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View Poll Results: When I see jealousy in my partner, it is generally a...

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  • xNTP: positive thing/something I can appreciate/like when displayed/sign of commitment

    4 14.29%
  • xNTP: negative thing/something I don't appreciate/dislike when displayed/sign of problems

    7 25.00%
  • xNTJ: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xNTJ: negative thing...

    1 3.57%
  • xNFP: positive thing...

    2 7.14%
  • xNFP: negative thing...

    4 14.29%
  • xNFJ: positive thing...

    4 14.29%
  • xNFJ: negative thing...

    3 10.71%
  • xSTP: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTP: negative thing...

    2 7.14%
  • xSFP: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSFP: negative thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTJ: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTJ: negative thing...

    0 0%
  • xSFJ: positive thing...

    1 3.57%
  • xSFJ: negative thing...

    0 0%
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  1. #21
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Is it a negative thing, a positive thing?
    In moderation, I think it's fine. Too much and I think it can be very unhealthy.

    Is it an indication of faltering self esteem or insecurity?
    Some insecurity - sure. Faltering self-esteem - only if excessive.

    Does it show they truly care about you?
    It shows they care about losing something which is not the same as caring about you. It might show they care.

    Does it show that they don't trust you to be faithful?
    I don't think it has to - no.

    What does jealousy in a partner say to you?
    I just think some people have more leanings in this regard than others and it probably varies at different stages in a relationship.

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  2. #22
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trinity View Post
    But why is that? Is it about them showing how much they need you, showing you have some control/power over them, that they want to have a sense of ownership over you, what?
    I think there is a little bit of all of these things. In small doses, I actually do like it.

    The signs can be very subtle.

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  3. #23
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Smile Love and Jealousy

    Quote Originally Posted by Trinity View Post
    YLJ stance on jealousy is curious to me:

    What say yee on the subject of jealousy in a romantic relationship?

    Is it a negative thing, a positive thing?

    Is it an indication of faltering self esteem or insecurity?

    Does it show they truly care about you?

    Does it show that they don't trust you to be faithful?

    What does jealousy in a partner say to you?
    Like religion, jealousy is nice in small doses.

    But the toxicity lies in the dose - and the higher the dose the more toxic.

    When my very first love took up with someone else, I experienced overwhelming jealousy. But fortunately I had friends to share it with. And with time I was able to work through it and say goodbye to my love and tell her I loved her and she replied in kind.

    But jealousy is a threat to love just as fear is a threat to courage.

    And just as there is no courage without fear, there is no love without jealousy.

  4. #24
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victor
    And just as there is no courage without fear, there is no love without jealousy.
    I agree that there is no courage without fear, but I do not agree that you cannot love without experiencing jealousy. One does not facilitate the other.


    I truly don't get this. How it can be seen as a good thing (even in small doses) that is. I can kinda understand the desire for it to be present, still goes back to insecurity imo but I don't see how it's ever positive.

    For me I experience insecurity when I don't know where I stand, I very much dislike being unsure of that, sometimes it comes from jealousy but it never appears in a healthy relationship, when jealousy does surface it's the beginning of the end for me as it means I can't or am not being allowed to "read" my partner. As I'm one to ask blunt direct questions that's a big thing.

    When others express jealousy towards me I am exceptionally turned off, I do not like the idea of being "owned" and I do not tolerate the indirect suggestion that I cannot be trusted or may not be faithful, I also appreciate those who are independent and secure in themselves. I'm happy to give whatever reassurances I can to dispel any insecurity and let my partner know exactly where they stand but if they express jealousy I do not find it cute and I would be inclined to walk away.

    I completely accept that there should be a line when it comes to acting flirtatious around other people but if a line is pushed too far I would always prefer my partner be open with me and state their discomfort with my behavior then get jealous.

    Basically I don't do jealousy. Maybe it's an ENTP thing, maybe it's a sp/so thing =/ ... or maybe it's because I'm anti-religious Vic

  5. #25
    Courage is immortality Valiant's Avatar
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    I think jealousy isn't a negative thing as it makes people talk.
    If said jealousy isn't founded on a partner actually intending to cheat or something like that, it can make both parts of a relationship to understand each other better.
    What you guys say about the need for this thing passing away over time, I can sort of understand that.
    You don't really need to be on your guard as much after twenty years.
    At the same time, one needs to be reminded about how big the green zone is sometimes.
    People are notoriously unreliable. Everyone is. It's called being human.
    Temptations are everywhere, especially if you are attractive or such.
    I know I need restrictions, and I gladly place them upon myself.
    For instance, hanging out with female friends alone all night long isn't really an option if i'm in a relationship.
    Or flirting with others at social gatherings or parties. I do flirt a lot and naturally, if I am single.
    It's really hard not to do it all the time, with no harm intended.
    I know it can look worse than it is, and thus I draw the line for myself pretty much at zero.
    This I do if I really love someone and don't want to hurt the person.

    Once, I had a girlfriend who went all grumpy about me openly saying that some actress was hot.
    INFP. Went around all cute-grumpy poking me with snide remarks at every turn about looking like whoever it was
    That kind of jealousy is funny and cute. I love the light version of jealousy.
    If it turns to violence, screaming and stuff like that... Stalking... Fuck that.
    Seriously, people like that needs to be locked up.

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  6. #26
    Senior Member InsatiableCuriosity's Avatar
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    Jealousy tells me someone in the relationship is insecure and not confident in that relationship - as an INTP I would find that very cloying and irritating in a partner!!
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  7. #27
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trinity View Post
    But why is that? Is it about them showing how much they need you, showing you have some control/power over them, that they want to have a sense of ownership over you, what?
    I think it shows itself as a form of reassurance that your partner cares enough to not want something to threaten the relationship or your feelings for them. Obviously, there are better ways to go about showing a significant other that you care, but i think that one can be involuntary and it can be nice to have someone get territorial to a degree.
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  8. #28
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    I'm a jealous person. I'm only jealous if I care. A guy being a little jealous makes me feel wanted, too.

    However, jealousy can go too far and just be selfish and destructive. Then it's bad. Usually that kind of jealousy is rooted in deep insecurity.

  9. #29
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    i can't stand jealousy that's in the form of distrust but i understand feeling a bit possessive...like not wanting someone to be too close or flirty with you. not because i'm insecure or worried about it but because...um...i'm the only one who get's to be like that with him...like that...if that makes sense.
    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    I think it shows itself as a form of reassurance that your partner cares enough to not want something to threaten the relationship or your feelings for them. Obviously, there are better ways to go about showing a significant other that you care, but i think that one can be involuntary and it can be nice to have someone get territorial to a degree.
    This. I think a healthy relationship can have implicit trust but still leave room for a teensy bit of possessiveness. I can trust my partner, and know he's not into another girl, but still feel a little weird about a chick openly flirting with him. I wouldn't make him reassure me about that, because the trust is still there. I guess it's just a reminder to me internally of how much I care.
    Something Witty

  10. #30
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    But jealousy is a threat to love just as fear is a threat to courage.

    And just as there is no courage without fear, there is no love without jealousy.
    I actually really like this quote.

    For the people who say all jealousy is bad, do you never have these feelings or is it that you don't voice them or you surpress them?

    I'm really pretty much on the low side of this - having these kinds of feelings rarely. But it does happen. It's not generally too rational from what I recall.

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