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  1. #41
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    all fine and good when it's your thread
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  2. #42
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    Whatever's Thread - Private Property

    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    all fine and good when it's your thread
    Can you own a thread? I thought this was a public thread. Perhaps you should have warned us and written, "Whatever's Thread", and, "Private Property", at the top to warn us off.

  3. #43
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    I was staring into the bathroom mirror trying to figure out how to overcome my own self-defeating behavior/insanity when I realized what I must do, and instantly I remembered the title of this thread!

    Our higher situational awareness tells us that when something goes wrong it is actually better not to acknowledge it because that might trigger a fear-based irrational response from others. This, like all behaviors, is contagious and ends up ruining it for everyone--including you or I. We stay in control of the situation (and how we are coming off to others) so we can make the right moves to reach a resolution.

    When something goes wrong with us, we suddenly have to make ourselves believe everything is alright to avoid the same irrationality. Knowing just how often "not alright" things can be despite other people believing they are, who wouldn't feel crazy telling themselves what they know isn't true? When the same thing happened to me, I went into an existential funk where I sought a higher truth to determine whether I was, in fact, crazy. Regardless of how crazy it feels, now I believe this calm, controlled response is the right one.

    Then the inner-self discovers something new: if I had just been totally honest I could have gotten a bit of help (I guess even I need a little!) I could have gotten through that rough patch so much easier that it would make it worth the cost of removing the facade. At that point, we begin to question whether it's worth being totally honest all the time... how much better might our past have gone if we had, and fear of being trapped behind the comfortable facade while struggling with a problem we can't handle in the future (hopeless feeling). This self-questioning only magnifies the crazy feeling I mentioned in the previous paragraph!

    Today I realized that even though I am the center of calm and control that people can count on in a crisis, I am still human and I should allow my inner-self to acknowledge introspectively a problem if it is my own, it doesn't mean lowering the facade and causing an irrational response. If I can't deal with something in the future, the fact that once in a while humanity can do for me what I do for them gives me hope in more than just myself, and comfort knowing I can allow myself to step out from behind the facade if I need to. Still, I don't need to be absolutely honest because I understand what experience tells me about doing that. I should still trust myself [not to be crazy] because I am able to be absolutely honest with myself.

  4. #44
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    to LNL- I definitley can agree with the whole thing about fear based irrational responses from others- that's why I've kept it under wraps from EVERYONE for so long... there's nothing worse than having some sort of judgement or stigmatization thrown your way for something that you don't even WANT

    and it's always harder to ask for help when you've always been people's calm- the one they turn to in times of trouble- there's almost something unfair about that, but it's true. It's almost like admitting that you can't fill that role anymore because of a weakness or something

    don't know if it's the same rationality for you though
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  5. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by lunalove View Post
    Is that how you did it? Little by little? I often feel like there's something inside of me trying to "get out" know what I mean? It's starting. As a recovering anorexic (not sure why I feel so safe sharing so openly here...I guess it's easier online), I'm good at accommodating everyone other than me! For now, it's mostly external...finding my voice through veganism, music I listen to, clothes, etc. Every time I try to stand up to hubby though, I crumble and end up crying! (He's the only person I've tried to stand up to pretty much. The only time it's ok for me to stand up for myself is if it's amoral or ethical thing that I feel is bigger than me...and even then I hesitate!) He's a great guy...I just have a hard time saying or doing anything that will rock the boat with anyone!! It's tough breaking free! Very scary! What if someone doesn't like the real me, that sort of thing. I'm sorry you've been there...but happy to know you've come out the other side whole and ok! (I hope truly free and happy and blissful!) Thanks!
    Well, it was a "fake it 'til you make it" thing.

    I thought, "how does the person I want to be behave?" and I mimicked it.

  6. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by disregard View Post
    Well, it was a "fake it 'til you make it" thing.
    My friend, Carolyn, has suffered clinical depression for twenty years, and she keeps on saying, "Fake it 'til you make it", through my tears.

  7. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    and it's always harder to ask for help when you've always been people's calm- the one they turn to in times of trouble- there's almost something unfair about that, but it's true. It's almost like admitting that you can't fill that role anymore because of a weakness or something

    don't know if it's the same rationality for you though
    It is the same quality of so often making up for everyone else's shortcoming in times of trouble that makes it so hard to admit that we have our own (few and far in-between as they are ). That is when it is time to look in the mirror, recognize our humanity despite our seemingly inhuman role (which is why it seems unfair) and ask "how can this person [in the mirror] get help when they have trouble they can't handle?"

    the hardest thing for those seen as flawless in the eyes of others is to show how they aren't, only then will they experience how much love there is for the leader.

  8. #48
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    *sigh* true... I'm always the one who keeps things going, the perfect hostess, the friend people go to to calm them down and fix things... the knowlege that I can't fix this and it's a real struggle to help others at times can be extremely frustrating (I do beleive that a few walls got punched early on for that reason )

    it's almost like you're expected to always bounce back and be there... that's what makes any vulnerability extra hard to face... when depressed I can't even make eye contact with a mirror...
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  9. #49
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    all fine and good when it's your thread
    You started this thread in Other Psychology Topics, not Personal Threads, which means it belongs to everyone and others are free to address the topic in their own way. If you want more control over the content of threads you start about your own experiences, start them in Personal Threads or in your own blog.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  10. #50
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    I was merely pointing out that it had nothing to do with the topic... which falls under a certain definition, I beleive
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

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