im pretty clueless about the subject, so i thought id write about it.
i may not know what kind of behavior/how you do things is ok for other people, for example when i was working and someone told me to do something i was really unsure about what kind of quality was expected for the job, how much time i should be using for doing the task and how much time i should use for single thing(more time used -> better quality) if there is many things to do in the task etc. also i was pretty much all the time worried about if i am a good worker, since i was pretty clueless about if i work by the standards of boss. it wasnt like i thought i was a crappy worker and i had to do my best all the time, i was just unsure if i meet the expectations of the boss so i tried to look reasonably good or atleast descent worker in his eyes(and i pretty much suck at this too). i didnt do any ass kissing or stuff like that, but tried to look like im working hard.
generally speaking, i may not know what kind of interaction(and what i can say) is allowed with new people. im afraid that i cross some boundaries that i know is there, but i cant see where they are. and afraid that if i cross some boundary he or she may back off and since i wont know what boundary i crossed i wont understand why s/he is taking distance and this will get me to be even more careful with his or hers boundaries. the weird thing about this is that i know that i should just act freely like myself and people would most likely like me more, but if i let go i feel like i need to let go fully or i start to analyze too much again and if i let go fully i would scare most people away in a second. also i have a tendency to not act if im not sure how to act(this effects pretty much every time im unsure about anything), that and starting to analyze everything too much leads me to shut up and not do much around new people. i hate this because i cant get to know people much and if i have a romantic interest to someone, this fear is multiplied by thousand. and the most frustrating thing about this is that i feel like i can make pretty good observations about people and kind of get to know them in some levels pretty well, but they wont know me nearly at all or they will have distorted view about me(and this is also something im bit paranoid about).
when im drunk enough i can let go easier, but i need to be really drunk so i will act like an idiot many times. usually i meet new people when i am drunk(in parties etc) and i might only see them when im drunk for some time. im afraid that this will give false image of me to others, since im usually either pretty quiet, i dont sosialize much with new people, if im drunk enough to let go of this analyzing i wont be able to connect in intellectual levels much(not to mention that humor may not be easy to produce). so when i do interact with new people i might come off very differently than i act around old friends.
also i have hard time of knowing when i should start talking in a group and when i finally see a good spot to say what i was thinking about it, the subject has most likely changed its course and i will be unsure if i should say it anymore or not and since i dont act easily when im unsure about something i will most likely not say the thing i wanted to. im not afraid that people would think that my words are no good or anything like that, its just that i have hard time vocalizing my thoughts especially if there is much going on that i need to perceive about their conversation and i kind of feel like the conversation is theirs and i might cross some kind of boundary with what i say. and all the time i got this feeling that i should say something, but i just dont know how to say what i want to say in this situation. after a while of being quiet in a group i start to think what they think of me for just standing there quiet and or even introducing himself well.
this is why i like to have few good friends who i can fart, burb and say fucked up things that would cause a heart attack to weaker people with as much as i can.
i dont have like really big problem with this and this might sound bigger than it actually is(just saying so that you wont get false image of me or this issue ). but sometimes like when meeting new girls that seem fun, this frustrates me quite alot. this not knowing if i know how to say things right even bothers me now since im not sure if the topic for this post is right, but since i know that just should not give a fuck i will post this with the original topic title anyway
can anyone relate or have something to say about this?