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View Poll Results: When I see jealousy in my partner, it is generally a...

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  • xNTP: positive thing/something I can appreciate/like when displayed/sign of commitment

    4 14.29%
  • xNTP: negative thing/something I don't appreciate/dislike when displayed/sign of problems

    7 25.00%
  • xNTJ: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xNTJ: negative thing...

    1 3.57%
  • xNFP: positive thing...

    2 7.14%
  • xNFP: negative thing...

    4 14.29%
  • xNFJ: positive thing...

    4 14.29%
  • xNFJ: negative thing...

    3 10.71%
  • xSTP: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTP: negative thing...

    2 7.14%
  • xSFP: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSFP: negative thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTJ: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTJ: negative thing...

    0 0%
  • xSFJ: positive thing...

    1 3.57%
  • xSFJ: negative thing...

    0 0%
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  1. #81
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    Some well worded explanations.

    But I still think there are many more positive and effective affirmations than jealousy.

    "Gee Hun I feel insecure around you"
    "Oh good, that shows you love me"
    "Actually my darling, It more than likely shows signs of co dependency and low self esteem, and nothing says I love you like some good old fashioned co dependency and self loathing"
    "I agree, interdependency and confidence are overrated"
    "I am so glad we had this talk, I am off to the bar now"
    "Ok, have fun, but not too much fun, call me every hour so I can confirm you aren't off banging some wench, OH and speaking of wenches, If Mary is there, you come home right away, she is always dressing sexy and I bet she had a tit job. remember.. I love you"

  2. #82
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    I'm surprised she lets you go to the bar.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

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  3. #83
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    "He who is not jealous cannot love" ~Andreas Capellanus: The Art of Courtly Love

  4. #84
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    It looks like there are two sets of assumptions regarding the source of jealousy:

    imagined fear combined with unhealthy control tactics.

    responding to realistic problems and taking responsibility for one's contribution towards a relationship.

    The bar story a few posts up could also be dysfunctional if the person going to the bar was banging everyone and the partner had some sense of it, but lived in denial about it and sent them off with a warm hug wishing them a good time and spending a lifetime in blindness and passive hurt because they couldn't face the truth about the person they love. Instead they love an idealized false image of the person. Obsession with jealous feelings misapplied to reality is unhealthy just as a denial of those same feelings when problems arise in reality.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
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  5. #85
    ^He pronks, too! Magic Poriferan's Avatar
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    I can see the reasoning here.

    If I did something that would, I think, be the kind of behavior that would insight jealousy, and there was no reaction from my partner at all, I admit that it would make me wonder if the person had any fear of losing me. And she doesn't have any fear of losing me, can she possibly want me? It's a disturbing train of thought to go down...
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  6. #86
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    I am a possessive person and I prefer partners who are also possessive. My partners are very important in my life and I would like to be as important in theirs.

    As for jealousy: I don't mind expressions of jealousy as long as it's not an everyday occurence and doesn't turn to psychologically or physically controlling the other person.

    ...I read the OP as referring to specific instances of jealousy, but it seems it was referring to general expression?

  7. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    It looks like there are two sets of assumptions regarding the source of jealousy:

    imagined fear combined with unhealthy control tactics.

    responding to realistic problems and taking responsibility for one's contribution towards a relationship.

    The bar story a few posts up could also be dysfunctional if the person going to the bar was banging everyone and the partner had some sense of it, but lived in denial about it and sent them off with a warm hug wishing them a good time and spending a lifetime in blindness and passive hurt because they couldn't face the truth about the person they love. Instead they love an idealized false image of the person. Obsession with jealous feelings misapplied to reality is unhealthy just as a denial of those same feelings when problems arise in reality.
    I wrote the story.. I can assure you there is no metaphor in my story. It's blatant sarcasm illustrating a very specific point.

    I never thought I would ever end up trying to defend the virtues of not being jealous.
    It's confounding.

    Maybe it's semantics or something??

  8. #88
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Well said. I was starting to think people might be picturing a variety of behaviors and feelings when they use the word, "jealousy". The following are a variety of problems I could have with a complete lack of it from a partner, and the following represent different types of partners, but they are all at odds with the ideal that pure love - no jealousy:

    Presumption - the ultra-confident partner who is sure they have you regardless of how invested they are in your well being or treatment. If they leave you lonely, still there is no worries about the attention of other men because they are so proud that their sense of self thwarts reality. The truth is it is normal for people to have times in their life when they feel lonely or unvalidated, even with a partner. Others see it and can move in. To feel there could never be a threat regardless of personal investment and behavior is unrealistic. To then take the position that the person would have to be trash to cheat on someone as fabulous as oneself is just more of that imaginary, irresponsible worldview.

    Apathy - to be with a partner and simultaneously okay with the loss of that partner can imply a half investment in the relationship. A person might not feel jealousy because inside they aren't entirely invested or sure they want the responsibility of the relationship, but they also don't want to initiate change. In this way the relationship might continue or end without investment. This offers a way to somewhat enjoy the moments in the relationship but with minimal risk to self. Just don't get too attached and then there are no hassles of jealousy or hurt.

    Denial - one can also live in a rosey world where any behavior or situation is free of threat and problem. There is no reason for jealousy because we have a perfect trusting relationship that is above and beyond those selfish problems. There is never a reason for a threat because love transcends everything and trust is bliss.

    Every relationship can deteriorate if taken for granted. The problematic jealousy imposes that risk of loss onto reality when it isn't there. It is the partner who interrupts a conversation between platonic friends because they are sure of competition and loss. My question for the non-jealous types is how do you deal with it when there is a threat to the relationship? What about when you have been away for work for a year? Or when you have played golf every weekend for five years and haven't realized that your partner feels isolated and alone? What about the presumption that can take place that blinds people to their partner's emotional needs that someone else starts filling? How do you react when that partner tells you they feel isolated and others are paying attention which is confusing them? No jealousy? Then when it all falls apart it becomes easy to blame the estranged partner as being worthless because you "trusted" them and look at what a horrible person they turned out to be, etc.
    I really don't think I have anything to add to this; just wanted to say I think you outline some excellent scenarios and pose some great questions at the end. (and the bolded succinctly states why I think Jealousy in these sorts of discussions is equated by many to be a Very Bad Thing - the whole gray area of 'unfounded' jealousy based on the reality of the relationship)

    I think all three 'types' that you outline illustrate why I find zero jealousy in a relationship a little unsettling. But, I also don't think jealousy requires insecurity or other more negative root feelings as its source; certainly jealousy *can* be a symptom of insecurity and codependency, but it isn't necessarily the case.

    To be jealous of any and all interactions your partner has with another would probably be extreme. But for myself, if I didn't experience any little nervous flutter in my stomach if I felt my significant other was becoming too emotionally invested/close to another woman, or heck, showing excessive interest in having, building, and maintaining female 'friendships', well... that would be strange. And definitely vice versa as well. That would mean I wouldn't particularly care one way or another whether he was pulled in a moment of weakness or simply to fill something that was lacking in our relationship of which I was unaware. And if I didn't care - if I didn't have that twinge of worry or fear at possible consequences, well, for me it would mean I didn't view the health, intimacy, and closeness of our Relationship as being at stake -- when it fact it might be.
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  9. #89
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    OK I am convinced now this is semantics.

    Of course I care if my partner seems to be getting a little too close to someone.
    And of course every now and then I am racked with feelings of inadequacy and worry my partner might leave me simply because I am not good enough.
    But this confirms to me that I value my partner and need help with my self esteem.

    I don't understand how this is a positive affirmation for my partner that I care. If it is.. It should be on the bottom of the list.

    I can think of so many other ways to affirm my love and I would seriously hope my partner valued those over me being jealous.

  10. #90
    Courage is immortality Valiant's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    "He who is not jealous cannot love" ~Andreas Capellanus: The Art of Courtly Love
    Bingo. Love is an extreme, for one to exist there must be more.
    Hate, love, passion, jealousy.
    I've always found that people who seem incapable of jealousy don't have much of a depth or passion in their feelings.
    That's quite ordinary, so it's probably just a temperament of sorts.

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