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  1. #21
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    One of the main problems my husband(ISTJ) and I have had is due to our differences in conflict resolution, or how we behave after we've hurt each other. His tendency is to stonewall, disappear, and nurse himself back to health. The most typical solution to his hurt is distraction from the problem. There's no need for him to talk things out, discuss feelings, or even openly make amends. After he's had time to cool off(usually takes some hours of playing a sport), he reappears; just like that, all is well for him.

    On the other hand, I realize a need to talk and feel compelled towards making active repairs to the damage between us; damage that may take him months or years to acknowledge. He inadvertently keeps the appearance of peace between us and delays any further pain by withdrawing, but the circumstance that caused us pain will eventually re-emerge, assuming it goes away in the first place. Withdrawing as a solution strategy simply delays the inevitable in a relationship. I attempt to prevent the problem or solve it through communication of our feelings and reconnection, but I've more than occasionally exacerbated the original disconnect by seeking closure and resolution too soon. At our worst, Fe and Fi is the difference between pursuer and distancer. His feelings are much more independent of me than mine are of him. As a result, he can fully resolve them without any of my input at all.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  2. #22
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    Key here is that Fi uses empathy and Fe uses sympathy.

    Fi being emphatic means that if he can understand why someone hurt his Fi, he will retreat and blame himself for what ever happened. But when he cant understand, he will attack using Te(looking failure in logic from external world), and he will most likely find a failure(or something that will support his point of view) from it and attack using logic(logic in this case doesent have to be logical, but the thinking process works with logic, even tho the logic might suck in it) and act cold. Dom Fi can empathize better causing him to retreat(and take blame) easier and since Fi dom has lower Te, he wont attack back so easily, than EXFP would. XXTJ would be pretty bad at using empathy and would attack using Te more readily

    When someone hurts you, you will lose your sympathy easier than empathy, this is why Fe user would rage at you easier than Fi user.


    so i primarily use Ne and Fi...

    generally i only express actual anger with people who are close, and if the issue is one that i feel has arisen often - otherwise, i'll typically try to address the issue in an empathetic but assertive way. if i don't feel like it's worth it, i'll just think they're annoying, internalize my anger, and leave. and then vent my anger to someone else (which is the difference between introverts with Fi and extraverts with Fi, i suspect)

    but in close relationships, the problem for me in the past has been that i don't really think about the relationship first because i assume that we are still close regardless of this conflict. but i've found that sometimes i assume this and those with Fe do not. and i'll say things in argument that can hurt F, but they're always for the sake of argument... i don't really carry what's said in argument with me. i assume it's part of the emotional outburst. but the people i know with Fe do not assume this at all.

    and yeah, if there's a serious reason why someone hurt me, then i'll blame myself for not understanding, and try to empathize with them. generally i'm the first to attack and the first to apologize. sometimes i'll still feel like they're still in the wrong, but in the end i care more about the relationship than being right, and i have to prove to the Fe user that they mean a lot to me regardless of the angry things i said :blushing:

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charmed Justice View Post
    One of the main problems my husband(ISTJ) and I have had is due to our differences in conflict resolution, or how we behave after we've hurt each other. His tendency is to stonewall, disappear, and nurse himself back to health. The most typical solution to his hurt is distraction from the problem. There's no need for him to talk things out, discuss feelings, or even openly make amends. After he's had time to cool off(usually takes some hours of playing a sport), he reappears; just like that, all is well for him.

    On the other hand, I realize a need to talk and feel compelled towards making active repairs to the damage between us; damage that may take him months or years to acknowledge. He inadvertently keeps the appearance of peace between us and delays any further pain by withdrawing, but the circumstance that caused us pain will eventually re-emerge, assuming it goes away in the first place. Withdrawing as a solution strategy simply delays the inevitable in a relationship. I attempt to prevent the problem or solve it through communication of our feelings and reconnection, but I've more than occasionally exacerbated the original disconnect by seeking closure and resolution too soon. At our worst, Fe and Fi is the difference between pursuer and distancer. His feelings are much more independent of me than mine are of him. As a result, he can fully resolve them without any of my input at all.
    So you're saying pursuing someone for conflict resolution when upset is Fe? Because when I'm upset (unless I just totally hate that person and never want to see them again) I seek to talk to that person and I'd even rather argue than avoid the subject. Is that Fe? I have a hard time resolving my own feelings without the other person discussing it with me, etc.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post


    i don't really think about the relationship first because i assume that we are still close regardless of this conflict. but i've found that sometimes i assume this and those with Fe do not. and i'll say things in argument that can hurt F, but they're always for the sake of argument... i don't really carry what's said in argument with me. i assume it's part of the emotional outburst. but the people i know with Fe do not assume this at all.
    This, combined with everything else, really makes me think I might be ENFJ.

    and yeah, if there's a serious reason why someone hurt me, then i'll blame myself for not understanding, and try to empathize with them. generally i'm the first to attack and the first to apologize. sometimes i'll still feel like they're still in the wrong, but in the end i care more about the relationship than being right, and i have to prove to the Fe user that they mean a lot to me regardless of the angry things i said :blushing:
    Hmmm...but I apologize quickly once I've calmed down.

    I have both! I have no type!

  5. #25
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halla74 View Post
    Please tell me if it is the same when I opt to leave a conversation that is becoming hurtful/emotionally charged because I want to leave before I say something I will regret later? Yes, I feel pain in such circumstances, but it does not shut me down, if anything it is a primer for me to engage my self protection mechanisms. When I have done this in the past, at times I have been accused of "not wanting to communicate", to which I have replied "It's in both of our best interest that I stop communicating right now, and get some air. please excuse me."

    Same or different?



    I understand where you are coming from on this one. When I saw the movie "Hostel" I was pretty disturbed. When I was a kid, those type of gore films did not bother me so much, and now I think I know why, it is because I wasn't contemplating the underlying humanity (or complete lack thereof) of it all.

    Similarly, I get somewhat upset when I hear of cases like Natalie Holloway's. Such events happen all too frequently, and it horrid and evil, and I wish the bastards that do such things were immediately rounded up and shot in the skull several times. But maybe that is a difference in how we as humans react to such pain/hurt: (a) some of us are more prone to internalizing it, and (b) others are prone to internalizing it to a limited degree, and then channel it into anger, disgust, resentment, etc. I'm not saying one approach is better than the other at all, just that there appear to be a few distinct means of processing that kind of energy.
    It's not as conscious for me as what you're describing, although I have realized there is a benefit to not talking right at that moment. But I don't stop talking because it's better that I don't talk -- I stop talking because I literally can't talk right then. Words won't come out. It's kind of like zooming in and then zooming out. I just zoom out as far away as I can get, and stay there. Hopefully when I zoom back in, I left the thing that upset me back in the room I zoomed out to. I know where it is. At some point down the road, the opportunity to discuss what happened will usually come back up in some organic way, and I'm usually willing to wait however long it takes to be able to discuss it with the right timing and intonation.

    Yeah, the Natalie Holloway situations. Deeply disturbing, raises all kinds of questions about good and evil and postmodernist thought and religion and ... stuff that could keep you up at night.

    Now if you make me mad, that's a whole 'nuther story, one where you wish I'd zoom out and stay there! But again, it's better not to talk because for sure I will say things I don't even know I'm saying and that I will regret and the other person will remember and resent. I have a hot temper and a sharp tongue so I've had to learn how not to use them.

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    I seek to talk to that person and I'd even rather argue than avoid the subject. Is that Fe? I have a hard time resolving my own feelings without the other person discussing it with me, etc.
    I suffer from the same condition. and So I ask the same question.

  7. #27
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    I suffer from the same condition. and So I ask the same question.
    And me too.
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  8. #28
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    So you're saying pursuing someone for conflict resolution when upset is Fe? Because when I'm upset (unless I just totally hate that person and never want to see them again) I seek to talk to that person and I'd even rather argue than avoid the subject. Is that Fe?
    Not at all, but it is one way the difference has manifest in my relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    I have a hard time resolving my own feelings without the other person discussing it with me, etc.
    Why is that? What's your motivation regarding such a discussion? Concerning conflict, negative feelings in me most naturally get resolved once I'm better able to understand the feelings of my husband, his motivations and needs; and, we're both clear on how we are to treat each other going forward.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charmed Justice View Post
    Not at all, but it is one way the difference has manifest in my relationship.

    Why is that? What's your motivation regarding such a discussion? Concerning conflict, negative feelings in me most naturally get resolved once I'm better able to understand the feelings of my husband, his motivations and needs; and, we're both clear on how we are to treat each other going forward.
    Because I hate the feeling of being disconnected from someone I care about, I hate that feeling of being angry or sad, and the disconnected feeling makes it like 1000X worse for me. I'm not saying I never need space when I'm mad, because I do, but I really seek to discuss things or work things out, or even argue to avoid the "disconnect." Another thing is that it's a lot easier to work things out when you understand what the other person's motivations are. A lot of problems are caused by misunderstanding the other person's motives, intentions, etc.

    I don't like the feeling of there being animosity in a room even with someone who is only an acquaintence - like if I have to be around an acquaintence I've had a problem with and can't avoid them for whatever reason, I hate having that feeling of unresolved issues and I often will apologize or forgive more quickly once I've calmed down for that reason.

    It's funny because I seem to embrace confrontation, but the feeling of there being real problems with people I care about is almost unbearable to me sometimes. I kind of freak out sometimes if I get that "disconnect" feeling, especially in a relationship.

    It's even worse when I think something is my fault and I've hurt someone - that makes it even worse, the guilt, and makes me even more inclined to want to talk it out.

  10. #30
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Looking at it from an outside perspective, it is much easier for me to tell if I have hurt an Fi-Dom than an Fe-Aux. Fe seems to hold a lot in maybe for the sake of harmony and making everybody happy.

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