Just Being "Nice"

[Siúil a Rúin]

How can one tell the difference when you are showing deeper personal connections vs. lighter social exchanges? Sometimes people who have a habit of being pleasant can attempt to express something meaningful only to be dismissed as "being nice". How do you differentiate the two approaches to people?

For myself I can see a few ways that line can be blurred externally, but inside my mind the difference is clear. Sometimes it is depressing to think you are dismissed for something important you attempted to say. It bothers me to think that I can show similar acts that mean different things. One reason for this is a desire not to pressure the person receiving the compliment/gift. When I feel a deeper connection I'm actually holding back. I want to say that when I create something for someone, there is a meaningful connection, but that actually isn't always the case. There have been a few times someone was a source of inspiration, but experienced in a distant manner. I want to say that if I bother to seek the person out that it is telling, but I will seek out new, random people at times to give them a pick-me-up. Any of these things are done with meaning, but not necessarily with an "inner-circle" connection. I suppose for me the most telling expression has to do with consistency - of seeking the person out, making myself available to them, creating something inspired by them, on a more ongoing basis. I probably make myself a bit more vulnerable to an "inner circle" person as well. Actually that part about making myself available for them to communicate with me is pretty telling.

Anyway, how does it work for you?

 

[wolfmaiden14]

The consistency thing is true for me too. The difference between doing something once to cheer someone up and doing a whole lot of things to show I care over a period of time.

Also, one can usually tell with me if I try to make conversation or stick around afterwards. Do I just drop a note, or a gift and then am off on my way? Or do I stick around to MAKE that deeper connection and find out what else is going on in their life and what their feelings are and figure out when I can see them again. I'd say it's all in the body language with me. I can be nervous and quiet even if I do really care for someone, but if I don't want to connect I'm really cold, short and flighty, and it's usually obvious I want to move on to something else. At least.. I think so.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Also, one can usually tell with me if I try to make conversation or stick around afterwards. Do I just drop a note, or a gift and then am off on my way?

Ha. Well I do a hit-and-run thing if I leave a present or compliment which does mean a lot and that makes me feel vulnerable I work up the courage, just do it, and then run like hell. Although I return later if the person is important to me, and peek back in sheepishly with feigned nonchalantness to make sure I didn't make some crazy mess of things.

 

[wolfmaiden14]

Ha. Well I do a hit-and-run thing if I leave a present or compliment which does mean a lot and that makes me feel vulnerable I work up the courage, just do it, and then run like hell. Although I return later if the person is important to me, and peek back in sheepishly with feigned nonchalantness to make sure I didn't make some crazy mess of things.

Hahaha. Usually if I care about someone that much, I know them well enough to say things to their face.

That's a good strategy though.

 

[Mempy]

Hmm. For any given action you take, there is probably at least one person who interprets it wrong.

I know what you’re saying. I wouldn’t want someone to confuse the meaning of any of my actions, but that’s probably inevitable. You’re talking specifically about someone confusing a deep gesture of reaching-out with just a casual (but pleasant) compliment, right? For me, I’m not as worried that that will happen, and even if it does – if I want to connect with someone or I really admire someone, I won’t just compliment them once. While I know them, there will probably be dozens of signs that I really like them as a person and enjoy their company. Which is what you were saying, right?

I suppose for me the most telling expression has to do with consistency - of seeking the person out, making myself available to them, creating something inspired by them, on a more ongoing basis.

I do think this is more telling. They’ll get the picture, if they’re special to you.

Interesting topic.

Although I return later if the person is important to me, and peek back in sheepishly with feigned nonchalantness to make sure I didn't make some crazy mess of things.

LOL.

 

[miss fortune]

I generally try and be nice annonymously because I don't WANT for anyone to think that I'm nice! I'll hold doors for people, help change tires and such but I try to keep the topic on something else because I being thanked actually embarasses me

I do love to randomly chat with strangers though- nothing too deep, just a nice conversation on our dogs, the price of lettuce or what our favorite city to visit is!

 

[samIam]

I just keep such personal feelings to myself and if they get the hint through some means than its cool if not then I keep it to myself.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Hahaha. Usually if I care about someone that much, I know them well enough to say things to their face.

That is of course the better and more reasoned way. I don't often connect to others, so have learned to take risks. It's better than my typical pattern of doing nothing. I'm used to having the hope of connecting to someone end in flops or just fizzles, so it's okay in the end. It is still a good feeling to offer something sincere just for its own moment.

And whatever, I definitely admire that ability to be able to talk and connect to others easily.

 

[Mempy]

And whatever, I definitely admire that ability to be able to talk and connect to others easily.

Same! I thought this was refreshingly outgoing! ->

I do love to randomly chat with strangers though- nothing too deep, just a nice conversation on our dogs, the price of lettuce or what our favorite city to visit is!

And I can really relate to this:

That is of course the better and more reasoned way. I don't often connect to others, so have learned to take risks. It's better than my typical pattern of doing nothing. I'm used to having the hope of connecting to someone end in flops or just fizzles, so it's okay in the end. It is still a good feeling to offer something sincere just for its own moment.

So to you both.

 

[wolfmaiden14]

That is of course the better and more reasoned way. I don't often connect to others, so have learned to take risks.

I don't know if it's better. What I mean is that I'm totally cold until I've already gotten to know and trust someone. I practically ignore them until then. I admire you for having the spine to go for it before you're that comfortable!

Whatever - I don't get that. I can understand being bashful about compliments, and even preferring good deeds to go un noticed. But why would people not want to be seen as nice people? You really want people to think you're mean?

 

[miss fortune]

but if I'm seen as mean nobody will try to mess with me! (it's a good self defense mechanism for some of us!)

 

[The Ü™]

When people are nice, it means they want something from you.

 

[miss fortune]

When people are nice, it means they want something from you.

maybe that's why YOU are nice to people!

(and whatever can't explain why she helps people without totally sounding like an SJ)

 

[wolfmaiden14]

but if I'm seen as mean nobody will try to mess with me! (it's a good self defense mechanism for some of us!)

Fair enough.

When people are nice, it means they want something from you.

Exactly...They want you to be happy!

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Whatever - I don't get that. I can understand being bashful about compliments, and even preferring good deeds to go un noticed. But why would people not want to be seen as nice people? You really want people to think you're mean?

My take may be different, but I don't want to be seen as nice, although I am pretty well conditioned to show a pleasant front. It draws too much attention and makes people see you as potential target for exploitation. I think the ideal is to appear in control and civil. Leave people without the assumptions of niceness or meanness, and just inspire respect. It's easier to pull that off professionally, but personally my face is too mushy and expressive. It betrays way too much. I don't care for that at all.

 

[JivinJeffJones]

How can one tell the difference when you are showing deeper personal connections vs. lighter social exchanges? Sometimes people who have a habit of being pleasant can attempt to express something meaningful only to be dismissed as "being nice". How do you differentiate the two approaches to people?

Personally, I find that describing what you are feeling in non-standard terms is the best way to differentiate. Don't use stock-phrases, because they have been emptied of all meaning by years of misuse. Don't be afraid to hold up the conversation to establish sincerity. Break away from established conversational patterns as much as possible -- that grabs people's attention and makes it harder for them to dismiss what you're saying as just "being nice". "Being nice" tends to be formulaic and non-exclusive. If you can say whatever you want to say in a way that is non-formulaic and exclusive, you will probably have the desired effect. It does make you vulnerable, but better to be vulnerable than safe and lonely.




PS: people's or peoples'? I can never remember.

 

[Mempy]

My take may be different, but I don't want to be seen as nice, although I am pretty well conditioned to show a pleasant front. It draws too much attention and makes people see you as potential target for exploitation. I think the ideal is to appear in control and civil. Leave people without the assumptions of niceness or meanness, and just inspire respect. It's easier to pull that off professionally, but personally my face is too mushy and expressive. It betrays way too much. I don't care for that at all.

I used to try to figure out what kind of person I needed to be to make sure I had all the love, respect, and resources I needed to survive. But I see more now that that didn't make me happy. I think I'm I'm strong enough, without artiface, to be respected and protected, and so are you.

PS: people's or peoples'? I can never remember.

Well, it can actually be both, but the most standard one is people's. People is a plural noun that denotes more than one person (like the plural nouns 'women' and 'children'). To make it possessive, you just add the apostrphe + S. Peoples is also a word, but it seems to be used more in reference to different nationalities and walks of life, if you know what I mean. I don't think I've ever seen the word "peoples" used possessively.

So, for example: "The Canadian people's right to vote is essential."

For another: "In the world, there are many different peoples from many different walks of life." "These peoples' differences are sometimes stark."

Ha! I found a usage note on dictionary.com:

—Usage note
People is usually followed by a plural verb and referred to by a plural pronoun: People are always looking for a bargain. The people have made their choice. The possessive is formed regularly, with the apostrophe before the -s: people's desire for a bargain; the people's choice. When people means “the entire body of persons who constitute a community or other group by virtue of a common culture, history, etc.,” it is used as a singular, with the plural peoples: This people shares characteristics with certain inhabitants of central Asia. The aboriginal peoples of the Western Hemisphere speak many different languages. The formation of the possessive is regular; the singular is people's and the plural is peoples'.

 

[JivinJeffJones]

Ha! I found a usage note on dictionary.com:

Nice one! My days of specific genitive uncertainty are numbered!

 

[The Ü™]

Exactly...They want you to be happy!

Did you grow up in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood?

 

[miss fortune]

Did you grow up in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood?

is there something wrong with Mr Rodger's neighborhood?

I grew up in Mayberry!