I don't really relate to the other stuff in the post (especially the attention seeking part - ick, no), but this rings a bell. I definitely see losing vs being abandoned having different effects also, as one is usually more of a choice on the part of the parent.
While I was not technically abandoned, my dad left the family unit when I was 2 and I did not see him a lot growing up. My mother said after he left I expressed a lot of fear that she would leave me also. I have a tendency to withdraw from people and avoid serious relationships to avoid rejection. I know "fear of rejection" is sort of cliche, but it has definitely been a negative force in my mind. I tend to have some feelings of shame regarding what I see as my true self (and so it's kept extremely guarded), not being good enough, and needing to assert a unique identity which is associated with 4s and which I can connect to my dad's departure.
I can relate to this, though my beginning's a bit different from yours, OA. My father left me & my mom before I was born. He panicked after my mother told him she was pregnant, figured she was trying to "trap" him into a long-term relationship (she wasn't), and took off, with a very yellow belly indeed. No surprise that the guy's never paid child support (and also hasn't gone to big boy jail for
not paying), has taken no kind of responsibility for me, has never gotten in contact with me or my mother to try and rectify his mistake, and has ultimately wormed his way out of every obligation (legal, financial, emotional, etc.) he owed me. I should be pissed! I should be angry, and upset, and
very loud about how disgusted I am to know I've come from the kind of weak and spineless person who doesn't have the decency to care about anyone else but himself, but I'm not. I just don't have the energy to expend on someone whose never cared enough to expend any on me, just don't.
Luckily, throughout my life, I've had a number of positive "father figures": uncles, family friends, older male cousins, my grandfather, etc; and, though they've all been very solid examples of how to be good people/parents/fathers/men, that first and initial rejection for me still stings. As you've said, OA, it sounds cliche, but I really am terrified of rejection! And whatever form of rejection I receive now just confirms whatever inadequate feelings I've already been harboring towards myself, no matter how much I've tried suppressing them. In the past I've been very guarded in relationships and friendships and whenever I feel someone getting too close I withdraw. The irony, though, is I have to risk vulnerability and the prospect of revealing parts of myself with people before I can even begin to get what I want most (understanding). Even today, any situation that involves being open and having to come out of my comfort zone is very difficult for me to cope with, and if the situation happens to peak my anxiety level and overwhelm me past a certain point it can actually reduce me to tears. I think those are the most pronounced ways being rejected and abandoned by my father has affected me.
This really isn't something I like talking about and am very reluctant to even lay it out here, but I thought since this forum's helped me a lot towards much of my own self-discovery that I'd share a rather personal part of myself to aid in whatever... case study this turns out to be. I hope it helped some.
From your blog, OA, what resonated most with me was how type 4s feel devalued & unworthy as a result of a parent, or both, being absent very early in their lives (or, in my case, completely abandoning them & doing everything possible to be relieved of their parental rights to them)
as well as how type 5s feel smothered emotionally by one parent (here, the mother) and learn to take refuge inside the safety of their own minds.
Loved your explanation.
An interesting part of the book is how it discusses the emotional reasons behind a type developing the way it does. My understanding of how this works for a 4 is that a person becomes a 4 as a result of feeling rejected/abandoned by a parent, or both parents. The rejection/abandonment may be literal or simply one which is felt because a parent is distant, high/drunk, or unloving to the child. Basically, the child feels devalued.
The child deals with this wounding by striving to create a unique identity to explains the events: "my parent did not reject me because I am bad, but rather, my parent could not understand me because I am so unique". This unique identity that 4s strive for is a coping mechanism and a defense. When their unique identity is threatened, they may feel worthless, because if they are not unique, then they are simply flawed and that is why they were rejected. They need to feel "special" to have the value the parent took away. Of course, this is no conscious conclusion, but a deep, raw feeling that arises and motivates.
The 5 becomes a 5 often because a parent "smothered" the child, usually the mother. The child felt the parent intruded on their privacy, personal space, and tries to inhibit the child from becoming a separate individual from the parent. Or, the parent's emotions may have overwhelmed the child, also having a smothering effect. The child then retreats into his head, as a way to find escape from the parent, and develops a haven that the parent cannot intrude into.
The 5 develops an identity of being a total individual, detached from others and the external world, and wary of the burdens emotions can bring. Hence, the type 5 becoming a cerebral person, more interested in analyzing information than connecting to people, detaching from emotions which threaten his calm mental state, and striving to maintain independence at the cost of relationships. When the 5 is threatened with passionate feeling or a damper on his independence, then he begins to feel powerless, at the mercy of the frustrated feelings his parent's wounding inspired.
