I kinda lack self-esteem at the moment. It is not that I wouldn't know I am not worth being loved or respected. I know I have my qualities as a human being, I know I have some abilities and skills other maybe don't have. But I seem to be not able to show everything to other people as I would sometimes like to anymore. At least thats why I think people seem to more or less have dropped me from the time I didn't obligatory see them nearly every day anyway.
I think the reason for that is that I started being very depressed in my last school year due to several heavy weighing life events which happened all in a short time. In that time I could see how friends at school seemed to drift away from me. I never talked with someone about my problems, and I think people didn't understand why I behaved different. I isolated myself from others slowly, and others didn't try to help me either.
Now I always try to think to myself that I am a love-worthy person and that I just have to trust other people again, but I am not able to. I realize that even the most stupid idiots have friends which are more or less helping him, and I don't have. I know I am better than those idiots, but I am not able to show other people much of it because I am so closed into myself and isolated. And the knowing of it actually makes it even harder to get out of it like a doom loop.
It is not the thing that I don't know what to do without other people, but it nags on my self-esteem and it hurts me to be left alone by all people which I liked, and that those people actually do care for other people but just not for me.
I currently have not much energy to do anything. I sometimes have ideas what I would want to do, but I cannot bring me to start things very easily. I need someone to push me, but then mostly I actually manage to do things. At least.
I know I sound very sad and negative in that post and apologise for it, but thats actually how I feel right now. It helps me a bit to write about it.