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  1. #11
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    unfortunatly, the facade is me too... it's who I've always been, this craziness shit is just an unfortunate later addition that I can't seem to shake... it's like two irreconcilable sides of the same personality really... the emoticons and fluff are every bit as much me as anything that I hide with them
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  2. #12
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Regardless of your challenges, just remember you are a wonderfull person and you are well admired. Nobody is perfect, not even me
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

  3. #13
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    to be perfectly upfront for the first time with ANYONE (who I didn't have to pay) I had a really traumatic event occur a few years ago (I was 23) and ended up in therapy for PTSD and psychotic depression after over a week of not sleeping... The PTSD was mostly resolved, but a year after that I was diagnosed as Bipolar II, after experiencing my first mixed episode over Winter '08 I freaked out and quit drinking (which I'd been using to hide my problems and self medicate), I took up getting a lot more time outdoors, started eating healthy and regulated my sleep schedule, which has helped a lot with avoiding symptoms... recently I've been under a lot of stress with my job search and such and have started to feel the inkling of things returning in the back of my mind... it's terrifying

    That's a type of weird I don't WANT to be... I don't want people's pity or sympathy, I want to be normal :steam: I appologize already because I have the tendancy to fight things and get angry about a threat
    I have PTSD too. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar and on meds for something i didn't have! i call them my lost years as the meds DID effect my psychiatrically in very negative ways... I've had countless chronic illnesses (almost all of which are cured now btw!) Do you pity me? The pain and suffering I have endured makes me who I am. What's bad about that? I want to take my pain and help others! I have since I was a little girl. i don't pity you! Most people go through trauma. It's abnormal, in this day and age for certain, to be left "whole".

    That's not to say I don't empathize or sympathize or feel for you! That's not to say I don't wish our world was different...i do! But you have an opportunity (if you so desire) to work with and to feel your suffering...and then to let it go. To go from the greatest darkness to the greatest light and joy. Those who feel pain...feel the greatest joy!

    It's all in your perception. Some days I pity myself. Some days I wish I'd never been born into such darkness. Other days.....just seeing a butterfly is so beautiful I cry! Just eating a bite of lasagna is pure bliss. Being alive is too much...joy! It's not an easy life! Or perhaps fair. But I find that if I can hold on to a slice of that beauty, that joy, that love, that humanity...it's worth it

    Ok, stepping off my soap box now! (They say that what we say to others we really need to hear ourselves. I hope my words help us both today!!)

  4. #14
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    ^ This. Great post.

    You are the sum of all of your experiences, and that can always be a good thing.
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

  5. #15
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lunalove View Post
    If anyone judges you or pities you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, we can all pounce on them! :-)
    Oh that sounds pretty haught...sorry whatever I might just change my approach to catch a nice Hawaiian pounce.
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

  6. #16
    Don't pet me. JAVO's Avatar
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    Facades are underrated. A facade can help maintain a more stable external world when the internal one is less stable. In this way, they're very pragmatic, functional, and a good adaptation to life. Maintaining a stable external world can help the internal one stabilize and prevent the internal chaos from permeating all of life in a disabling way.

    Maybe it is somewhat the quest for psychological intimacy and a desire to be accepted unconditionally by those we care about which drives us to be discontent with the disparity we call a facade?

    Everyone's mind and personality is unique. If you recognize detrimental patterns of thinking starting to appear, that's just a normal defense mechanism alerting you to do something about them. Many things help, but I've found personally that finding ways to reduce stress and replacing the negative and nonproductive thoughts with positive and productive ones are most helpful.

    If you think you're "going crazy," then that's a good sign that you're not.

    This is probably the first major challenge you've had since the traumatic event. I think in a year, you'll look back at this time as a challenging one which made you stronger and even happier.

  7. #17
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lunalove View Post
    I have PTSD too. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar and on meds for something i didn't have! i call them my lost years as the meds DID effect my psychiatrically in very negative ways... I've had countless chronic illnesses (almost all of which are cured now btw!) Do you pity me? The pain and suffering I have endured makes me who I am. What's bad about that? I want to take my pain and help others! I have since I was a little girl. i don't pity you! Most people go through trauma. It's abnormal, in this day and age for certain, to be left "whole".

    That's not to say I don't empathize or sympathize or feel for you! That's not to say I don't wish our world was different...i do! But you have an opportunity (if you so desire) to work with and to feel your suffering...and then to let it go. To go from the greatest darkness to the greatest light and joy. Those who feel pain...feel the greatest joy!

    It's all in your perception. Some days I pity myself. Some days I wish I'd never been born into such darkness. Other days.....just seeing a butterfly is so beautiful I cry! Just eating a bite of lasagna is pure bliss. Being alive is too much...joy! It's not an easy life! Or perhaps fair. But I find that if I can hold on to a slice of that beauty, that joy, that love, that humanity...it's worth it

    Ok, stepping off my soap box now! (They say that what we say to others we really need to hear ourselves. I hope my words help us both today!!)
    I suppose that I've lived in the past by running away with a bottle... now I don't really have that option because I KNOW that it won't help... it'll only make things worse, and after the experience of a mixed episode, where I was sitting at dinner with a friend and couldn't decide whether I'd rather stab him or myself with my steak knife I NEVER want to go back that way again...

    I suppose my basic psychological makeup doesn't leave me much wiggle room for admitting to weaknesses.. letting go is hard to do- I remember going for a week in the past more than once where I ate out every day to avoid going into the kitchen because the knives were too much of a temptation- it leaves me afraid of what opening up to that could cause

    I do realize, on the bright side, that I have a heightened sense of beauty, as you mentioned though- I can REALLY enjoy simple things like sunlight, flowers, the way that sunlight glints off the river... things of that sort, because I know what it's like not to get any joy out of anything

    I just don't want to go back into the dark again... I KNOW that I don't deal with it well and I hate to feel dependant on others for any form of support- it almost feels like surrendering to me, which is something that I can't bring myself to do- I was born to fight things, I fear
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  8. #18
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by disregard View Post
    luna, I used to be overly friendly and accommodating, and then one day I decided to stop it, so my advice comes from experience.
    Is that how you did it? Little by little? I often feel like there's something inside of me trying to "get out" know what I mean? It's starting. As a recovering anorexic (not sure why I feel so safe sharing so openly here...I guess it's easier online), I'm good at accommodating everyone other than me! For now, it's mostly external...finding my voice through veganism, music I listen to, clothes, etc. Every time I try to stand up to hubby though, I crumble and end up crying! (He's the only person I've tried to stand up to pretty much. The only time it's ok for me to stand up for myself is if it's amoral or ethical thing that I feel is bigger than me...and even then I hesitate!) He's a great guy...I just have a hard time saying or doing anything that will rock the boat with anyone!! It's tough breaking free! Very scary! What if someone doesn't like the real me, that sort of thing. I'm sorry you've been there...but happy to know you've come out the other side whole and ok! (I hope truly free and happy and blissful!) Thanks!

  9. #19
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    I suppose that I've lived in the past by running away with a bottle... now I don't really have that option because I KNOW that it won't help... it'll only make things worse, and after the experience of a mixed episode, where I was sitting at dinner with a friend and couldn't decide whether I'd rather stab him or myself with my steak knife I NEVER want to go back that way again...

    I suppose my basic psychological makeup doesn't leave me much wiggle room for admitting to weaknesses.. letting go is hard to do- I remember going for a week in the past more than once where I ate out every day to avoid going into the kitchen because the knives were too much of a temptation- it leaves me afraid of what opening up to that could cause

    I do realize, on the bright side, that I have a heightened sense of beauty, as you mentioned though- I can REALLY enjoy simple things like sunlight, flowers, the way that sunlight glints off the river... things of that sort, because I know what it's like not to get any joy out of anything

    I just don't want to go back into the dark again... I KNOW that I don't deal with it well and I hate to feel dependant on others for any form of support- it almost feels like surrendering to me, which is something that I can't bring myself to do- I was born to fight things, I fear


    Have you ever helped anyone before? Ever? (I ask for you, not for me! I can tell the answer is, yes!)

    How would you have felt if those people had all denied your help?

    no one can make it alone. No one! That darkness tells us we need to be alone so it can consume is. it LIES! Big time!! Tell it to shut up. Tell it you're handling things, thanks for sharing!

    You don't have to go there! Yes, you ARE a fighter!! Only...you're going to win this time! :-) Now you are armed and dangerous!

    I am off all OCD, ADD/ADHD meds. Please feel free to PM me for my story. You are NOT alone, and you shouldn't be.

    I know it's the most powerful feeling in the world...that darkness, that loathing, that hate, that fear...but it's just not real. Love is the only real thing...hang in there... more luna~

  10. #20
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JAVO View Post
    Facades are underrated. A facade can help maintain a more stable external world when the internal one is less stable. In this way, they're very pragmatic, functional, and a good adaptation to life. Maintaining a stable external world can help the internal one stabilize and prevent the internal chaos from permeating all of life in a disabling way.

    Maybe it is somewhat the quest for psychological intimacy and a desire to be accepted unconditionally by those we care about which drives us to be discontent with the disparity we call a facade?

    Everyone's mind and personality is unique. If you recognize detrimental patterns of thinking starting to appear, that's just a normal defense mechanism alerting you to do something about them. Many things help, but I've found personally that finding ways to reduce stress and replacing the negative and nonproductive thoughts with positive and productive ones are most helpful.

    If you think you're "going crazy," then that's a good sign that you're not.

    This is probably the first major challenge you've had since the traumatic event. I think in a year, you'll look back at this time as a challenging one which made you stronger and even happier.
    How brilliant! It IS scary to feel you're going back down that dark road....but perhaps if you fear it's coming, you're not as crazy as you think after all! Makes sense to me These boards contain he most amazing, insightful, and caring people on the planet. Too bad we can't all meet and change the world :-)

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