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  1. #21

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    I guess the mindset goes my unhappiness and hate gives me meaning. Separates me and gives me my identity apart from people. I have something that defines me, no matter how bad it is.

  2. #22
    Sniffles
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    In her case, she's not dumb...
    And changing jobs is not rocket science.
    She doesn't have to be dumb to be in that kind of predicament. And the question she could be asking where else would she go? What kind of kind and where? If she's overwhelmed and miserable with her current job, that may make it more difficult for her to think through this stuff with a clear head.

  3. #23
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    This, precisely- is what I do not understand.
    There is rarely an odd situation with these people. From my perspective, it's like someone who thinks they have a broken leg or wants to have a broken leg so that they don't need to run a marathon. In this situation, it looks like the worst thing to do is comfort them and support them, as they have been sitting in their comfort zone for so long. People crawl out of bad situations and ruts all the time. There is no obstacle in picking up an application or just doing the one simple thing that's going to make the change. To me it all looks so helpless and lazy from people who don't necessarily have sincerely helpless situations.

    In the case of my above friend, the first person who responded was, "I agree- it's terrible what working with the "public" will do to you." That's a comforting statement that won't get either of them anywhere. As if "working with the public" caused all of the problems to begin with. No ownership whatsoever.
    Exactly, from your perspective it seems easy, but your perspective is limited to the surface. Your perspective does not see fears, insecurities & wounds deeply rooted from past experience. The biggest obstacles are not physical - they're emotional and psychological.

    Whose says that comfort means coddling them or removing responsibility anyway? You can make an effort to understand why someone feels & acts in a certain way without condoning it as a good course of action or mindset. To understand does not mean to agree.

    The idea is to get someone to trust you to open up, so you can see the real issue and then maybe actually be able to offer advice that is helpful or help them begin to change their thought process. To do that, you have to show you are on their side, and not going to just criticize them & write off their feelings with obvious advice. Asking questions & listening is really all that is required - it comforts by simply taking an interest in them, which communicates that you value them which builds confidence, and it encourages them to think things through to work towards a solution. You serve as a sort of thought prompt for them to come to their own conclusions, as opposed to dictating ideas.

    It seems clear you are fed up with this person & consider her a lost cause, in which case, maybe it's time to sever the ties. You're both dragging each other down otherwise.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  4. #24
    Sniffles
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Exactly, from your perspective it seems easy, but your perspective is limited to the surface. Your perspective does not see fears, insecurities & wounds deeply rooted from past experience. The biggest obstacles are not physical - they're emotional and psychological.

    Whose says that comfort means coddling them or removing responsibility anyway? You can make an effort to understand why someone feels & acts in a certain way without condoning it as a good course of action or mindset. To understand does not mean to agree.

    The idea is to get someone to trust you to open up, so you can see the real issue and then maybe actually be able to offer advice that is helpful or help them begin to change their thought process. To do that, you have to show you are on their side, and not going to just criticize them & write off their feelings with obvious advice. Asking questions & listening is really all that is required - it comforts by simply taking an interest in them, which communicates that you value them which builds confidence, and it encourages them to think things through to work towards a solution. You serve as a sort of thought prompt for them to come to their own conclusions, as opposed to dictating ideas.

    It seems clear you are fed up with this person & consider her a lost cause, in which case, maybe it's time to sever the ties. You're both dragging each other down otherwise.
    You said it better than I could. +1!

  5. #25
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Exactly, from your perspective it seems easy, but your perspective is limited to the surface. Your perspective does not see fears, insecurities & wounds deeply rooted from past experience. The biggest obstacles are not physical - they're emotional and psychological.

    Whose says that comfort means coddling them or removing responsibility anyway? You can make an effort to understand why someone feels & acts in a certain way without condoning it as a good course of action or mindset. To understand does not mean to agree.

    The idea is to get someone to trust you to open up, so you can see the real issue and then maybe actually be able to offer advice that is helpful or help them begin to change their thought process. To do that, you have to show you are on their side, and not going to just criticize them & write off their feelings with obvious advice. Asking questions & listening is really all that is required - it comforts by simply taking an interest in them, which communicates that you value them which builds confidence, and it encourages them to think things through to work towards a solution. You serve as a sort of thought prompt for them to come to their own conclusions, as opposed to dictating ideas.

    It seems clear you are fed up with this person & consider her a lost cause, in which case, maybe it's time to sever the ties. You're both dragging each other down otherwise.
    Actually, ties already have been severed. I will not understand where she is coming from and have been supportive and understanding through her life until I moved away and started my own life. Now she still remains a friend. Being that I grew up with her as her closest friend, I know almost every detail of her life. There's nothing there to stop her from being happy except apparent weakness. Being some kind of a magnet for these folks, she's not the only one I've seen or heard about that does this.

    I'm kind of looking for more answers about the mindset- like Wolfy's above. What brings people to these sad conclusions about their lives?
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
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    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
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  6. #26
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Also depends on if they are actually unhappy in their situation. A situation that would be unhappy for you doesn't need to be unhappy for another.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    Yes, ISFJ- great guess.
    I have a lot I could say about the topic in general, being one of those "stuck" people for so many years myself... but as soon as you head into ISFJ territory, now you have someone who values duty, responsibility, and keeping things the same.

    ISFJs tend to feel a lot of responsibility for situations and people. They often operate under the "should" rule, not the "what is possible" rule. It doesn't matter if it makes sense, it doesn't matter if it hurts, it doesn't matter if you're miserable; if there is a "should" involved, they'll refuse to budge.

    I don't know how much of that is playing into it, but it could be part of it. I think it's easy for ISFJs to stay in bad relationships out of a sense of duty.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft
    Likes Hawthorne liked this post

  8. #28
    Senior Member KDude's Avatar
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    life is too short to spend solely with cats, but also too short to be all dismayed about other people not being "rockstar achievers" or something.

  9. #29
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I have a lot I could say about the topic in general, being one of those "stuck" people for so many years myself... but as soon as you head into ISFJ territory, now you have someone who values duty, responsibility, and keeping things the same.

    ISFJs tend to feel a lot of responsibility for situations and people. They often operate under the "should" rule, not the "what is possible" rule. It doesn't matter if it makes sense, it doesn't matter if it hurts, it doesn't matter if you're miserable; if there is a "should" involved, they'll refuse to budge.

    I don't know how much of that is playing into it, but it could be part of it. I think it's easy for ISFJs to stay in bad relationships out of a sense of duty.
    Hmm.. That sounds like it makes a lot of sense...
    Do enlighten me about your experience though- I'm not talking about ISFJ's alone, I'm talking about all of these people.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

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  10. #30
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KDude View Post
    life is too short to spend solely with cats, but also too short to be all dismayed about other people not being "rockstar achievers" or something.
    No one's dismayed. And you don't have to be a "rockstar achiever" to be happy
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

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