I won't mind if this thread doesn't get many responses, just curious if anyone else here has dealt with someone who has these disorders.
I have a friend that I've known since I was thirteen, really she is the oldest friend I have. Thing is, more and more I just don't consider her a real friend and more and more I'm wanting to pull away and cut ties. It hurts me to think about it, there is a long history there, but her behavior has become intolerable for me.
This has been a progressive fracture, happening slowly over many years. She moved away when we were both about eighteen years old. When I look back, she showed signs of Bi-Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder from the time we first met, but it just wasn't yet as pronounced as it became later. She always 'changed' into whomever she hung out with. When she was with me, she dressed like me, acted like me, etc. When she was with her other friends, she dressed and acted like them. This was literally like someone changing costumes for a different role, something I've come to understand is common to BPD sufferers.
I've tried very hard to understand her and leave room for her disorders, knowing a lot of the nasty, hurtful things she does are beyond her control in so many ways. I've tried to be supportive and sympathetic but it is truly a one sided relationship. If she does anything 'for' me, it's not done in some selfless way as much as she seems to think of it like this 'insurance' system that I am obligated to. She keeps lists in her head of everything she's ever done for me and yanks these things out if ever I say that I'm hurt by something she did. She also uses it like a bargaining chip to say "You have to stay with me because I did these things".
Recently, she has pretty much Facebook stalked me. I think she thinks whenever I post something on there, it means I am doing so from home. Once I posted from my boyfriend's place, then came home later that night to find a message on my answering machine "Funny you're not picking up since I just saw you posted on Facebook". She also seems to take me posting replies to any other friend besides her like it is a personal affront to her (since, in her words, "You've known me the longest").
In the past, I have gone no contact with her after she started calling all the time saying she was going to commit suicide. After a particularly horrible one of these, I was no contact with her for about two years, then she called out of the blue asking what happened to me. I was telling her it wasn't a good idea to get back into a relationship but over the course of five phone calls she apologized, owned that she was in 'a bad place', and agreed to respect the boundaries I laid down. Now? She has gone back to pushing them, disrespecting them, ignoring them, and being manipulative.
My mother is also making this harder. I live with her at the moment and she considers this girl to be a member of our extended family. My mother herself is a narcissist and the two of them sort of 'feed' each other, if that makes sense. My friend calls her on her phone talking all about how she's got all these ailments (a new one every week that requires 'emergency' phone calls) and my mother gets to talk all about how she herself is so put upon. My Mom hasn't said as much directly, but whenever I bring up my thoughts of cutting ties with this girl again, my mother pretty much reacts like I am a traitor and a selfish person.
And then I get to wondering if I am. The most toxic thing about them is they both have a knack for 'reeling' people in by temporarily showing all this concern and attention until they've 'caught' that person again, then they go back to ignoring them, devaluing them, and using them. I have to deal with my mother because I live with her and that's an issue unto itself. This friend (I keep using that term loosely in my head) is a different story though.
I guess I'm wussing out cutting off because I know this girl's parents are going to probably message me with name calling (they've done it before) and my own mother will probably continue to take her calls. My boyfriend keeps telling me I have nothing to apologize for, and logically I know this. Emotionally though, I am so used to being the 'guilty party' it is hard to think of telling this girl "No more". Especially since I know she will turn the guilt screws on me about how she was 'there' for me back in the day.
She really was too, she was the only friend I had who fought for me and kicked ass to help me defend myself from bullies and the like. That was such a long time ago but it still stands out to me. It makes it really hard to think of cutting her off for good but this relationship doesn't even feel like a relationship anymore. I feel very cold toward her and very unfeeling, which is not pleasant but I've found there is no other way to be with someone who behaves the way she does. Everything is an emergency to her and she constantly demands drama and pity, constantly demands emotional attention that she can never get enough of. She gets really nasty and uses anything personal I share with her if she doesn't.
I feel awful because I don't think she is a bad person at heart. I know she is a very hurt person who wants assurance of being loved without knowing how to get there. I understand she wishes she had a solid identity but cannot get there either. It hurts me to see how much she truly does suffer. It's just not enough for a relationship though, I wish it was but it's not.
I went on really long here, obviously it's one of those things I have very few people to vent to about with the exception of my boyfriend. I just wondered if any of you have done the cutting off and relate to how hard it is. Wondered if anyone is in the same position or has been in the past?