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  1. #21
    Senior Member bcubchgo's Avatar
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    This term bugs me. Because most of the time it gets used by people to describe someone who is actually "aggressive" and not passively aggressive.
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  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    People who have internalized a self-concept of being peaceful and kind, or even logical and rational, can't always admit to themselves when they are acting in a passive-aggressive manner. They can't see it and they have plausible deniability, so it most often creates a grey area where no one is completely certain what is going on.
    Wow. Thanks for that post. Beautiful. This is how I see it exactly. I think if you self-identify with "nice" and haven't made yourself consciously aware of the fact that sometimes you need to worry less about being nice than resolving a heated argument properly, then you are bound to become passive-aggressive. I am an INFP and made a full realization that I am passive aggressive only yesterday and I am in my thirties. My version of it is to be sulky until I snap out of my mood. Then when the next conversation comes up related to the point that I never resolved internally or externally, I might poke the person a little by dissing the opinion they have about that point. Horrible I know. In my family, I also suspect my sis-in-law and mum-in-law to do this to me all the time. In fact, they both claim to not hold negative feelings and strongly identify with "nice" themselves. We have had interactions that seriously felt off to me and now I think I was the recipient of passive-aggressiveness. I think I will forgive it though. I think they were being very similar to me, not fully conscious. Time for all of us to change that.

    What would be the trick when the recipient of passive-aggressiveness?

  3. #23
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ithurt View Post
    Wow. Thanks for that post. Beautiful. This is how I see it exactly. I think if you self-identify with "nice" and haven't made yourself consciously aware of the fact that sometimes you need to worry less about being nice than resolving a heated argument properly, then you are bound to become passive-aggressive. I am an INFP and made a full realization that I am passive aggressive only yesterday and I am in my thirties. My version of it is to be sulky until I snap out of my mood. Then when the next conversation comes up related to the point that I never resolved internally or externally, I might poke the person a little by dissing the opinion they have about that point. Horrible I know. In my family, I also suspect my sis-in-law and mum-in-law to do this to me all the time. In fact, they both claim to not hold negative feelings and strongly identify with "nice" themselves. We have had interactions that seriously felt off to me and now I think I was the recipient of passive-aggressiveness. I think I will forgive it though. I think they were being very similar to me, not fully conscious. Time for all of us to change that.

    What would be the trick when the recipient of passive-aggressiveness?
    for me what helped was being guilt tripped beyond any hope of feeling "nice" again.

    Passive aggression is not one thing or one level if behavior either. Some if it is normal and not so horrific. Other types basically fund the mental health industry.

    From an idealistic perspective I guess making a person feel safe to present conflict without being thought badly if can help the normal types of passive aggression. The severe types can be occasionally thwarted by mirroring it back.

    Funny anecdote: looking back I think my first husband and I were a little passive aggressive towards each other, but neither was conscious of sending or receiving it so it might not count. Ha
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  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by bcubchgo View Post
    This term bugs me. Because most of the time it gets used by people to describe someone who is actually "aggressive" and not passively aggressive.
    Aggressives impose themselves physically, whereas passive-aggressives use emotional manipulation to achieve the same ends. It is all about control.

    Aggressive behaviour is seen as more damaging, and may well be directly, but don't underestimate the amount of psychological damage a passive-aggressive can cause, especially if its a woman manipulating her boyfriend/husband.

  5. #25
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    I generally default to being passive-aggressive if I'm angered.

    I think in the gay world, it's called "Shade." "Shade" seems more like passive agression more than the definition found in some places.

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