Tips on accepting yourself/Gaining confidence?

[Tamske]

Hi Ming, I'll just answer the questions, okay?

Okay here comes the general guideline!

1) What do you think are your strengths/weaknesses

Strengths: lots of imagination, intelligent, optimistic
Weaknesses: lots of imagination, not really healthy (I'm okay, don't worry! Just weaker than average. If you choose a sports team, just choose me last.), naive

2) Was there anyone there who were supportive? Or did you do it alone?

There were lots of persons which affected me both positively and negatively. Only with hindsight I'm able to recognize them. There were my ever supportive parents and sister; some good teachers, a few friends.
There was also a spiritually inspired summer camp where I was the outsider, the talk about feelings and love, the trials and tribulations of fashion, the well-meant attempts at making me put reality before imagination. Well if reality was a bit better I wouldn't have too flee it, would I?

3) Did the people around you affect your views? Or was it more you affected it yourself?

Sure. Like every adolescent, I measured my worth in popularity. I discovered quite soon that whenever I became good at something, that something switched from the cool to the dork side. And then I decided that if I was unpopular anyway, I could as well listen to classical music, not follow the good TV shows and read bad books instead,...
Teachers liked me, somehow...

4)How did you improve on(or deprive of)these thoughts/ideas? Was there some special 'formula' involved?

I'll tell a little story.
There was once a ball for the people who finished high school. Almost nobody dared to dance for fear of being laughed at. The exceptions were the ones who could dance. Among the crowd, there was a girl clothed in the fashion her ten year older sister wore to her ball. She suddenly realised: "Maybe the only difference between the dancing people and the watching ones is that the dancing dare it. I'll try. What if they laugh? I'm used to it anyway, and in the meantime I'll just have fun!"
So she got in the middle of the dance floor and had a load of fun.
Reaction? "That's amazing, Tamske, I didn't know you could dance!"

5)So in conclusion, what are the 'tips'?

Dance anyway. You're not the only one setting up a facade. You're not the only one getting hurt. Most people hide their problems, their fears of being left behind, their worries about not fitting in. I bet there are even people jealous of your life, because they only see you being fine!

A change of environment can doing wonders, too, but you should work to it too. The interaction in my high school was struck in a pattern that we couldn't leave even while we all matured. When I went to university, suddenly it was cool to be good at physics. It took me half a year to really realize that, despite the obvious fact that I was among people who chose to study physics...

6)Other suggestions/ideas/values/morals/ethics/blah you want to add.

No, not really...

7)I'm on a J mode, so give a bibliography!

The Secret Garden, F.H. Burnett
A wrinkle in time, M. L'Engle
All of Anthony Horowitz
All of Paul Biegel
The Narnia Chronicles, C.S. Lewis

Yes, that's all fiction, and nothing romance. I've found out fiction has helped me way more than "talking about feelings".
(but then again I'm not a F )

 

[Ming]

^ Best response yet !

It's strange, 'cause when I'm outside, I completely forget everything, I get distracted. When I'm at home, or alone by myself, I feel like I have obsessive compulsive disorder...probably add in depression as well.

But when I'm outside, I don't show my sad side? IS that weird? I seem to shut off my emotions to everyone else. I don't feel comfortable when I'm alone... Urrgh. Horrible feeling. Unlike people who need personal space, I need love. Been neglected too long for sure, now that I think about it. Circumstances around finance and parents, and sexuality... I like it when people care for my feelings, but I feel fear when I talk about my most inner self. I get really scared...Especially around intimate relationships with other people. I think I built a wall around myself, and it is collapsing at me... BAD! It's easier for me online, because it is not real life. I'm more comfortable talking with strangers, than my close people. I don't have to see you guys face to face, because that is really scary..

Wearing glasses is scaring me btw. I can see people's expressions clearly, and I can see their views of me...

I mean I have a lot of friends, a lot of close ones, but no one has actually gone anywhere close to who I really feel. Not even my parents have gone close. One doesn't know about my sexuality, and one rejects it (they marked me as the independent and mature child, which I am. It just felt like I hadn't been able to let myself be a child...). I've told only 2 of my closest guy friends, and quite a bit of girl friends about my homosexuality.

My parents expectations of me... It's hard; I can feel my gut wrenching.

Probably why I'm on this forum right now, get ME right. I'm still trying to look for who I am, so I'll try to keep my mind steady.

Anyone have any more tips? (LOL, after that passage, I just realised that I'm going completely off topic. Now I feel like I'm on some emo teenager depression forum.. Hmm Maybe I should join... Dammit, I'm on a negative mood right now. COME BACK ESFP MODE >.<)

Edit: -I also feel bored with life, and suicidal thoughts has come and gone. Don't worry, I'm strong enough to smile through the sadness, but that doesn't mean it's not there. It's through deep pains we gain optimism (Hah, my theory). I feel like I can't focus, because my goals seem so big, and I feel so small. A way to focus as well?

 

[Tamske]

^ Best response yet !

Thanks. Glad to help you!

It's strange, 'cause when I'm outside, I completely forget everything, I get distracted. When I'm at home, or alone by myself, I feel like I have obsessive compulsive disorder...probably add in depression as well.

That's not too weird, actually. It comes with Extravert. Being self-conscious when you are alone and forgetting all about it when that gigantic Se of yours is allowed to take input!
There's a simple cure for it, too... get out and give your mind the interaction it craves.

But when I'm outside, I don't show my sad side? IS that weird? I seem to shut off my emotions to everyone else. I don't feel comfortable when I'm alone... Urrgh. Horrible feeling. Unlike people who need personal space, I need love. Been neglected too long for sure, now that I think about it. Circumstances around finance and parents, and sexuality... I like it when people care for my feelings, but I feel fear when I talk about my most inner self. I get really scared...Especially around intimate relationships with other people. I think I built a wall around myself, and it is collapsing at me... BAD! It's easier for me online, because it is not real life. I'm more comfortable talking with strangers, than my close people. I don't have to see you guys face to face, because that is really scary..

Wearing glasses is scaring me btw. I can see people's expressions clearly, and I can see their views of me...

I mean I have a lot of friends, a lot of close ones, but no one has actually gone anywhere close to who I really feel. Not even my parents have gone close. One doesn't know about my sexuality, and one rejects it (they marked me as the independent and mature child, which I am. It just felt like I hadn't been able to let myself be a child...). I've told only 2 of my closest guy friends, and quite a bit of girl friends about my homosexuality.

My parents expectations of me... It's hard; I can feel my gut wrenching.

Feel like you're failing whatever you do? Don't be too hard on yourself. You're not the only one. Most people (at least most people I know) are physically nor mentally able to do the things they imagine they should be doing.

Probably why I'm on this forum right now, get ME right. I'm still trying to look for who I am, so I'll try to keep my mind steady.

Anyone have any more tips? (LOL, after that passage, I just realised that I'm going completely off topic. Now I feel like I'm on some emo teenager depression forum.. Hmm Maybe I should join... Dammit, I'm on a negative mood right now. COME BACK ESFP MODE >.<)

Edit: -I also feel bored with life, and suicidal thoughts has come and gone. Don't worry, I'm strong enough to smile through the sadness, but that doesn't mean it's not there. It's through deep pains we gain optimism (Hah, my theory). I feel like I can't focus, because my goals seem so big, and I feel so small. A way to focus as well?

Deadlines and a good strong ESTJ to nag at you when you're slacking? Works for me . Define sub-goals and write those down. May seem a strange tip coming from a P and meant for a P, but...

I've always learnt (I mean school-like learning, maths and such) very easily and never understood those "learn to learn" tips like structure and planning. It seemed like you lost time on that planning thing, because that's time you're not learning. But for bigger chunks (might be learning or another goal you'd want to reach) planning can actually gain you time and keep you on track. The turning point between "planning is losing time" and "planning is gaining time" is (my little theory) different for different people and for different tasks. As an easy learner, my turning point for learning was higher than the mean, which meant I never planned my learning and, as such, never learnt to plan! I guess a P tendency can strengthen itself in this way.
But for writing a 500-page novel... I recently discovered a written-down planning can be really helpful.

 

[FeatheredFrenzy]

My teenage years were some of the most difficult years of my life, and looking back, I can't explain why since nothing bad happened. Well, I went to a competitive high school where they gave a lot of homework. I had to stay up till midnight a lot of times to finish it all. Also my family kind of ignored me, so I was pretty unhappy and no one seemed to notice. As an introvert, the more unhappy I am, the less I talk. There were a few years where I barely spoke, and people thought there was something wrong with me. I was bored, unhappy, and overworked. I just wanted to know what the point was to all of it. I thought and thought about it and I just couldn't find one, so I decided I wasn't going to think like that anymore. I was going to see it through, do my best, and see how it would turn out no matter what.

That sadness you feel right now at your age does go away. One day you're going to meet people who love you in ways you can't imagine. You'll get to wake up on Sundays with them and eat waffles together. Even your own family will treat you better. You just have to hang in there these couple of years. You're not that far away. You ask how a person gains confidence. The truth is that a person doesn't need confidence. You have every right to be on this planet as much as anyone else does. There's no rule saying that only the smartest, coolest, most good-looking people get to walk out of their door each morning feeling proud and happy.

That girl went and said something horrible to you, but guess what? If she remembers saying that, she's going to feel bad for YEARS, and you don't have to feel a thing about it. When I worked in customer service, I had people saying mean things to me all the time and it hurt me up until I realized they were cuh-rAYzee. People just want to be mean sometimes; that's all it is. They'll say anything they can think of. Once you're an adult, people sort of know that they can't talk to you like that, but for now, you're going to have to find a way to tough it out like we all had to do.

 

[Ming]

Iunno, it's hard being a teenager. There's a lot of stress I handle right now. It just seems so pressured + hard. STRESS IS EVERYWHERE.

1) I have no idea what the hell life is going to turn out. I'm gay, and that's hard enough already. Argh, it feels like the end of the world, and I just sometimes want to shove a knife in myself or something. But I guess no point pitying myself; I'll move on as best as I can. I'll definitely not kill myself; I've got so much I can do, even if it's very little.

2) I tell myself to study, but I just.. don't do it. Half Yearlies are in 2 weeks, and I haven't studied.

3) I want to be better; at a lot of things. Crappy at sport, not the top at the brains, not the popular end either. Short, unattractive, not as fit as I could look. Skinny torso, thick lower body. Bodily in proportionate? I have absolutely no idea of the outside world, and I hate politics, geography and history. I never seem to be able to remember stuff, and I always forget what I learnt. I always waste my time (here on this forum?).

4) I want to be someone who does something in life, maybe someone who CAN do something. I've been told that I'm 'useless', and 'quite stupid' by my parents, my grandparents, etc. They never seem to appreciate/be proud of me; they've never hugged me, said that loved me, as far as I can remember.

5) My parents seem to work so hard for me; and that just makes me feel more guilty + useless. They never have the time/duty to do anything involving school, not do they have the capabilities. They can't speak English; so I translate everything for them. So I'll do the quote for home insurance, or ring up the police + make statements, and go everywhere with them. I'm okay with that, but sometimes it seems to be so much to do.

I've cheered myself up now; I can't believe I actually had tears coming out of my eyes when I was going to sleep last night. Jeez, now that I think about it, it was kinda stupid I guess.

I really want to move out.. I seem just way too pressured sometimes. Parent's expectations of me seem so HIGH. And thus makes me feel so small. I mean I'd be okay maybe if I was good looking, but nope. I'm not rich, nor strong either. I don't seem to be able to excel in anything .

I'm hoping to move out when I have my own job/self efficient. Maybe go to the gym/get fit when I'm brave enough... Pfft, boyfriend probably won't happen.

 

[Tamske]

4) I want to be someone who does something in life, maybe someone who CAN do something. I've been told that I'm 'useless', and 'quite stupid' by my parents, my grandparents, etc. They never seem to appreciate/be proud of me; they've never hugged me, said that loved me, as far as I can remember.

5) My parents seem to work so hard for me; and that just makes me feel more guilty + useless. They never have the time/duty to do anything involving school, not do they have the capabilities. They can't speak English; so I translate everything for them. So I'll do the quote for home insurance, or ring up the police + make statements, and go everywhere with them. I'm okay with that, but sometimes it seems to be so much to do.

Please reread these two statements... they are contradictory. If you translate everything for your parents, you're providing them with a big service they need. How can you be useless then?

Kind greetings from TiTamske.

 

[Ming]

Please reread these two statements... they are contradictory. If you translate everything for your parents, you're providing them with a big service they need. How can you be useless then?

Kind greetings from TiTamske.

I don't know.. That's what they tell me.