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  1. #21
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    I wish that they'd taught me more about the real world instead of being as protective as they were, but the fact that I grew up in a small town where nothing bad ever really happened was a good part of that as well... adulthood was an unpleasant surprise

    I was also an extrovert raised by two introverts who didn't understand WHY I would want to have friends over so I only had friends over once or twice a year

    However, I love the fact that they encouraged our curiosity by taking us to museums, libraries, to talk to relevant people about our interests and indulging childhood fascinations with astronomy and geology with books and tools. They're also very loving parents who managed to think differently from almost everyone who surrounds them, which meant that I grew up knowing that I didn't HAVE to conform my beleifs to what everyone else thinks and that following my own thoughts was perfectly fine. They also made sure that both of us knew how to write and speak properly, which is a surprising advantage (they may have seemed like grammar nazis at some point, but now that I'm older I'm quite grateful )
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  2. #22
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Wishlist

    - Wish they'd exposed me to sports and encouraged more exercise while I was growing up.
    - Talked more about money and how it works when I was younger.
    - My dad would have been more communicative.
    - Wish I'd had more experiences that forced me to take leadership roles earlier on and get comfortable outside of my own comfort level.
    - We didn't camp much or do outdoorsy things a lot.
    - Probably should have had to do more for myself.

    They did these things well:
    - Spent a lot of time with me (I was the baby in a very spread out family).
    - Took my needs and wishes into account while remaining in the lead.
    - Allowed me to discuss a lot of ideas with them and led by my attachment to them rather than by force. Usually their reasoning for making a decision was clear.
    - Were consistent and practiced what they preached.
    - Had vision for what I could do, but provided the encouragement and practical elements necessary to achieve it.
    - Verbalized that they loved me and felt proud of me. Didn't make their love conditional.
    - Included me in their lives, rather than assuming that I should have a separate world with just peers. Even into adulthood we have taken trips together and had a great time. Did not feel like they could hardly wait for me to leave home so they could be a couple again and my room was left as it had been on purpose so I knew that there was always a place where I was welcome to come back to when I visited.
    - Chose to settle close to extended family and spent money on gas and phone calls to remain in touch.
    - Did matchmaking between me and people that mattered to them (family, friends etc) so that we both had reason to pursue a connection to each other.
    - My mum in particular told a lot of stories about the people around us and about her own life which was instructive when I was making decisions about my own life. She was reflective and could say which things she felt good about and which things she would have changed.
    - My mum did a good job of role-modelling hospitality, communication skills and resolving conflict.
    - Exposed me to a lot of kinds of people and ideas while growing up.
    - Stood up for us publicly while keeping us accountable privately as well. Mum in particular did good job of teaching me how to value myself so that other people knew where appropriate boundaries were.
    - My dad backed my mum up. She was an excellent manager and he was the primary provider.
    - Gave me a solid foundation and reasoning for following the world view that they had. I had to keep re-evaluating along the way, but I they were about more than just going to church.
    - Didn't move around when I was growing up. I think that creates a lot of instability, from talking to other people and observing.
    - Didn't drink or do drugs, but also talked about why those choices had been made. They had good reasoning that made sense to me.
    - Exposed me to quality literature early on and transferred a love of reading to me.
    - Helped all of us get post-secondary education. Our needs were provided for, although we were expected to live frugally. Most of my friends have a lot of student loan debt, so I am grateful for that leg up. My parents assumed and expected that all of us would become something and have a means of providing for ourselves.
    - Didn't put pressure on to date at a young age. In retrospect, I think that contributed a lot to the options and sense of identity I have now.
    - Didn't compare us to each other.

  3. #23
    L'anima non dimora Donna Cecilia's Avatar
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    What do you wish your parents had done for you as a child?

    - Talked to me more often about meaningful things, not only about school and the local football championship results.

    - Accepting me for who I am, not trying to make me more sociable, talkable or cheerful. I had a hard time accepting myself because of this.

    What did they do which really stands out as significant?

    - Giving me little to none life advice. I learnt everything the hard way. To be 26, I´ve been through almost anything, good and bad.

    "An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise."
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  4. #24
    Senior Member Qre:us's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JAVO View Post
    What do you wish your parents had done for you as a child?
    Spoiled me less.

    Also, were more adamant on teaching me the values of daily-living skills, rather than doing all that for me. Esp. cooking. They completely babied me in this regard, and I played up to the part, to avoid such boring, menial tasks.

    What did they do which really stands out as significant?
    They were very much so an advocate of me exercising my independence. My dad, especially, was very particular about me learning how to trust my own judgement about people, situations and things. So, they allowed me a lot of freedom in that regard, and trusted in my judgement because they were confident that they had instilled the lessons I would need to know to make sound judgements. And because they knew that I was a pretty smart cookie.

    They were also very encouraging of my curiosity, and "defiance" against the status quo [although they would challenge me if they disagreed, but it was more to make me confident in my own beliefs, however different it was from theirs]. They respected my stand.

    There was nothing I wasn't not allowed to do, just because I was a girl, or anything like that, which, given the culture I grew up, was a novelty - as I saw differently with other friends and their parents.

    Through their own actions and ways, they taught me great lessons in morality, integrity of character and fair treatment towards others and myself.

  5. #25
    Pumpernickel
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    Quote Originally Posted by Qre:us View Post
    Spoiled me less.

    Also, were more adamant on teaching me the values of daily-living skills, rather than doing all that for me. Esp. cooking. They completely babied me in this regard, and I played up to the part, to avoid such boring, menial tasks.



    They were very much so an advocate of me exercising my independence. My dad, especially, was very particular about me learning how to trust my own judgement about people, situations and things. So, they allowed me a lot of freedom in that regard, and trusted in my judgement because they were confident that they had instilled the lessons I would need to know to make sound judgements. And because they knew that I was a pretty smart cookie.
    This exactly

  6. #26
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Place more trust in me and realize I was more responsible than they thought. Be more open-minded as to what made me happy. Not dismiss art as an (im)possible career option for me. Try to be more my friends and not obsess so much about being an authoritative parenting figure whose only aim should be responsibility and duty.

    On the positive side, they were always there for me, I could depend on them for most things. They forced me to be active (even though my laziness would eventually come on top :P). They didn't buy me lots of stuff which made me into the non-materialistic guy I am today. They thought me to be good to other people.

  7. #27
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Smile The Chrysalis

    My mother was second in command of the Women's Royal Australian Navy (WRAN) and my father was ship's captain, so they practised the authoritarian mode of child raising rather than the helping mode of child rearing.

    However they loved both my sister and myself and looked after us well.

    So it was left to myself to burst out of my chrysalis.

    And fortunately I live in a prosperous and safe country that was very forgiving of all the mistakes I made trying to burst out of my authoritarian chrysalis.

    And having battled through that tough chrysalis, I stood in the warm and drying air and discovered I had wings.

    And I discovered the air was like wine and breathed it in and took flight.

  8. #28
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Interesting thread.

    I'm going to delve into my Handy Dandy Book of Pop Culture Wisdom (it rivals Bartlett's, srsly) and say that there's this one quote from Staind's It's Been Awhile that's always stuck in my craw: "I cannot blame this on my father/He did the best he could for me."

    I really thought about that for a long long time, about what it meant and what not. I had a similar conversation with my friend this weekend about what we wish our parents had taught or schooled us about for us not to be in certain situations we're in now (basically overwhelming school loans).

    I've become less critical of my upbringing because ultimately, they told me and taught what they knew to teach me and what they didn't know to say and do, they didn't know and what can be done about that? I grew up in a stable home, we knew we were loved and weren't an inconvenience or some things that just took up space in the house. I suppose there are things some of us will do with our kids that they'll wish we had done that we didn't know to do.

    And then when I think further about it, would I really have been receptive to what they wanted to instill in me if I was resistant? What if they wanted me to play more sports and forced me into it? What if they wanted me to be more musically-inclined and then forced me into something I didn't want to do? I feel like they would've been damned if they do, damned if they don't.

    For me, an example is I was told to go to community college. They told me it was a wiser financial decision and I could transfer to my state school. I insisted on going far far away for school because that's just what you do when you go to college; you live the college life away from your parents doing what you want. I feel like they told me a lot of stuff that I'm just now seeing the wisdom about that I didn't realize back when I was a headstrong teen. That softens my view of their parenting a lot.

    Generally, I did not feel misunderstood and I knew my parents (more my mother than father, but everybody's got Daddy Issues) would fight for us because they did, I didn't feel anchorless. My parents were older parents, which makes a difference I think. Also a lot of the parenting ignorance was that my parents were first-generation middle class and there wasn't a wealth of knowledge to pass down to us because it hadn't been there previously. Once again, they didn't know to teach and do with us what they didn't have done to themselves or what they weren't exposed to. Like they'd play sports with us, but didn't take us to museums. Museums wasn't in their world to take us to, but would've been just as enriching. They did what they knew to do.

    I did feel that as they learned, it was very much given to us even up to the present time. I'm also more receptive now and recognize when I'm being given a golden nugget of wisdom, instead of viewing it as someone's attempt to control me or my life.

    There were no family secrets, I think the biggest thing I found out when I was a teenager is that my mother was my father's third wife (and that wasn't much of a surprise considering his behavior). While not perfect I think it was a B childhood.

    I feel like I've encountered many people angry at their parents and I've always wanted to know why. I will never forget going off to college and beginning to regularly hear people refer to their mothers as "bitch" and their fathers as sperm donors...it was a culture shock to me. Some people come from horribly abused and neglected backgrounds, but then there were others that based on what they said it wasn't quite as obvious what the issue was and where it originated. It was hard to figure out where it went wrong. This also led me to think about bad seeds and how many of those I was running across. I didn't/don't know how many people I talk to about this stuff, truly had a difficult childhood or just angry that they weren't adopted by Brangelina.

    And then I also think about people who did come from horrible backgrounds to become well-adjusted and healthy people. Why did they take a certain path and others fell into a ditch they never could get themselves out of?

    Just a lot of stuff to process about what I've heard people say and what their experiences are.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
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  9. #29
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    My mother was second in command of the Women's Royal Australian Navy (WRAN) and my father was ship's captain, so they practised the authoritarian mode of child raising rather than the helping mode of child rearing.
    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    MBTI is anti Australian because it puts the Enlightenment mind to sleep, and trains the authoritarian mind.

    And the authoritarian mind is essential for USA military and business.

    But the authoritarian mind is anti liberal democracy.

    And Australia is a liberal democratic polity.

    So MBTI is anti Australian
    now it's all clear... asking myself the question What Would Sigmund Say has finally made my day!
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by JAVO View Post
    What do you wish your parents had done for you as a child?

    What did they do which really stands out as significant?
    I wish they'd told the truth - or more of it - about how bad my dad's illness was. I only found out it was cancer from friends at school and was never told that he was dying.
    I wish my dad hadn't died when he did - I was 13.

    BUT - of significance - my dad (when he was ill) got me to promise that whatever happened I'd still appreciate the joy of going for a walk in the countryside. And my mum was incredibly strong when left with 2 hormonal and completely opposite in temperement teenage girls to bring up. What an example - but then I have never felt able to live up to that strong emotional example that she set...
    Above all, I appreciate the warm loving care and stable home I had, and being exposed to real christian faith lived out.

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