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  1. #1
    The Duchess of Oddity Queen Kat's Avatar
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    Default I'm not in love with myself anymore

    A few weeks ago I posted another stupid thread about me and my issues. I got all kinds of problems with myself after graduating. Now things got worse. Let's be clear about it: high school was an awful time. I was permanently bored, alone and pretending I was someone completely different so things wouldn't get worse and there was no one I liked. But I was always kind of narcissistic. I had a huge ego, amazing self-esteem and I was totally in love with myself. Now I'm going to college, I have a job, I have amazing colleagues who are always nice and I'm taking driving lessons, but now I don't love myself anymore. I don't see myself as the super awesome, stunning weirdo anymore, I've become focussed on all of my bad traits. Now that everyone is nice to me and I'm becoming more normal, I lost all of my self worth. If I were my friend, I'd stop talking to me. If I were my lover, I'd dump me and throw me of a cliff. I'm still having nightmares and I usually fight people in these dreams and kill them.

    Is this because my life is changing, because I'm growing up or something else? Will this eventually go away all by itself, do I have to work on it or do I have to live with this forever?
    I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower. The TV was obviously on. I used to fly myself and I said, "There's one terrible pilot."
    - George W. Bush -


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  2. #2
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    I'm not sure I 100% understand self-esteem. I think a portion of it comes from what we do with our lives, proving to ourselves that we can do the things that we want to do. Being able to point to specific accomplishments or circumstances which can give us a sense of identity. But I think another portion (or maybe it's another facet) comes from another source, one that's much harder to pin down, and one that is cognitively simple, but somehow elusive to some people, including me at different points. I guess you could call it a sense of worth, just being able to accept that you are inherently valuable, as a human being, as yourself, exactly as you are, regardless of what's working or not working in your life.
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Chloe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saint Kat View Post
    A few weeks ago I posted another stupid thread about me and my issues. I got all kinds of problems with myself after graduating. Now things got worse. Let's be clear about it: high school was an awful time. I was permanently bored, alone and pretending I was someone completely different so things wouldn't get worse and there was no one I liked. But I was always kind of narcissistic. I had a huge ego, amazing self-esteem and I was totally in love with myself. Now I'm going to college, I have a job, I have amazing colleagues who are always nice and I'm taking driving lessons, but now I don't love myself anymore. I don't see myself as the super awesome, stunning weirdo anymore, I've become focussed on all of my bad traits. Now that everyone is nice to me and I'm becoming more normal, I lost all of my self worth. If I were my friend, I'd stop talking to me. If I were my lover, I'd dump me and throw me of a cliff. I'm still having nightmares and I usually fight people in these dreams and kill them.

    Is this because my life is changing, because I'm growing up or something else? Will this eventually go away all by itself, do I have to work on it or do I have to live with this forever?

    maybe you faced "the real world". It's easy to think you're better than everybody else if your circle is small, but when you get where there are enough brilliant, beautiful people, your ego, if it was built on belief that you're better than everybody, gets reality check and starts colapsing.

    It can be good for you if you survive it. I am sure you will. So, yeah, I think that's growth.

  4. #4
    The Duchess of Oddity Queen Kat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post


    I'm not sure I 100% understand self-esteem. I think a portion of it comes from what we do with our lives, proving to ourselves that we can do the things that we want to do. Being able to point to specific accomplishments or circumstances which can give us a sense of identity. But I think another portion (or maybe it's another facet) comes from another source, one that's much harder to pin down, and one that is cognitively simple, but somehow elusive to some people, including me at different points. I guess you could call it a sense of worth, just being able to accept that you are inherently valuable, as a human being, as yourself, exactly as you are, regardless of what's working or not working in your life.
    Well, then it must be the first point. I'm doing quite the opposite with my life than I'd like to do. I always had self esteem, but now I'm turning into a grumpy old spinster.
    I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower. The TV was obviously on. I used to fly myself and I said, "There's one terrible pilot."
    - George W. Bush -


    SCUAI - 7w8 sx/sp - Chaotic Evil - Fucking Cute - ALIVE

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  5. #5
    The Duchess of Oddity Queen Kat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chloé View Post
    maybe you faced "the real world". It's easy to think you're better than everybody else if your circle is small, but when you get where there are enough brilliant, beautiful people, your ego, if it was built on belief that you're better than everybody, gets reality check and starts colapsing.

    It can be good for you if you survive it. I am sure you will. So, yeah, I think that's growth.
    I doubt if it has anything to do with these people. These people were exactly the kind of people I saw myself all these years, unintellectual, friendly, non-elitist. They're only uneducated and have bad and boring jobs and a lousy salary. I think they're great. I finally have people to talk to, who I can understand and relate to. And when I tell them something, they understand it completely and I've never had that before. But I had this feeling before I realized that these people were amazing, the feeling just starts growing now that the moment that I'm done here is coming closer (this is my last week at the factory).
    I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower. The TV was obviously on. I used to fly myself and I said, "There's one terrible pilot."
    - George W. Bush -


    SCUAI - 7w8 sx/sp - Chaotic Evil - Fucking Cute - ALIVE

    Blog. Read it, bitches.
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    If you don't agree about my MBTI type, you can complain about it here. I've had plenty of people telling me I'm something else, in my reputation box. That's annoying.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Chloe's Avatar
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    I meant, you maybe didnt have a "real" self esteem, and now your narcissistic defenses are not working any more. It doesnt have to be any particular event that caused that, but changes definately will induce it. It just means you have to start loving yourself for the real you.

  7. #7
    The Duchess of Oddity Queen Kat's Avatar
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    Well, I see the things that I loved myself for are slowly disappearing. I'm turning normal, that causes stress that makes me gain weigth so I'm also getting less handsome. The things that I hated about myself, but that I've learned to accept, are still there, but with the good traits disappearing and other bad traits taking their place, accepting them any longer gets pretty hard and that also causes me getting more and more new bad traits because of the stress being something I hate brings. The self esteem wasn't fake, it's just that the good me is melting away.

    Maybe I'll have to like myself for the things other people seem to like about me. Too bad that I'm personally not that fond of those things.
    I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower. The TV was obviously on. I used to fly myself and I said, "There's one terrible pilot."
    - George W. Bush -


    SCUAI - 7w8 sx/sp - Chaotic Evil - Fucking Cute - ALIVE

    Blog. Read it, bitches.
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    If you don't agree about my MBTI type, you can complain about it here. I've had plenty of people telling me I'm something else, in my reputation box. That's annoying.

  8. #8
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    You might be having an existential crisis, but I'd make sure you aren't suffering from depression first.

  9. #9
    The Duchess of Oddity Queen Kat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    You might be having an existential crisis, but I'd make sure you aren't suffering from depression first.
    I've had a depression before, this isn't exactly like that. I'm not thinking about killing myself all the time. I'm not quite sure, am I deep enough for existential crisisses? I thought that was for intellectual people?
    I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower. The TV was obviously on. I used to fly myself and I said, "There's one terrible pilot."
    - George W. Bush -


    SCUAI - 7w8 sx/sp - Chaotic Evil - Fucking Cute - ALIVE

    Blog. Read it, bitches.
    Questions? Click here
    If you don't agree about my MBTI type, you can complain about it here. I've had plenty of people telling me I'm something else, in my reputation box. That's annoying.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saint Kat View Post
    I've had a depression before, this isn't exactly like that. I'm not thinking about killing myself all the time. I'm not quite sure, am I deep enough for existential crisisses? I thought that was for smart people?
    You don't need to be suicidal, you can just feel less alive and more self-critical.

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