Eye contact

[Lady_X]

I always make a lot of eyecontact when I'm talking to someone, except when I'm talking to someone I don't take seriously, but I behave differently towards them anyways. I hate it when other people don't make eyecontact during a conversation, because then it's like they don't want contact at all. I also don't like people who make too much eye contact, because they always make me feel like they want to hypnotize me or something, especially when they're also talking monotonously and when they make no movement with their hands either.

haha...yeah i know that feeling...it weirds me out.

 

[Synapse]

I'm rather uncomfortable with too much eye contact. All I need to do is briefly look at a person to know what they are on about and for the rest of the time I tend to look past people at other things to distract myself. I do this thing with my friends that when I'm talking with them, rather than looking at them I look at the traffic or my gaze goes into a daze. And socially anxious people will wear sunglasses so as not look at people. I try to cut that out and then I look at a person, really look at a person and it unnerves them and they tell me to stop looking at them like that. or it unnerves me and I gotta look away because there is just too much going on.

 

[sketchymcsketcherson]

I personally love eye contact, but with other guys, there's a certain primitive "wanna go bitch" part of the male brain that activates when two guys make eye contact.

Psssshhhh...maybe if it's aggressive in nature and held a couple seconds too long.

I don't like eye contact, but I have a slightly different reason for it: I have trich.

 

[BlueFlame]

I don't mind eye contact, but when I'm discussing something important, my eyes tend to wander off to the side in thought.
When people stare me down I feel guilty...even if we're just talking about the weather.

I've also found that staring directly at someone's crotch while they're speaking makes conversation much more interesting.

 

[INTP]

depends how im feeling, who im talking to, what we are talking about, where we are talking and possibly about many other things. sometimes im more avoidant and just quick look on the eyes at times and sometimes i might look bit too much and deep.
i have no idea whats the "right" amount for eye contact when talking

if i feel like i need to read the other person more than just listening what s/hes saying, then i read their minds thru eyes

 

[JocktheMotie]

I typically have trouble with eye contact, because I'm told it's either too dissecting or too evasive. So I'll typically have an internal count in my head, when it's time to look away. I also have a problem with not looking at people when I talk to them so they can get confused.

 

[The_Liquid_Laser]

I'm intrigued by eye contact, and how some people like it and some people hate it. Someone told me once that, generally speaking, women make a lot more eye contact than men do, because women usually view eye contact as a way to show that they're listening actively and that they're involved in the conversation, whereas men, generally speaking, don't make a lot of eye contact because they usually see it as a form of intimidation and it makes them uncomfortable.

However, I know a lot of men (including an ENFJ and an INTP) who make constant eye contact, and some women (including me*) who don't. So I can't figure it out!

Does anyone have theories about this? Has anyone read an article that explains it? Is there a definitive answer that I don't know about?

RSVP!


*That's why I was inspired to make this thread - when I was re-watching my type question video for the umpteenth time, I noticed that I had even avoided eye contact with the camera!

I haven't figured out this eye contact thing. I used to not make eye contact hardly at all. Then I read that people like it when you make eye contact, so I found myself staring them down. Now when someone is talking to me I try to make a fair amount of eye contact, but then look away from time to time. I am so preoccupied with eye contact that I find I'm not always paying attention to what they are saying, lol.

I told this to my wife and a friend of ours, and they told me that they didn't notice me having any problems with eye contact. That means that so far my ruse is working, and the humans have not yet detected that they've been infiltrated.

 

[JivinJeffJones]

I've often heard that strong eye-contact is a sign of confidence and a strong will, but I suspect that's mostly said by people who like maintaining eye contact. Personally I don't find most eyes interesting enough to devote that much attention to. It's not like they're changing colour mid-conversation. And there are so many other things to look at. The only times I really make an effort to make strong eye-contact is when I'm trying to face someone down, or if I'm talking to someone who is maintaining conspicuous eye-contact. In the latter case it's because they trigger my "Oh, so that's how you want to play this is it?" response.

 

[d4mselfly]

I always make an effort to make eye contact when I first start talking to someone. Then I'll renew it a couple of times throughout the conversation if they say something interesting or ask me something so they know I'm listening (as I tend to focus determinedly off on a distant point when I'm thinking and people assume I'm zoning out...). I don't like it when people constantly evade eye contact, but I take it as a challenge when other people stare constantly, so a healthy balance is the best for me. Others tend to look away before I do, though, because I tend to have a pretty intense stare even when I don't mean to be intimidating.

 

[tibby]

I have eye contact with people because I find it polite, but I won't stare. The other reason is I actually like looking into people's eyes, I try to read them. Mostly I'll look at the person when they're not looking at me.

 

[Rainne]

Eye contact is pretty useful. You can read a lot about a person by making eye contact with them (body language, facial expression, non-verbal things). It's also a good way to say, "Hey bitch, pay attention to me. I don't want to waste my time talking to you only to have you not listen." However, some cultures find maintaining eye contact as rude and defiant (like you're challenging them), so be careful.

I prefer not to use it though, it's extremely taxing on your energy. I only make eye contact during the initiation of the conversation and when you say something interesting.

 

[JoSunshine]

Here is a pretty good example of the hardcore ENTJ stare down.

Are you sure it isn't just gas, DiscoBiscuit???

I have been told on many occassions that my level of eye-contact is "intense" or "intimidating" which shocks me every time. I'm just looking at the person becuase I am paying attention. If I'm not looking, I'm probably not listening Interestingly, a woman had never made a comment one way or the other about my level of eye-contact. Maybe you boys just scare easily

 

[William K]

It's sort of like the saying "Look me in the eye and tell me the truth"

Looking away or down, especially when you're making a point will weaken it considerably. I have to keep reminding myself of this whenever I have to make a public presentation.

I think the only time I feel odd maintaining eye contact is when the other person is embarassed or hurt and wants to avoid talking about the current subject. I find it strange especially when an interviewer confronts someone and just keeps at it when it is clear that the other person just wishes he/she were left alone.

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

Are you sure it isn't just gas, DiscoBiscuit???

I have been told on many occassions that my level of eye-contact is "intense" or "intimidating" which shocks me every time. I'm just looking at the person becuase I am paying attention. If I'm not looking, I'm probably not listening Interestingly, a woman had never made a comment one way or the other about my level of eye-contact. Maybe you boys just scare easily

If you saw it in person you wouldn't be smiling...

I really do get a sense of someone when I can see their eyes. And I feel like my knowing gaze can be unsettling.

I actually think that my enneagram type is what gives me such intensity. 8w9's are often described as simmering volcanoes. It's this underlying reservoir of emotion that makes us so intense and visceral in person.

But then again I'm not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to all this psychology stuff. *shrugs*

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

when my wife makes eye contact she is looking for something inside the other person, some kind of fundamental part of that person.
whereas when i make eye contact i am more relating to that person through myself, so i think eye contact for me is about looking for something inside myself that will pull us together.

I really like this distinction. That is what I do when I make eye contact with someone. I'm mainly letting them know I care, I guess. But I'm also just trying to absorb everything I can of them; using the eyes as a focal point but trying to glean why they are saying what they are saying, how they feel talking to me in that moment, how they feel about what they are saying, how they feel about me listening to them, etc. And I'm not the best listener in the end, and perhaps it is because I'm really thinking all these damn things in my head, and trying to analyze the person's state of being, and I just don't expend enough energy just listening to what they are saying.

I can do eye contact when the conversation is about the other person; when the other person is more the subject or is talking. But when the conversation turns on to me, I find it too much to not only talk about myself, but to look someone in the eyes while I'm doing it. I feel just too vulnerable, too shy, I guess.

 

[Windigo]

Discobiscuit! Haha! That "hardcore" ENTJ staredown is pretty funny. I had no idea but I recently discovered that when I am solving a problem I get a look that is pretty close to your pic on my face. I had a student ask me if I was angry with them. I was surprised becase they were taking a test and I was (or thought I was) staring off into space trying to figure out a problem with work. I found out that day that I apparently "stare" intensely at people when I am trying to figure things out but it doens't really have anything to do with that person . . . maybe that is what gives ENTJs such a bad rap . . . . and here I thought i was all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

 

[Skyward]

Thinking about eye contact makes me want to sigh. If I look at someone in the eyes I tend to space out and stare at there eyes, but if I engage there words in a more thoughtful manner I end up not looking at them much. Then there is also the fact that when someone looks away I tend to look at them and when they look at me I have an instinct to want to look away. Sometimes I will just walk around staring at people though anyway and I have noticed people read the aggressive instinct of it and will often not approach me; I tend to do this when I know an extroverted type is going to ask me to do something and they will, more often than not, not approach me. It's quite effective, but I'm probably coming off as a bit angry and scary at the same time even though it is just an act.

When people make eye contact and communicate, do they usually try to read the other person to figure out what to say and how to act and show expressions?

The bolded part is exactly what I do. If you tell me to look you in the eyes, I can, but it isn't my natural instinct, and since I'm a very private person, it feels like I'm an open book to them. I tend to space out whether or not I have eye contact, though, if the person doesn't bring anything to the conversation. My natural mode is in my head, yes I am withholding things, but those things are unrelated to reasons why I am not showing eye contact. They're just private things. From that view of it, reading posts from Halla or Biscuit makes me wonder if they're exhibitionists - I just grumble because they're view has the popular backing of society, so I can't explain my side to most people without seeming like a flake or untrustworthy.

 

[milkyway2]

I make eye contact to try and see what people are feeling and/or really thinking. I do it a lot, in fact I worry about sometimes making too much eye contact with people. I get weird looks..

So I don't have a problem with it unless I'm trying to hide something... and on the overall, I am not hiding anything from the world.

So I imagine that people that hate eye contact are most likely hiding something from everyone...

 

[JoSunshine]

BEFORE stare down with JoSunshine:

AFTER stare down with JoSunshine:

 

[tcda]

Wierd thing is after reading this thread it occurred to me to try out eye contact, which it hadn't really before.

When you're conscious of doing it and know how long to do it for, and initiate/end it at your own will, it's quite fun.