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View Poll Results: When I see jealousy in my partner, it is generally a...

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  • xNTP: positive thing/something I can appreciate/like when displayed/sign of commitment

    4 14.29%
  • xNTP: negative thing/something I don't appreciate/dislike when displayed/sign of problems

    7 25.00%
  • xNTJ: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xNTJ: negative thing...

    1 3.57%
  • xNFP: positive thing...

    2 7.14%
  • xNFP: negative thing...

    4 14.29%
  • xNFJ: positive thing...

    4 14.29%
  • xNFJ: negative thing...

    3 10.71%
  • xSTP: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTP: negative thing...

    2 7.14%
  • xSFP: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSFP: negative thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTJ: positive thing...

    0 0%
  • xSTJ: negative thing...

    0 0%
  • xSFJ: positive thing...

    1 3.57%
  • xSFJ: negative thing...

    0 0%
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  1. #91
    Member Tradewind's Avatar
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    I actually agree with YourLocalJesus on his first point.

    It would make sense to also feel hate towards someone you love. You would hate to lose them or hate to have them as an enemy. You hate how vulnerable and exposed they make you feel but want that at the same time. And of course what you share is special so you become jealous when a threat to what you have enters into the equation.

    When I deeply care for someone there is a whole melting pot of emotions underneath it all. But, people like this are few and far between.
    Stupid as a man, say the women: cowardly as a woman, say the men. Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Dogs never bite me. Just humans.
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    The tongue like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood.
    Buddha

  2. #92
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Jealousy shows you care about yourself in that it reflects a concern about being cared for by someone else, and are attached to a person who you hope will meet your needs. I don't think it has anything to do with love for that someone else.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  3. #93
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I don't think jealousy is a sign that you care. It is more a sign of insecurity in oneself or the relationship or a sign of control issues.

    I say this as someone who sometimes struggles with feelings of jealousy. It doesn't mean I care and it doesn't mean I don't care/distrust my partner. It means I have abandonment issues that I haven't completely overcome.
    Yes. Jealousy is preemptive grief. It serves a purpose: to prevent the loss coming to pass by intervening in the situation. When the threat is real, it is a sound reaction; when there is no threat, it is pathological and damaging to a relationship.

    I can't understand possessiveness and won't tolerate it in myself or others. It doesn't make me feel secure, it makes me feel claustrophobic. No one gets to "own" me, and I don't want to own anyone else.
    I have been horribly jealous once and I hated myself for it. When I understood that's what I was feeling (INTP - takes a while), and the reason why, I got out. In that sense, it's a useful emotion, but no, it doesn't show you care.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  4. #94
    I drink your milkshake. Thessaly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charmed Justice View Post
    Jealousy shows you care about yourself in that it reflects a concern about being cared for by someone else, and are attached to a person who you hope will meet your needs. I don't think it has anything to do with love for that someone else.
    Sure it has to do with love for someone else. It's just not the most emotionally mature manifestation of it.
    With dreamers, pure and simple, the imagination remains a vaguely sketched inner affair. It is not embodied in any aesthetic or practical invention. Reverie is the equivalent of weak desires. Dreamers are the aboulics of the creative imagination.

  5. #95
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thessaly View Post
    Sure it has to do with love for someone else. It's just not the most emotionally mature manifestation of it.
    Love is the supreme manifestation of emotional maturity.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  6. #96
    Cat Wench ReadingRainbows's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charmed Justice View Post
    Love is the supreme manifestation of emotional maturity.
    Selfless Love
    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    St. Stephen took rocks and St. Sebastian took arrows. You only have to take some jerks on an internet forum. Nut up.

  7. #97
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charmed Justice View Post
    Jealousy shows you care about yourself in that it reflects a concern about being cared for by someone else, and are attached to a person who you hope will meet your needs. I don't think it has anything to do with love for that someone else.
    There are many reasons why a person could become jealous, so I don't think you can say that it is always motivated by a love of self and has nothing to do with the other.

  8. #98
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    (uggh, just lost my post -- oh well, here goes another shot)

    Sticking just with the OP right here (although I'd like to see responses to Toonia's stuff!), I think a little bit of jealousy shows some sort of connection, and indifference is not necessarily good. If someone matters to you, their absence will feel like a loss to some degree. And jealousy seems to me to be tied to a sense of loss or, maybe more realistically, a fear of future loss.

    I miss my kids when I am not with them because I love them, and I can be jealous if they spend all their time with their friends. And when I'm in a committed relationship, I miss my SO when they're not present... and if they consistently choose something other than me as the object of their affections, I'm going to feel jealousy on some level ... even if I can rationalize it and understand that what they are doing at the time is necessary. I firmly believe everyone should have the choice to come and go as they please in a relationship, you can't force someone to be with you or do what you want; but at the same time, I am not obligated to give more of my heart to someone than what part of their heart they give to me. So while you cannot shackle someone to your side, you can offer stipulations of what you're willing to invest and what you expect in return, and negotiate the expectations of the relationship.

    Like Marm says, it's not necessarily the feeling but the behavior that is right or wrong. You can either respond to jealousy to control someone else or you can choose to free them and free yourself. I also think being apart is not a bad thing, because it gives both partners things to bring back to the table. I might have missed my kids when they went to school all day or went away for a week to camp or to visit friends, but it was enriching to the relationship when they brought back new ideas and experiences to share.

    After ending a relationship recently, I was sort of surprised to experience jealousy when my ex told me about things he was doing with mutual friends of ours who happen to live closer to him than to me. Yet, at the same time, I was happy he was finding ways to fill his time and other relationships to be involved in, instead of floundering and feeling alone. I saw my feelings as more of a positive, since it meant I did actually care about him, missed him when he was gone, and valued what we had together even if we'd ended it. (Did I tell him about how I felt? No. I figured it was just something I needed to deal with right now.)
    I can agree with all of this. I guess for me, it's a sign for myself that I really care about someone, that I actually am invested in them and not indifferent. I'm sort of used to feeling fairly indifferent, so it's nice to have people to really care about.

    Building on what Jennifer says, the twinge of jealousy, if experienced often (like when an SO chooses time and again to do something that takes them away from the relationship without making an effort to spend time with me) can be a sign that something is kind of unacceptable and needs fixing. I am secure enough to be away from my SO, but because of my fiercely independent streak, if I feel like I am being neglected, there's a good chance I am. It's nothing more than a reasonable need not being met.
    Something Witty

  9. #99
    I drink your milkshake. Thessaly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charmed Justice View Post
    Love is the supreme manifestation of emotional maturity.
    I stated jealousy has something to do with love and that is all I meant by that. We all succumb to more primitive emotions from time to time no matter how evolved we become. We are merely animals with brain power.
    With dreamers, pure and simple, the imagination remains a vaguely sketched inner affair. It is not embodied in any aesthetic or practical invention. Reverie is the equivalent of weak desires. Dreamers are the aboulics of the creative imagination.

  10. #100
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thessaly View Post
    I stated jealousy has something to do with love and that is all I meant by that. We all succumb to more primitive emotions from time to time no matter how evolved we become. We are merely animals with brain power.
    It doesn't have anything to do with love. Any more than domestic violence does.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

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