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View Poll Results: When I see jealousy in my partner, it is generally a...

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  • xNTP: positive thing/something I can appreciate/like when displayed/sign of commitment

    4 14.29%
  • xNTP: negative thing/something I don't appreciate/dislike when displayed/sign of problems

    7 25.00%
  • xNTJ: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xNTJ: negative thing...

    1 3.57%
  • xNFP: positive thing...

    2 7.14%
  • xNFP: negative thing...

    4 14.29%
  • xNFJ: positive thing...

    4 14.29%
  • xNFJ: negative thing...

    3 10.71%
  • xSTP: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTP: negative thing...

    2 7.14%
  • xSFP: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSFP: negative thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTJ: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTJ: negative thing...

    0 0%
  • xSFJ: positive thing...

    1 3.57%
  • xSFJ: negative thing...

    0 0%
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  1. #161
    Senior Member KDude's Avatar
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    I'm not sure if it's good or bad. I'm not immune to it, but rarely vocalize it. More than likely, I'll just cut it off before things got serious if I see they need a bunch of attention elsewhere (give or take a few other reasons too..).

  2. #162
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KDude View Post
    I'm not sure if it's good or bad. I'm not immune to it, but rarely vocalize it. More than likely, I'll just cut it off before things got serious if I see they need a bunch of attention elsewhere (give or take a few other reasons too..).
    I am the same.

  3. #163
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Smile Jealousy and Paternity Testing

    and ANY man who looks through my cell phone or checks my e-mails is going to get dumped immediatly... I don't do ANYTHING for warrenting such suspicious behavior
    Paternity testing provides empirical evidence of suspicious behaviour.

    Yes, ever since we sequenced the genome, we have been able to pin-point suspicious behaviour with paternity testing.

    And about one third of all paternity tests are positive.

    And one third translates into a huge amount of suspicious behaviour.

    And paternity tests are easy to perform and get cheaper by the day.

    Until we sequenced the genome, it was men who found it hard to hide suspicious behaviour, but now paternity testing is shinning the spotlight on women.

  4. #164
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    I want a girl to be able to trust that I won't cheat on her, that I'll be there when she needs help, and that I'll butt out when she doesn't. However, I want to trust that she won't cheat on me, she'll tell me when she needs my help, and that she won't cop an attitude when I ask her if she's ok or I stop a fist unprompted. Is that unreasonable?
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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  5. #165
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    and ANY man who looks through my cell phone or checks my e-mails is going to get dumped immediatly... I don't do ANYTHING for warrenting such suspicious behavior
    What about Facebook?

  6. #166
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    Paternity testing provides empirical evidence of suspicious behaviour.

    Yes, ever since we sequenced the genome, we have been able to pin-point suspicious behaviour with paternity testing.

    And about one third of all paternity tests are positive.

    And one third translates into a huge amount of suspicious behaviour.

    And paternity tests are easy to perform and get cheaper by the day.

    Until we sequenced the genome, it was men who found it hard to hide suspicious behaviour, but now paternity testing is shinning the spotlight on women.
    We've talked about this before, but the pool of people who seek paternity testing is a self-selecting pool (i.e. people who aren't suspicious don't seek them). So another way to look at that stat is that 2/3 of the time, when a man suspects his child may not be his own, he's incorrect.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  7. #167
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I think a little bit of jealousy shows some sort of connection, and indifference is not necessarily good. If someone matters to you, their absence will feel like a loss to some degree. And jealousy seems to me to be tied to a sense of loss or, maybe more realistically, a fear of future loss.
    Loss I can completely understand, and I get what you're saying about missing your kids when they're spending time with other people or missing your partner when they're away, my relationship atm is long distance and of course I miss my partner but it doesn't translate to jealousy, in fact if it did I think it would be a very bad place to be due to the distance. What Morgan said about it being form of premature grief is exactly how it makes sense to me.


    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Like Marm says, it's not necessarily the feeling but the behavior that is right or wrong.
    I do totally agree with that, I've not called jealousy wrong or bad, what I've been saying is that it's a sign that there is an issue. That distinction between the feeling and the behaviour is important and a good point to raise.


    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    I think that people who don't get jealous at all might be a bit emotionally cool or afraid of commitment. I can't imagine what it's like to not get jealous at all, it implies to me a lack of passion, seriously.

    I mean if you don't care at all if you lose your mate, then I can't fathom that you're very much in love with them...maybe just killing time by having a relationship, and that seems much more co-dependent to me than being a little jealous in love.
    So your assumption is lack of jealousy means lack of interest? Interesting. From my perspective as someone who only experiences jealousy as a negative sign of trouble I can assure you that it's not related to a lack of emotional connection to my partner or a fear of commitment, not in the least, I'm certainly not the most emotionally expressive person but depth of my emotion isn't fickle. I also don't claim to have ever been in love, which may be a difference here.

    I would call a distinction between being invested and not wanting to lose your mate and feeling jealous or insecure about losing them, the two are not related for me. I don't want to lose my partner but that doesn't mean I'm jealous about who he spends time with or worry about him looking elsewhere, I don't feel I need to with him.


    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    "He who is not jealous cannot love" ~Andreas Capellanus: The Art of Courtly Love
    Victor posted that earlier and I don't see it, how is love dependant on feeling jealous?


    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Poriferan View Post
    I'm skeptical that love without jealousy even exists. Regardless of whether or not the element of jealousy is good or bad, I doubt it can be love at all if the jealousy is not there. How apathetic.

    If true, it would happen that this would then give jealousy a secondary characteristic of being good, just because one would take it as an indication of love.
    Explain how love is linked to jealousy? Love should be trust and openness, not jealous and bitter.


    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    I think you're right about that...and I think a lot of NTs have zero tolerance for it because it adds unnecessary drama to the relationship. And because we feel like once we've proved we're trustworthy, we shouldn't have to keep proving it.
    That's certainly how I feel about it, jealousy in a partner would say to me "I don't trust you" I appreciate people are giving different places that someone may be coming with when they display jealousy, but that's still how I would take it.


    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Poriferan View Post
    A lack of jealousy pretty much indicates a lack of vested interest.

    Wouldn't being completely devoid of jealousy mean that you care not how much interest a person devotes in someone other than you, how much they share with that person, and what they do with that person? I think having no jealousy would mean not even being bothered if you parter had sex with other people, or shared personal information that they wouldn't with you, or preferer spending time with others, etc.. I think if you have absolutely no jealousy in a relationhip, then you value it as much as you do your relationship with any stranger.
    Hell no. If my partner slept with someone else I would be pissed and hurt beyond words and I would leave, I do not tolerate infidelity, the thing is I trust him inexplicitly not to betray my trust in that regard, I don't feel the need for jealousy because I don't expect him to betray me.


    Quote Originally Posted by NoahFence View Post
    I would never be jealous for the primary reason that if my trust were broken to that degree, I'd never want to see the person again. Jealousy implies you want them back. I can't think I would. I would view it as a clear assertion they didn't want me, too. I'm not suggesting it wouldn't hurt, I would be devastated. But there is no combination of events that I can think of that would result in me feeling jealous for a person's affections.

    I might be jealous of their car, though. Rich people suck.
    Egg-zachery!


    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Poriferan View Post
    And if you misplaced your trust?
    The you get burnt, jealousy won't help you if you trust the wrong person, what's the alternative: if anything it will likely hold you back and form a defence against being hurt, hardly a worthwhile relationship if you're holding yourself at guard because you worry that your partner may betray you.

  8. #168
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    stuff
    Dang you have wisdom, girrrl!

    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Presumption - the ultra-confident partner who is sure they have you regardless of how invested they are in your well being or treatment. If they leave you lonely, still there is no worries about the attention of other men because they are so proud that their sense of self thwarts reality. The truth is it is normal for people to have times in their life when they feel lonely or unvalidated, even with a partner. Others see it and can move in. To feel there could never be a threat regardless of personal investment and behavior is unrealistic. To then take the position that the person would have to be trash to cheat on someone as fabulous as oneself is just more of that imaginary, irresponsible worldview.
    To be concerned about your partner cheating isn't always realistic though, for a number of reasons I can't see my partner ever taking that route, that doesn't take away a need to ensure that their needs are being met. Any serious relationship should involve constantly checking to see where your partner is at, understanding how they're feeling about things, their concerns and such. Someone who pays no attention to their mate isn't someone I would view as really in that relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Apathy - to be with a partner and simultaneously okay with the loss of that partner can imply a half investment in the relationship. A person might not feel jealousy because inside they aren't entirely invested or sure they want the responsibility of the relationship, but they also don't want to initiate change. In this way the relationship might continue or end without investment. This offers a way to somewhat enjoy the moments in the relationship but with minimal risk to self. Just don't get too attached and then there are no hassles of jealousy or hurt.
    Absolutely.

    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Denial - one can also live in a rosey world where any behavior or situation is free of threat and problem. There is no reason for jealousy because we have a perfect trusting relationship that is above and beyond those selfish problems. There is never a reason for a threat because love transcends everything and trust is bliss.
    Yes and no, looking at things through a rosy perspective is fine, so long as if/when reality hits it's faced. Maybe I have a rosy perspective to trust my parter entirely but that doesn't mean that if I had reason to doubt I would refuse to face it. I prefer to face life from an optimistic, trusting pov is all. I give trust until I have reason to doubt.

    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Every relationship can deteriorate if taken for granted.
    Absolutely. And that's exactly when you'll have issues.

    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    My question for the non-jealous types is how do you deal with it when there is a threat to the relationship? What about when you have been away for work for a year? Or when you have played golf every weekend for five years and haven't realized that your partner feels isolated and alone? What about the presumption that can take place that blinds people to their partner's emotional needs that someone else starts filling? How do you react when that partner tells you they feel isolated and others are paying attention which is confusing them? No jealousy? Then when it all falls apart it becomes easy to blame the estranged partner as being worthless because you "trusted" them and look at what a horrible person they turned out to be, etc.
    My answer as a generally non-jealous type is a relationship is a partnership, one cannot survive in one without investing and opening themselves up to the other, if there isn't open and honest communication that's when jealousy becomes an issue in my mind. If there is neglect then it means communication has deteriorated, it's no longer a partnership it's just someone you're with because it's easier to remain together then face issues and potentially rock the boat and maybe part ways. It's complacency and it's not showing love. In that situation the issue isn't the lack of jealousy, it's the lack of communication and investment that is being put forward. It is way too easy to take a partner for granted, especially as the time you've been together mounts up, they become familiar and the effort you each put in can slip, but it's still not a reason that non-jealousy is an issue.

    I definitely see an issue in a relationship if my partner saw lack of jealousy as a sign of lack of investment but I would hope if they were insecure about where they stood in my eyes that blunt communication would let them know, I'm very much a "if you don't understand something, ask me" kinda person.

    In all the scenarios you put forward by answer is talk to your partner and make sure both sides are understood.

  9. #169
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    What about Facebook?
    facebook is so creepy that I don't post anything of importance on it if he sees my joking back and forth with my aunt showing up on his live feed, that's not a problem... it's my fault for using facebook... to look at my e-mails and phone records is MUCH more invasive... things there aren't meant to be public like facebook is

    it's not that I'm scared of what he'd find, it's merely the principle of invaded privacy that disturbs me
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  10. #170
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Smile Trust me.

    C'mon, when they say, "Trust me", what do you think?

    For 'trust me' is the mantra of the confidence trickster.

    No, rather than falling for the confidence trickster, we seek empirical evidence.

    And just as we seek empirical evidence in paternity testing, we seek empirical evidence in random double blind tests for personality tests.

    But guess what - no random double blind test has been done on MBTI for seventy years - imagine that!

    So when they say in a honeyed voice, "Trust me", do you trust them or seek empirical evidence?

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