1) encourage their self-esteem so they will begin to see the good in themselves and thus, the good in others,
This is a process we use in the workplace with a colleague who deflects attention from his poor technology skills by running everyone else down, from management to IT staff to all of his colleagues.
We give him the opportunity to learn new things in a non-threatening way, compliment his new-found skills and seek opportunities where he can showcase them. he is far less negative when he has the opportunity to shine.
"Study hard what interests you the most in the most undisciplined, irreverent and original manner possible." — Richard P. Feynman
"Never tell a person a thing is impossible. G*d/the Universe may have been waiting all this time for someone ignorant enough of the impossibility to do just that thing." author unknown
What I do in such situations, I lose interest and quietly disappear from their lives. This is maybe not the best thing to do, but you have to be pretty important for me to make me feel like it really is my problem.
What I should have done. Insist that they start making changes. Next time they complain I should have asked why they didn't make the changes necessary. I guess this would have led them being pissed off and quietly disappearing from my life. Or they might have done as I told them.
But, yeah, most of the time I think that it is almost impossible to change anyone.
I sat next to someone at work who was like that for a couple of years. Eventually, I just started saying "Shut up, do you mind?" The first time I said it, she looked at me and then slowly started to laugh. I just did variations of good humoredly not taking her seriously, like, "Ok, it's 11 am and you've already bitched about x and x and x and x. Is it going to be like this all day? Because I gotta say, I've about had my limit already..." They don't always realize what they're doing and sometimes it helps to just point out that their every remark is fault-finding, and they catch themselves and stop.
I don't think you can change anyone's attitude unless that person is trying to change it themselves. For better or worst, all you can really do is give a person reasons or suggestions on how to improve. The change has to come from that person and being forceful about it will just make it worst. In most cases, it creates an atmosphere where talking becomes obsolete and the other person might/will twist everything you say with a negative light. Perhaps the best thing you can do is try to see it from his or her point of view and reason with him or her using his or her language. There's a button for everyone, you just need to push the right one.
If you know the type of the person, you might want to try to reason with his or her secondary or main function because that person is definately using tertiary funtion to rationalize the negative behaviors.
This post grammatical errors had been intentionally left uncorrected.
The stronger someone tries to force her not to whine, the more she's going to do it. Therefore, there needs to be increased relationship with her so that you have more pull.
Most negative behaviours cannot be stopped. Only crowded out. She needs positive things to focus on and perhaps could be directly or indirectly presented with methods of communicating her needs that will have a better result.
If she is feeling hard done by, it might be worthwhile to see if any of it is valid and something that could be fixed. Sometimes when people see some effort is being put forth to meet their needs, they are better able to suck up the frustrations that they encounter.
Do you have the kind of relationship that you can be honest about the effect that her communication style has? If you can do so without showing annoyance, it may be useful to gently present her with a couple of specific examples of why it is not working for her and then offer a couple of practical ways that she can better achieve the oucomes she wants.
While you shouldn't have to turn yourself inside out to placate her, try surprising her now and then with something unexpected and nice - coffee from her favourite place, some kind of treat, flowers for her desk just to let her know that she's appreciated.
Is there any direction where you can redirect the negative energy that goes into complaining and feeling entitled to complain? Something either solution oriented, or that would distract her and take up her energies instead?
Lots of this may stem from insecurities, even if she does not show them. Try to think of ways that you can calm those insecurities (which is what make her look for a scapegoat or for constant sympathy/attention).
Use humour to make her aware of how often she does it, without invalidating her or publicly embarrassing her.
ISTJs rarely spill their thought processes or inward feelings. I think they like to stick to what is impersonal and what they are able to easily assess because then they are on solid ground. A lot of the interpersonal stuff is uncomfortable and makes them feel incompetent. I think there's a lot of tendancy to appear angry/negative when it is more of a reaction to people not understanding them or interacting in the way they wish they would and yet they do not have the words to more productively express that. Sometimes emotions tend to sneak up on them and so they spill out without a lot of analysis or prior awareness of the effect they have on the people around them.
When she starts whining, immediately come up with a solution that would fix the situation. Or come up with 12 solutions. Do this EVERY time she complains. Pretty soon, she'll either see that the whining is pointless when there's something she could do to change the situation, OR she'll start to feel like she should take her whining somewhere else, because it's no fun to complain to YOU.
If she responds to the suggestions, you might gently point out that it's kind of pointless to complain all the time--she can either do something to get out of her situation, or she can accept her situation. But that, to be honest, she's draining you with the negativity, even if it temporarily makes her feel better.
“If a person is on a dissimilar journey then they have lessons to learn which are different from yours. We should be cognizant of this and not judge. For he / she who judges, only fools self which is a tragedy. Why is it a tragedy? We are so blind searching for the light and when we judge we only lengthen our journey.” I believe just like we have a genetic blueprint in our DNA, there also is a blueprint for reason there. This is why on the sites I have been on, I have been non-arguementative and non-defensive. What I wrote is right or perhaps not. I listen to reason & logic. I greatly appreciate precision in thought and reason has helped me refine a point on how I say things. Conversely, what the other person says is either right or wrong. A key is reason versus negativity. I have already stated that a negative, angry , blaming approach is distorted. Still I am on a path. I try to learn from someone more enlightened than myself. But, if I am further on the path, I still can learn from others who may not be so far on the path. This is why, with an angry individual I still strive to find some truth in their statement. I will then dialogue with that person. We will communicate on that element of truth or reason. Thus dialogue, communication, possibly respect and even friendship can be established. Hopefully, the other can learn from me & so each can learn from the other.
you could always make hints in passing. if it's a situation i fear confrontation and bluntness would not go over well, ie with someone i don't know too terribly well... i opt for sly jokes. point out their negative cloud in a joke that they can turn and laugh at as well.
"I don't know a perfect person.
I only know flawed people who are still worth loving."