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View Poll Results: When I see jealousy in my partner, it is generally a...

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28. You may not vote on this poll
  • xNTP: positive thing/something I can appreciate/like when displayed/sign of commitment

    4 14.29%
  • xNTP: negative thing/something I don't appreciate/dislike when displayed/sign of problems

    7 25.00%
  • xNTJ: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xNTJ: negative thing...

    1 3.57%
  • xNFP: positive thing...

    2 7.14%
  • xNFP: negative thing...

    4 14.29%
  • xNFJ: positive thing...

    4 14.29%
  • xNFJ: negative thing...

    3 10.71%
  • xSTP: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTP: negative thing...

    2 7.14%
  • xSFP: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSFP: negative thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTJ: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTJ: negative thing...

    0 0%
  • xSFJ: positive thing...

    1 3.57%
  • xSFJ: negative thing...

    0 0%
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Results 241 to 250 of 253

  1. #241
    Obsession. Lethe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    I think it's unhealthy and a sign that there is no trust within the relationship. I've had an ex get mad at me for not behaving jealously because apparantly jealousy is the best sign someone cares.

    [...]I'm hardly going to behave in a manner I hate.

    Do I feel a momentary pause of jealousy occasionally? I'm only human, but I refuse to show it, or to give into it because I know it's about my own issues of insecurity and I'm not going to lay that on anybody to deal with.

    Me not showing that I am jealous, is not a sign I don't care, it's a sign I do care, which is why I trust instead.
    Double that. There are other ways of telling someone you care, but jealousy isn't really the best choice for affection in my book. Jealousy, for me, tends to be something that occurs in the beginning when you're not sure where you stand with a person. By the time I get around to seriously dating them, I should be able to predict how he'll respond to other people who show interest in him. If he's simply not into me, then there's nothing I can do to hold him back. It's entirely his choice. Sure, I'll be disappointed if he chooses to leave, however the alternative of him staying in a loveless, one-sided relationship is far worse.

    A few posters made a good distinction between thought and behavior. I'm sympathetic towards a partner may who feel it, and will try to reassure them whenever possible, though I am less flexible about those who deliberately act on it. Mind you, they're not morally wrong for acting that way, but instead the wrong type of person to be romantically involved with. They should instead date someone who has the same belief.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Everyone's different, and it needs to be evaluated in light of that. I don't think anything here is necessarily negative for the human race, although it can be negative for particular individuals.

    I'm not voting in the poll, it's too restrictive.
    At first, I thought the poll was restrictive myself, but then upon closer inspection, it's more about what the individual prefers (esp. with the use of "I" in the title). I think many people have agreed that jealousy can play out both ways in various relationships.
    "I cannot expect even my own art to provide all of the answers -- only to hope it keeps asking the right questions." -- Grace Hartigan

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  2. #242
    Senior Member Pixelholic's Avatar
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    I voted negative. Standing by my opinion that jealousy is not a good foundation for a caring relationship.

    My opinion may also stem from the fact that I've seen jealousy turn relationships into controlling abusive nightmares for people involved. I had a friend who's boyfriend severed contact with me for a year and a half because he was convinced we were having sex behind his back.
    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” -Nietzsche

  3. #243
    Geolectric teslashock's Avatar
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    At this point, how are we even defining jealousy?

    If we are using these definitions:
    1. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
    2. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

    then I'd say my feelings towards #1 are context-dependent. Unfounded paranoia/suspicion =!= good, but suspicion based on reasonable evidence seems only natural. Of course there is some ambiguity as to what is "reasonable" and what is "unfounded", but I think generally speaking, the difference is pretty clear.

    My feelings towards #2 are similar; overactive vigilance is bad, but putting forth effort/energy towards caring about maintaining a relationship, and harvesting resentment towards something/someone that clearly poses a threat to the relationship also seems natural.

    Unfounded suspicion and overactive vigilance are signs of insecurity within the relationship or personal insecurity and these things are usually due to a lack of trust/communication...all of which are obviously negative things.

  4. #244
    Geolectric teslashock's Avatar
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    Hmm, why isn't this post showing up in the new posts page?

  5. #245
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by teslashock View Post
    Hmm, why isn't this post showing up in the new posts page?
    Because you posted.

    Functionality was changed.
    You should use Quick Links > Today's Posts to find threads you just posted in.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

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  6. #246
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lethe View Post
    It first, I thought the poll was restrictive myself, but then upon closer inspection, it's more about what the individual prefers (esp. with the use of "I" in the title). I think many people have agreed that jealousy can play out both ways in various relationships.
    Maybe I read the thread title and still don't think it should be a binary question, especially because the style and level of jealousy is never defined.

    I mean, who would want to be with a spouse who is overtly jealous in ways that have destructive influence and create tendencies to control within the relationship?

    However, I do expect my spouse to care enough to feel like I am not being faithful if I start spending too much time elsewhere and not enough time with him. You could also call this "jealousy," but it's protective of the relationship, not destructive. Then again, we have those here who think no one should ever feel that way because they still see that as some form of control/negative energy.

    If taken as a binary and with the word vaguely defined, the poll seems sort of silly to me.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #247
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    However, I do expect my spouse to care enough to feel like I am not being faithful if I start spending too much time elsewhere and not enough time with him. You could also call this "jealousy," but it's protective of the relationship, not destructive. Then again, we have those here who think no one should ever feel that way because they still see that as some form of control/negative energy.

    If taken as a binary and with the word vaguely defined, the poll seems sort of silly to me.
    I think everyone would tend to agree that jealousy based on negative imagination (personal insecurity projecting false information onto another person's behavior) is not healthy. I've been wondering how many of the people with an absolute position on jealousy being negative feel they could deal with that feeling and forgive if their partner if they made them feel jealous. I lean towards thinking it can be a natural and healthy feeling, and I also think there are situations I could forgive if my partner instilled the feeling. Sometimes absolutist positions result from not knowing how to deal with the reality of the negative emotion, so it is either denied or cut out. It can be frightening to think that a good and meaningful relationship can have moments of problems. It can be easier to idealize it so that the goal is the type of interaction in which no negative emotion has justification. I think when someone has witnessed one extreme it can be difficult to imagine what the other end of the spectrum could look like. Instead of seeing the middle as balanced and healthy, there is a desire to run as far from the bad experience and desire whatever is its opposite.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
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  8. #248
    Senior Member Xellotath's Avatar
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    My dislike of jealousy in a partner is so strong that its practically an instant relationship breaker; no matter how far we've been together. 0 compromise in that aspect.

    I always end up feeling severely insulted no matter how flattering it might initially appear.

    "Neurotic, ha!"
    I let out a scornful laugh.
    "If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell.
    I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.
    "

    — Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar.

  9. #249
    Senior Member Pixelholic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    I think everyone would tend to agree that jealousy based on negative imagination (personal insecurity projecting false information onto another person's behavior) is not healthy. I've been wondering how many of the people with an absolute position on jealousy being negative feel they could deal with that feeling and forgive if their partner if they made them feel jealous. I lean towards thinking it can be a natural and healthy feeling, and I also think there are situations I could forgive if my partner instilled the feeling. Sometimes absolutist positions result from not knowing how to deal with the reality of the negative emotion, so it is either denied or cut out. It can be frightening to think that a good and meaningful relationship can have moments of problems. It can be easier to idealize it so that the goal is the type of interaction in which no negative emotion has justification. I think when someone has witnessed one extreme it can be difficult to imagine what the other end of the spectrum could look like. Instead of seeing the middle as balanced and healthy, there is a desire to run as far from the bad experience and desire whatever is its opposite.
    As someone who's not fan of jealousy I'll answer this.

    Jealousy in a spouse strikes me as a major lack of trust. If that trust is warranted (say I'm cheating and get caught or I have a history of cheating) then I don't see why you wouldn't just end the relationship. I wouldn't want to be with an inherently untrustworthy person. If it's unwarranted jealousy (i.e. I've been faithful and loyal in the relationship etc) then it just strikes me as the person's insecurities or their desire to have an unbalanced level of control in the relationship. I would break it off again. Either way jealousy to me seems like a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

    This doesn't mean I expect my significant other to just sit idly by and let me do whatever I want and for her to never get jealous. I'd rather her communicate whatever issues she might have so that we can work to move past them. Jealousy just makes things worse in my opinion.
    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” -Nietzsche

  10. #250
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Maybe I read the thread title and still don't think it should be a binary question, especially because the style and level of jealousy is never defined.

    I mean, who would want to be with a spouse who is overtly jealous in ways that have destructive influence and create tendencies to control within the relationship?

    However, I do expect my spouse to care enough to feel like I am not being faithful if I start spending too much time elsewhere and not enough time with him. You could also call this "jealousy," but it's protective of the relationship, not destructive. Then again, we have those here who think no one should ever feel that way because they still see that as some form of control/negative energy.

    If taken as a binary and with the word vaguely defined, the poll seems sort of silly to me.
    I agree! I think there should be another poll about the definition of 'jealousy'

    Personally, I'd call the bolded part jealousy but that's about as far as my definition of 'acceptable jealousy' goes. I think jealousy can plays out in several ways:

    A) You feel hurt because your partner is spending too much time with other people. You feel starved for attention and affection. You know your partner values you, but they're not showing it, and you feel neglected. At the very worst, you feel taken for granted.

    B) You feel betrayed because your partner is spending too much time with other people and you suspect that they are being unfaithful to you. You feel like they are trying to deceive you.

    For me, A is perfect okay, but B is not. Scenario A is kinda like what puppies feel when you neglect them for a long time and they try to get you to play with them and start whining if you don't, which I find pretty cute. Scenario B, on the other hand, shows a lack of trust and judgment on my character as untrustworthy, which could be an insult if I have done nothing to earn it.

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