User Tag List

First 1234 Last

Results 11 to 20 of 31

  1. #11
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    yupp
    Posts
    29,770

    Default

    exactly, that's how it is with my friend. she's one of my best friends but her negativity is like OMG!!! WOMAN SHUT UP!!!!!people are worse off then the both of us.I mean complaining is fine once in awhile, but complain non stop and never do shit about it, bugs me.

  2. #12
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    9w1 sx/so
    Posts
    18,086

    Default

    oh...my response was for a close friend...hmm...i would say the same thing a lot nicer haha...maybe be a bit more encouraging.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  3. #13
    Member Flutterby's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    5
    Posts
    36

    Default

    What type are they?

    I used to complain sometimes about little things because it was easier than dealing with my big huge problems. Also, sometimes people are just projecting, they hate most about others what they hate most about themselves. I think I could think of two possible reasons why they are complaining about other people all the time:

    1. They don't like being around people and don't realise that it's okay to find ways to get more alone time and less being with people time. This can be huge for some introverts who don't know what introversion is and don't understand why they can't be like their extrovert friends. Sometimes even if you do know what introversion is you don't realise quite *how* introverted you are, until one day you just realise you can't stand to have people around you for more than so many hours per day.

    2. They actually care a lot about the people they are complaining about, and genuinely want them to be better but don't know how to help them to change. Or maybe they think telling people what they're so bad at will help them, but it probably won't because people will react emotionally rather than logically.

    The only other thing coming to mind is one person I know, they react to *everything* emotionally. It's always they feel this, so and so must feel that, feelings, feelings, feelings. I know it's too overwhelming for them to deal with the world if they don't show their feelings all over the place, but I've had to cut back on the amount of time I am around them. They're also extroverted so if they start talking about stuff I don't care about I just say yes, yes, yes and eventually they stop talking. (I know that sounds horrible, but I've tried to explain to them that I don't care about these things in the past and they were very hurt, plus since then I've realised that they *need* to talk so I just let them.)

  4. #14
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Enneagram
    9w8 so/sx
    Posts
    11,544

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Flutterby View Post
    What type are they?
    ISTJ, Enneagram 1.

    Level 4, 5 and 6 on enneagram institute covers them most of the time, my issue is when they're here:

    "Highly critical both of self and others: picky, judgmental, perfectionistic. Very opinionated about everything: correcting people and badgering them to "do the right thing"—as they see it. Impatient, never satisfied with anything unless it is done according to their prescriptions. Moralizing, scolding, abrasive, and indignantly angry."

    1 - Enneagram Type One: The Reformer

    They have a very strong sense of what is right and wrong, which is fine, they know where they want to be in life, which is admirable, but they set their expectations as universal, their standards as the only ones that count.

  5. #15
    Member Flutterby's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    5
    Posts
    36

    Default

    Ahhh. What happens if you tell them they're a perfectionist?

    Maybe just tell them what you're really thinking? IE. I admire your morals, your drive and your ambition, but I think it's unrealistic to expect everyone to live up to your standards.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    4
    Socionics
    INFp
    Posts
    3,403

    Default

    Creating a new set of boundaries and implementing them for more than a month without backing down. Its near impossible unless you change their health and life style first!

  7. #17
    Senior Member Moonstone3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    9, 5
    Socionics
    INTj
    Posts
    187

    Default

    Not possible. Yep, you will be screwed if you continue listening. My boss's wife is this person, constantly complaining about him. Then, little did I know, she was throwing my name around that I agreed with her. Malarkey!!! I was furious! Just because I listen, doesn't mean I say yes. Eventually, my character was compromised and I told on her airing out her dirty laundry to me every second of everyday. I didn't give my boss details, but told him I knew more about shit I could care less about him than he would ever know.
    These people are insecure. They want to have people on their side, to help them feel like they are not blowing it out of proportion and are just in their complaints. I know, I was there for a few short months. I came to realize it was pointless. I need to find my own answers and comfort.
    This woman doesn't talk to me anymore, and what a relief! Of course she's worn out her other friends bouncing around to see who will agree with her. Eventually, she'll only have herself to listen to. Then she won't feel the need to 'build a team.' She will be her team.
    Disagree, then tell this person she is the only person that can answer her questions and it's up to her to decide what she thinks on a situation. Leave her in the dirt, so she can pick herself up. It is the only way she came climb out of the rubble-and stay there.
    What is normal to one, is incomprehensible to another.

    ALL anger in this world stems from a lack of control.


    All of reality bows to the illusion of life and death.

  8. #18
    Member Flutterby's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    5
    Posts
    36

    Default

    I think your friend is projecting very heavily because *she* feels she has to be perfect, so she resents it very strongly when other people don't at least *try* to be perfect.

    I don't know that you can solve that emotional issue for her, but maybe you could engineer a way for her to feel safe if you lowered her usual standards. (I'm not saying this applies to everyone who is like this, just the fact that you are saying she is complaining an overwhelming amount, may be a sign that she really feels afraid no one will love her if she's not perfect.)

    I guess the other option is to turn it around: X I need to talk to you. I feel that your indirect passive aggressive complaints are very unprofessional. I'd like it if you could keep your opinions to yourself in future and confront people directly whenever you have a problem with them.

    Depends how much you like her and how much you want to mess her up.

  9. #19
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    2,629

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    1) encourage their self-esteem so they will begin to see the good in themselves and thus, the good in others, but that's a very active stance, might require you faking a bit, or a lot depending on if you actually like the person at all

    I have a friend who complains and whines and supposedly, I could help by encouraging her and complimenting her good qualities, 'coddle' her, but I can't do that, don't do that naturally. I can only offer logical solutions as to how to resolve her problems, but none of this verbal hugging that my Fe friends can do. And I appreciate it from them, but it's not one of my skills. I can show sympathy to a degree, but the whole thing is frustrating.

    2) when they talk, just zone out. if s/he is not important to you, is not a friend or part of your social circle, there's no need to dig into their business. don't let any of it bug it. just nod or pretend to be busy. be there but don't draw all of that mess inside yourself. is that avoidance? that's a more low-key, don't stir the boat stance.

    3) The other thing is riskier than both. You can lay it out there on them. This could make things worse, but I don't see any other options. It's either coddling, ignore or Te-slap their face. Tell them that they have a negative attitude, blaming others for own problems, being a *ussy instead of a go-getter ... etc.
    I like that suggestion

    I know what it feels like. I lived with a person who constantly complained about everything for a year. At first I tried to be supportive and told her everything was going to be better in the future and she would be successful and stuff (not flattery, just encouragement), and she argued against every positive thing I said. I stressed out and tried to be even more supportive and understanding. It didn't work. In the end, I realized that she liked to see herself as a victim of life. Nothing was ever her fault. After that, I just went along with what she said and tuned out a lot, and my life quality significantly improved.

    Someone on the board posted this link a while ago, and when I read it I was like "This was my situation!":
    Karpman drama triangle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  10. #20
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Enneagram
    9w8 so/sx
    Posts
    11,544

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Flutterby View Post
    Ahhh. What happens if you tell them they're a perfectionist?

    Maybe just tell them what you're really thinking? IE. I admire your morals, your drive and your ambition, but I think it's unrealistic to expect everyone to live up to your standards.
    They know they're anal in certain areas, but because it's within their standards they see it as a positive thing.

    I like you idea but I mostly feel unable to raise the topic without them feeling as though I'm attacking them personally and harshly. I expect things would be better if we ignore the negative stuff and I attempt to influence more positive things.

    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse View Post
    Creating a new set of boundaries and implementing them for more than a month without backing down. Its near impossible unless you change their health and life style first!
    That has worked in the past, like that approach.

    Quote Originally Posted by Flutterby View Post
    I think your friend is projecting very heavily because *she* feels she has to be perfect, so she resents it very strongly when other people don't at least *try* to be perfect.
    I agree, her personal standards are high, and she expects others to meet them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Flutterby View Post
    Depends how much you like her and how much you want to mess her up.
    Like her enough, definitely don't want to mess her up.

Similar Threads

  1. ask a nocap and get told to ask someone else
    By Nocapszy in forum The Fluff Zone
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 06-12-2009, 02:44 AM
  2. WHY can't I become someone else? Why is it not possible to really change?
    By mysavior in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 10-22-2007, 02:40 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO