Post
    I can do better than a real-life example- I'll give you the real-life example: My IxTP husband is in love with a woman he met at work who got fired and now lives in another state. He was so besotted with her that pretty soon after she got fired, he started plotting with her to create a job for himself where she now works. He was successful in this, got a job offer from her employer recently, and has been debating whether to take that job that's less secure, pays less, and would involve leaving his wife of 25 years (me) and our 2 mostly grown children to be with this woman. (Oh, and she has a HUSBAND by the way). He has been driving me nuts with his inability to make a decision of whether or not to leave the great job he has now (which he now hates because the woman isn't there anymore) to be with her. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, and every time I get upset and cry at the prospect of my husband of 25 years no longer living with me he gets extremely depressed (borderline suicidal) and stops packing his stuff. Then, he texts her/talks to her and gets in a more cheerful frame of mind (because she's trying to get him to take the job at her workplace) and he gets a little motivated to box up more of his stuff for a possible move. It's been back and forth like this for months, ever since it started looking like he was going to get the job offer. He has literally been stuck weighing the pros and cons of keeping his current job (which he has been successful in) and staying with me and being with our children vs. venturing into the scary but exciting unknown of accepting a new job that he may or may not be successful in to be with his married "soulmate". He is crazy, but being the nice person that I am I'm trying to help him make a decision. I'm tired of telling him it's a bad career move, he's destroying our family, that going after a woman who is cheating on her 2nd husband is not a recipe for long-term happiness, etc. etc., so I asked the Ti loop question to try to help him just make a damn decision so I can get on with life and divorce him/go to marriage counseling/whatever.

    Edit: Sorry if that was a bit of rant.
    i think the healthiest thing for you to do right now is to get out of your own obsessive loop. don't wait for him to make a decision; make your own.

    think of what would/could happen if he did either thing. for instance, if he left to be with her, let's face it, he'll regret it. in the interim, however, you'll be moving on with healing and before you know it, you won't care if he regrets it or not. the other scenario, he stays. he stays and you are faced with living with a man that you know would rather be with someone else and would eventually resent you.

    sounds to me like he's trying to get you to make the 'official' decision so that he can go without feeling guilty. well, either make it for him, OR do and PRETEND not to and let him continue with his "unhappy floundering", make him work to be let off the hook, until he eventually does what he's secretly already decided to do; leave. in the meantime, while you watch him suffer with his continued act, secretly be getting over him as best you can. so when he does go, you'll be better prepared.

    you are just as human as he is and deserve no less decent consideration and happiness than he does.
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  3. #33
    ..... Intricate Mystic's Avatar
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    I appreciate all of the helpful comments that have been made here. However, the situation has it's nuances. My husband decided to turn down the job in another state that would allow him to be with that woman. The idea of leaving me, quitting his current job and starting a new job plus the unknowns of how a relationship with that woman would work out gave him severe anxiety attacks. I almost had to take him to the ER last night for a psychiatric evaluation because he was having muscle twitches from the surges of adrenaline that severe anxiety can cause. He wants to stay married to me and feels that the other relationship is waning. I'm going to see how things go for awhile, though, before I halt divorce proceedings. If he will see a psychiatrist next week, as he promised, that will be a step in the right direction. He has had mental health issues through the years that I had to deal with because he wouldn't seek help.

    Quote Originally Posted by digesthisickness View Post
    i think the healthiest thing for you to do right now is to get out of your own obsessive loop. don't wait for him to make a decision; make your own.

    think of what would/could happen if he did either thing. for instance, if he left to be with her, let's face it, he'll regret it. in the interim, however, you'll be moving on with healing and before you know it, you won't care if he regrets it or not. the other scenario, he stays. he stays and you are faced with living with a man that you know would rather be with someone else and would eventually resent you.

    sounds to me like he's trying to get you to make the 'official' decision so that he can go without feeling guilty. well, either make it for him, OR do and PRETEND not to and let him continue with his "unhappy floundering", make him work to be let off the hook, until he eventually does what he's secretly already decided to do; leave. in the meantime, while you watch him suffer with his continued act, secretly be getting over him as best you can. so when he does go, you'll be better prepared.

    you are just as human as he is and deserve no less decent consideration and happiness than he does.
    This is what I need to work on. Somewhere along the way I put everyone else's needs so much ahead of my own that I forgot to work on what makes me happy.

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