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People who refuse to change their unhappy situations.

GIjade

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Dec 19, 2015
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618
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And, though I was going to post this in the rant thread, there are people who have no control over many things because they are perhaps autistic. There is no medication or therapy for autism. People who have Asperger syndrome are soooooo misunderstood and some (actually a lot) of the people on this forum seem to think that everyone should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get over it, become a better person, change their lives, etc. That is absolutely impossible for some people. Got that, you holier than thou critics? :mad:
 

Frosty

Poking the poodle
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Sometimes people are just afraid I think. Even if things are awful... they are familiar. This means that they dont have to risk being disappointed if their acts to change dont work- and they can stay stuck in a victim mentality that validates all their negative feelings.

I know with certain people in my life... well even though they are miserable they wont change- because they havent hit rock bottom yet. Things are still tolerable even if they arent ideal. It takes a lot of well... effort to make real changes- and I think most people arent willing to face those parts of them they dont like until they HAVE to. Which sucks because maybe if theyd looked earlier things wouldnt be so hard to face
 

Stigmata

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I have no patience for people who continually complain to about the same things that continue to bother them overtime, yet put forth no effort to actually change the situation -- My compassion can quickly turn to criticism.
 

Maou

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I think most people like this are very aware they are the problem, they just are not ready to change yet. It is very difficult to accept you need to change to advanced to begin with.

I personally have hated this mindset, because I have been in worse situations and have changed those to be better. While these people have a pretty easy to change situation, but don't bother. You can really only help those who help themselves first.
 

Mole

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Mar 20, 2008
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20,284
Yes, rather than changing ourselves (a daunting proposition), we prefer to blame others. Why, some of us get married to have someone to blame, or we can keep on blaming our parents forever.

An alternative to blaming our spouse or our parents, is to recognise we probably won't be successful in changing ourself alone, so w might seek out a good therapist to help us change.
 

LucieCat

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It's sad when people get stuck in the loop. Sad, but annoying. Maybe a person will not be successful in changing anything, but they should at least try.
 

prplchknz

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Sometimes they just don't know how and all the advice they get and try is crap.
 

Tilt

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It can take years but people can change.
 

Norexan

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True friends are recognized when you are in trouble with yourself. ;)
 

Luminous

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Sometimes they just don't know how and all the advice they get and try is crap.

Yes!

Sometimes situations are extremely complex. Pull one strand, change one thing, and many others move with it. Sometimes the situation is unhappy, but there's no obvious way to change it, or changing it in any way might just make it worse. Sometimes you try to change it, but it won't change with any ways you think to try. Sometimes you'd have to revamp your entire life to change it.
 

prplchknz

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Yes!

Sometimes situations are extremely complex. Pull one strand, change one thing, and many others move with it. Sometimes the situation is unhappy, but there's no obvious way to change it, or changing it in any way might just make it worse. Sometimes you try to change it, but it won't change with any ways you think to try. Sometimes you'd have to revamp your entire life to change it.

Exactly and no one's perfect. Yet people expect magic. When if they were told to change wouldn't so then they're assholes. I dunno.
 

Connoisseur

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When one comes to terms with their perceived powerlessness to change things, due to past failures, and wrongfully assumes that nothing can be done, since they're not <trait> enough. Also, when people get overwhelmed by all the things that have to be done.
 

lauranna

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It is the most frustrating trait I find in others.

"Oh I wish I could do what you did"

You could if you weren't so afraid. The only difference between us is that I am not afraid to take risks/make changes.

As I get older I have so literal tolerance for people who continually whinge about their shitty life situation yet still make no attempt to change it. (my mother is one of the worst for it.)
 

The Cat

Just a Cat who hangs out at the Crossroads
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Playin' a fools game hopin' to win;
and tellin' those sweet lies and losin' again.
I was lookin' for logic in all the wrong places,
Lookin' for logic in too many faces,
searchin' their eyes and lookin' for traces
of what I'm dreamin' of.


Feral humans are feral for a reason.
 

rav3n

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Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
Look into the Karpman Drama Triangle. You see it play out daily. The victim has the most power.

How To Escape The Dreaded Drama Triangle

The Victim sees life as happening to them and feels powerless to change their circumstances. Victims place blame on a Persecutor who can be a person or a situation. Being powerless, the victim ostensibly seeks a rescuer to solve the problem for them. Victims also have a sneaky interest in validating their problem as being unsolvable.
 

The Cat

Just a Cat who hangs out at the Crossroads
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The bird once asked the fish: Why do you fly down there?
To which the fish replied: Why do you swim up there?
 

Abcdenfp

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If you want something and don't get it, there are only two reasons. You either really didn't want it, or you tried to bargain over the price.

Rudyard Kipling

i think people feel hopeless over circumstances a lot of the time.

its like they look at it as too much.. as an optimist i used to think this was ridiculous just try HARDER!

But as more and more difficulties fell on me recently i really have compassion for how overwhelming it can feel to change your circumstances.

For myself personally but the part of me that is defiant still wont let up.

I had this dream the other day where i was trying to climb up a crumbling hill and i was so angry but determined and as pieces of the rock crumbled in my hand i felt like what's the point but i persisted and at the end i grasped a fox medallion and i knew i had succeeded in what ever it was my mind was trying to allude to.
 

Yuurei

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Oh to be so entitled.

I’ve been in situations where things truly were beyond my control. I am currently quite tired of my grandmother condescendingly lecturing me that I “ Have a choice to make.”
Biiiitch, if I had the means to live on my own, or even knees which worked well enough for the transient life-style, I’d have left long ago. You gonna let me live at your place? You gonna force someone to give my broken ass a job with enough money to pay rent and keep my insurance? Yea, thought so. Keep it to yourself then.

From this perspective of mine it is extremely baffling that there are so many people who’s only obstacle between them and a better life is a lack of will power. I really think that i5 must be connected to some sort of mental illness.

Not just depression and the other common ones more like a sort of neurotic fear of failure.
 

Lexicon

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Generally comes down to strong external locus of control, learned helplessness due to a host of complex factors that vary per individual (bio/psycho/social elements, conditioning, maladaptive thought/behavior patterns that lead to negative or otherwise distorted appraisal of self, abilities, etc— which perpetuates the underlying sense of powerlessness).

A great read (link below). Keep scrolling— if you click ‘read chapter’ — you’ll hit paywalls. Free is sufficient.
Learn more about Learned Helplessness



Additional potentially useful info:

Locus of control (ultra-basic) infographic-thing:







And, all this said — when evaluating others this way, we must also consider our own blind spots, such as actor-observer bias, for instance, which I’ll explain with a picture [of other people’s text] for the sake of my own laziness right now:




We never really know how complicated another’s circumstances are/how things actually fit together— we’ll speculate, sure— but we can’t be certain we have all of the available facts. We might even make a reasonable enough assessment, but it’s important to look at ourselves, too.







Loads of different mental tightropes to walk when it comes to understanding why humans do what they do or how they personally operate, and how we view and regulate ourselves. How we all grow or stand still. What obstacles may exist and the best ways to overcome them.

As there is no One-Size-Fits-All Answer Net waiting below this intra/interpersonal highwire circus act, it’s best to tread with care.
 

Lark

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Jun 21, 2009
Messages
29,569
I do like Martin Seligman's books, his skepticism about all talking cure psychotherapies and even some pharmaceutical therapies always seemed balanced, his later day embrace of the whole positive psychology scene less so.

There are other theorists who sought to inform people about how much of their misery could be created by contexts or structural injustice that was unlikely to change, despite best efforts, I always liked them. The "its not your fault" and "it didnt start with you" messages can be useful sometimes, especially if an individual has internalised more of the self-reproachful social attitudes than could be apparent at first impressions.

There are jerks who take advantage though and priority for help ought to be people who're already trying to help themselves, I think most people know that though.
 
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