User Tag List

First 12345 Last

Results 21 to 30 of 69

Thread: Anger

  1. #21
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    I never knew well how to harness anger or when to express it.

    Normally I just buried it until it would build up and explode. So essentially the anger I was experiencing might have been justified from a long pattern of violation that I was experiencing, but my expression of it was not (it usually seemed to come out of the blue to outside observers).

    Sometimes now I allow myself to express anger when I don't have to. I'm not sure all the time that it is right (because I really monitor my behavior and try hard to kind and calm to avoid hurting others).

    For example, I snapped at someone in my blog today, but it was a conscious choice: I wanted to let them know the impact on me of their comments, which I felt were inappropriate for the conversation we were having. And I felt their comments were deserving of an angry response, in order to reaffirm the boundaries of what I am willing to accept. But I'm still not sure if I should have or not, because I was choosing to allow anger to be expressed rather than being able to say I couldn't help myself. So obviously I still have an anger issue: Emotionally I still assume that anger shouldn't be expressed if you can control it, which intellectually I don't think that is correct.

    After I choose to express anger, I always wonder if I should have, or should I have simply controlled it and not expressed it. I don't know.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  2. #22
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    ENTJ
    Posts
    880

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    After I choose to express anger, I always wonder if I should have, or should I have simply controlled it and not expressed it. I don't know.
    I think I know how you feel because I've been through similar dilemnas. I have wondered "was it warranted to show anger or should have exercized self-control?". I think it's a difficult decision that really relies on our personal sense of morality and right/wrong. IMO all action is influenced by values. When we choose to act, we commit to an idea or belief. This is one of the reasons I believe some NT's, and in particular INTP's, may be reluctant to act because they wish to remain objective and commit to a subjectivity through action.

    I have usually found that accepting the fact that, regardless of right or wrong, my angry feelings are valid as they are has been very helpful. I have found that simply telling people that I am angry about what they did and disagree, while trying my best to stay respectful, has been very positive in enhancing my relationships with others.

    For example, one of my friends recently did something that I did not agree with at all which involved me directly. I decided to talk to him immediately and tell him what I thought. I stated my point of view calmly without blaming him. It came out very well and he actually thanked me for being honest and apologized. I think we both ended up respecting each other more after our conversation. Such progress would not have been possible without the acknowledgement of my anger and expression of it.

  3. #23
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    MBTI
    GONE
    Posts
    9,051

    Default

    I think a lot of people fear anger or rather the destructive capabilities of anger. And especially the social ramifications. If you grow up seeing people go nuts all the time or mix up/associate anger with hostility and negative outcomes, it will DEFINITELY create a bottleneck for you.

    I think the most important step towards expressing anger and any emotion in healthy constructive ways is understanding again that anger itself is not wrong or destructive. Anger can fuel change and correction and reflection.

    I think it's much easier for most people to say "I don't like this" or even "stop" when they have absolutely no emotional attachment or investment in something. When you're angry, suddenly you don't want to say what you have to say anymore. You get scared for the reasons mentioned above.

    It's one thing to analyze things after the fact, but second-guessing yourself to the point you prevent yourself from expressing something is a problem. I firmly believe it holds you back from self-realization and also growth in relationships.

    Especially because in many situations, timing of expression is very important. Sometimes it's fine to wait until a 'more appropriate time' to express why something made you mad, but sometimes it's put up or shut up. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

    And I personally would much rather have been true to myself and said my peace and let the pieces fall where they may than sacrifice my own emotional health. Angry people die sooner. Seriously. Holding onto anger is not healthy. It's true that some people have serious anger issues and not being able to express anger is not the problem. But Toonia, you seem like an extremely contemplative and calm person so I don't think you're at risk for turning into one of those dish breaking hysterical crazy caricatures of 'angry women'.

    For myself, I have taught myself to put up or shut up. If I don't speak my peace and have no intention to, I let it go.

    And I forgive myself and give myself permission and make peace with the consequences BEFORE the fact to be me and say what I need to say how I want to say it.

    Trust me, it's MUCH nicer to your central nervous system and sense of well-being.

  4. #24
    Scream down the boulevard LadyJaye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w6 so/sx
    Posts
    2,077

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Toonia --

    I'm beginning to wonder if anger is a particularly uncomfortable area for NFJs, esp the Is. There are several INFJs of my acquaintance who seem to gulp anger (out of a sense of guilt? loss of control?) until they get sick or explode. I do something similar, only I reach critical mass MUCH faster. My ignition point is reached more quickly, and I erupt.

    I don't know about anyone else, but if I haven't been allowed to take all the time I require to process through a particular emotion (or thought), I can become VERY hostile. I hate it when people (even well-meaning ones) attempt to guilt/talk me out of a feeling I'm having. It makes me feel marginalized, further adding to the anger. My ENFP sister seems to be able to process her feelings more quickly, whereas I require a lot more time. I take this as a reflection of temperament, not "wallowing".

    I think anger can be very constructive and shouldn't be feared when it is. Out of control plate-throwing is another animal altogether.

    Perhaps we fear the ramifications of our anger because we've been conditioned to "play nice", even when we know that the instinct to give SoandSo a haymaker is the correct one. I agree that you need more time to process your feelings, especially when you're angry. (Since feeling is your primary function, it's probably like someone piddling directly in your Wheaties.) But strangely, I think I have more of a temper than you do.

  5. #25
    Member lbloom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    83

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Geoff View Post
    I don't seem to possess it. I suppose this is classic INTP territory.. often without a temper until really really pushed.. which perhaps I very rarely am. In any case, I don't seem to get angry or feel anything more than frustration. Just once in a while I suffer from unbidden shouting in my head.. like testosterone screaming at me, but I'm good at ignoring it.

    I don't think I am in any kind of denial, because I have low anxiety and don't believe I have any issues to work out. *shrug*.

    -Geoff
    +1.

    I've felt lots of stuff, but I can't recall real anger. I can get irritated and snap back to let other people know about increasing intrusion, but that's very different.

  6. #26
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Posts
    7,233

    Default

    Lots of good stuff in this thread.

    I've noticed a few things about anger.

    1. It usually evolves from hurt.
    2. If I don't acknowledge it, I feel even worse. I think the reason has less to do with acknowledging/expressing and more to do with feeling ashamed for being hurt, as if there's something wrong with me.
    3. Letting anger exist is good, but expressing the pain that underlies it is even better. When you express that pain, you make it clear to yourself that it's okay to feel that way. I think the worst part of pain is feeling ashamed for having it. Releasing that shame is paramount.
    4. I've found peace of mind in depression (which I get when I feel physically ill, around once or twice a year) by allowing myself to feel whatever I'm feeling, quietly and gently. It's actually been one of the best experiences I've had yet (and quite recently). I would imagine the same peace of mind can exist with anger or anxiety, by giving up on trying to change it and coming to the understanding that there's nothing to be ashamed of in the experience you're having.

  7. #27
    RDF
    Guest

    Default

    One thing I'm noticing in the posts: People are using vague verbs (I "process" my anger, I "acknowledge" my anger, etc.) to describe what they do with their anger without really explaining what the process actually entails.

    For example, I'm kind of a rage-aholic in private but cool, calm, and collected in public. I'm an ex-Marine, so it's no big deal at all for me to let go of 8 or 10 paint-blistering expletives in quick succession. But I don't want others to see that; I'm in a middle management position at work, and I'm the one who is supposed to keep my head when others are losing theirs. So I basically "claim" the anger by releasing a little blast of it in private or mentally; expressing it that way gives me a little emotional release valve and also serves as a way for me to measure my mood or "take my temperature"--I can see just how riled something has gotten me by seeing how much internal raging I do. Then, having gotten the immediate irritation out of my system, I calm down and move onto the next step and figure out how to do something constructive to resolve the situation.

    Example: Let's say I'm already in a bit of a foul mood, I'm in a hurry to type up something, and I make a typo that loses me a few seconds. So I let out a couple choice expletives under my breath. But then if the release of irritation and expletives seem excessive or takes even longer than correcting the typos would have taken, I may then break into laughter at myself. Anger and laughter are never that far apart with me. The angrier I get, the quicker I am to release it, and the sooner I can realize how ridiculous I'm being and have a good laugh at myself. Then, with my mood shifted a bit, I can unwind and start thinking constructively or just realize that I need to chill out and not be in such a hurry if I'm letting petty things get to me to that extent.

    So I'm quick to express, but also quick to get past it. The key is to watch when and how I "express"--it can be a little devastating if someone gets in the way and bears the brunt of it. Around others, I bite my tongue and either do the exercise mentally or put the anger on hold until I'm alone.

    I rarely get depressed. Depression to me is a sign that I'm bottling up some anger. So if I start feeling defeated and depressed, I'll take a break, seclude myself, and rage at the walls and skies like some Shakespearian tragic hero. At some point, I'll figure out what's eating at me, and then I can think constructively and figure out where I want to go from there. Also, a good hard work-out at the gym helps.

    So I figure a good expression of anger is healthy within limits. I get it out of my system and simultaneously "take my temperature"--see how much something's bugging me, see if my anger is appropriate to the cause or is way out of line with the cause (in which case maybe I need to parse what's actually bugging me, etc.), and so on.

    My wife's the kind of person who denies her anger, bottles things up, and then gets irritable and obsessive. So I encourage her to get angry, rant a bit, and then seek the cause of the anger and/or try to figure out constructive ways to deal with the situation once she has properly gotten the measure of her irritation with the situation.

    Again, I'm careful about letting others see how angry I am or about going into the kind of destructive rage that entails smashing things. If I'm getting to that point, that's a sign that it's time to just start laughing and give up for a bit--return to it later when I'm a little clearer. The only time I'll really let someone see how angry I'm getting is when I absolutely have to blow through someone's obstructive attitude and I want to tap into a little genuine anger and show them how important the issue is to me. But that can be a real balancing act--expressing anger without permanently burning bridges. In most cases, it's better to get the anger out and over with in private, and then figure out constructive solutions that I can bring to the other person in a cooperative mode or vein.

    Also, I keep in mind that anger and humor aren't that far apart from each other. I watch myself a bit as I rage in private, partly to "take my temperature" and divine how much I'm really bugged by something, and partly so that I can spot that point where it's getting ridiculous and it's time to just stop and have a good laugh at myself. That's the best kind of anger--the anger that ends in laughter. It's a reminder that my anger isn't the center of the universe and that my outward actions needn't be guided by it. The anger passes, and I move on to humor and/or a constructive approach to addressing the problem.

    [Edit:] I view anger as a transitional phase on the way to somewhere else. I may pass through that stage quickly (in mere seconds) or slowly, but it's never the end destination. There are always healthier, more constructive end destinations to seek after indulging a little anger.

  8. #28
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    961

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    That's the best kind of anger--the anger that ends in laughter.

    Agreed.
    -
    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    How do you process anger? How do you know when it is justified, or when it is indulgence?
    If I'm angry it's justified by my being angry and I do indulge in it. I like being angry, it's invigorating.

    When I'm angry I get a strong craving for violence. Since I cannot and will not do anything to anyone I usually do push-ups, sit-ups and squats until I can barely move then I crank up the metal and play Quake.

  9. #29
    RDF
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sassafrassquatch View Post
    [Image]
    Agreed.
    Yep. Villains in horror and action films are often portrayed as having a lively (if sadistic) sense of humor.

    Conversely, comedies often contain a lot of anger and violence: a pratfall, a frying pan to the head, a kick in the groin, an inventive underdog get his hilarious revenge on a sadistic boss, etc.

    I think it helps put anger (and humor) in perspective. Anger isn't all bad. It's part of the human condition. Just be careful where you aim it. Remember that it's a blunt instrument, not a finely-tuned surgical tool.

  10. #30
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Posts
    7,233

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    One thing I'm noticing in the posts: People are using vague verbs (I "process" my anger, I "acknowledge" my anger, etc.) to describe what they do with their anger without really explaining what the process actually entails.
    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    So I basically "claim" the anger...
    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    and also serves as a way for me to measure my mood or "take my temperature"...
    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    The key is to watch when and how I "express"...
    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    I get it out of my system and simultaneously "take my temperature"
    Kind of ironic, no?

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] INFJs - anger and upset?
    By Eileen in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 70
    Last Post: 05-06-2015, 09:28 AM
  2. [INTJ] INTJ Anger
    By Metanoia in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 94
    Last Post: 12-29-2010, 02:30 PM
  3. [INTP] INTPs & Anger
    By Martoon in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 66
    Last Post: 09-05-2008, 10:58 PM
  4. Relationship b/w Anger & Sadness
    By ThatsWhatHeSaid in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 07-24-2008, 10:13 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO