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  1. #11

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    That list scares me because I do some of that ... but when, for example, I forget, I really DO forget, and I feel horrible about it, and I do something to make up for it ... is that passive-aggressive or is that early Alzheimer's, I wonder.
    No, I dont think that's it, for instance the bit about being afraid of being dependent isnt about either having an independent streak or even being cynical about others or misanthropic, its about seeking to enter into false relationships with others, charactered by phony bonds, manipulation etc. in order to avoid the interdependence or dependency of genuine relationships.

    That's just one example, its kind of hard to make abstract statements about the difference between normal, even exaggerated, behaviour or thinking and the truly pathological and make them believeable. The distinction is real enough and I'm pretty sure even the least qualified can tell the difference when they meet with it in person, perhaps not right away, unfortunately, but eventually they will.

  2. #12
    Post Human Post Qlip's Avatar
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    I guess I had never considered 'passive agressive' as elitist pseudo psychological term. It's just a useful way for me to describe the behaviours they were meant to describe, which also happen to be behaviours that are a pet peeve of mine.

    I believe the p/a person relies on people's unwillingness to look like they are overeacting by disguising their acts of malice as accidental or incidental. I don't care if I look insane, I call them out and they always back down.

  3. #13
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    That list scares me because I do some of that ... but when, for example, I forget, I really DO forget, and I feel horrible about it, and I do something to make up for it ... is that passive-aggressive or is that early Alzheimer's, I wonder.
    Probably almost everyone has exhibited some form of passive-aggressive behaviour at some point. The fact is that overt aggression is frowned upon by most societies but people still get angry and frustrated and need to express that in some way. Fear of alienating the community means they more often than not do so covertly. In its pathological form, it's deeply self-deceiving - the true PA is unlikely to recognise it in themselves. When they forget, they really do forget.

    The idea that it is covert abuse is interesting to me.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  4. #14

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    Quote Originally Posted by Qlippoth View Post
    I believe the p/a person relies on people's unwillingness to look like they are overeacting by disguising their acts of malice as accidental or incidental. I don't care if I look insane, I call them out and they always back down.
    I think that's classic behaviour for an internet Troll, disguising acts of malice, relying on unwillingness to look like you are overeacting. Although I've also known them to depend on being able to accuse people of over reacting when they do speak out against them and have others think likewise.

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    Post Human Post Qlip's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lark View Post
    I think that's classic behaviour for an internet Troll, disguising acts of malice, relying on unwillingness to look like you are overeacting. Although I've also known them to depend on being able to accuse people of over reacting when they do speak out against them and have others think likewise.
    I have the pleasure to know an internet troll irl. I finally got him to admit to trolling, when he was complaining on how badly all the 'liberals' reacted to his honest posts on some sort of Democrat based web board. Strangely enough, he's not what I'd call passive aggressive, though probably only a nuance away from it. He spends most of his time spouting contrary opinions trying to get a rise out of people, skulking when he doesn't get his way, and engineering conflicts. So I guess that makes him a rl troll.

  6. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by Qlippoth View Post
    I have the pleasure to know an internet troll irl. Strangely enough, he's not what I'd call passive aggressive, though probably only a nuance away from it. He spends most of his time spouting contrary opinions trying to get a rise out of people, skulking when he doesn't get his way, and engineering conflicts. So I guess that makes him a rl troll.
    Yeah, I know plenty of people who are like that, one guy I'm more or less convinced exhibits it to such an extent that I think he's either narcissistic or sociopathic, guy's a real phony and conforms to a lot of is described as toxic by the guy who wrote the emotional and social intelligence books.

  7. #17
    Intriguing.... Quinlan's Avatar
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    This sounds quite vague to me, how do you tell between genuine forgetfulness and aggressive forgetfulness?
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  8. #18

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    Quote Originally Posted by Quinlan View Post
    This sounds quite vague to me, how do you tell between genuine forgetfulness and aggressive forgetfulness?
    Is the forgetful person in fact a forgetful bastard? If they are a forgetful bastard and, in fact, a bastard generally, they are probably being aggressively forgetful.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lark View Post
    the guy who wrote the emotional and social intelligence books.
    Oh yeah....that guy

    Quote Originally Posted by Quinlan View Post
    This sounds quite vague to me, how do you tell between genuine forgetfulness and aggressive forgetfulness?
    You can't just take one symptom in isolation. That's the point I was trying to make before.
    You also look at consistency. Like for example, a friend of mine who always "forgets" when she owes me money, but not the other way around.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
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  10. #20
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Quinlan View Post
    This sounds quite vague to me, how do you tell between genuine forgetfulness and aggressive forgetfulness?
    I think it has to do with looking at the larger patterns and the consequences of the actions. There is also some degree of the golden rule here. Is the forgetfulness specifically hurtful in a way that would be hurtful to the person forgetting? Forgetting someone else's birthday takes on different meanings if the forgetful person gets offended when others forget the same thing. That's one way to know if the person interprets a particular behavior as hurtful.

    In the same way that most people have had feelings of overt anger, I think it is normal for a lot of people to use more passive means to express anger, but it's a matter of frequency and extent. I think it is good to be aware of it in oneself and others, but that the benefit of the doubt can also be helpful in some circumstances. Seeing passive aggression everywhere can leave a person rather paranoid. I don't think a person can always tell with certainty if it's passive aggression or not.
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