I have thos ongoing issue, I'ld like to ask for some advice on. It's no real threatening thing but its a thing that bugs me and I want to find ways and new strategies to better cope with it.
So I am talking about dealing with other peoples emotions. Normally I am pretty good at dealing with them, I stay very calm, empathize genuinely with the person who is feeling bad and I listen to them carefully. I have my own mood at this point and will stay in it. Meaning I wouldnt be easily affected and changed in my feelings, if someone talks about his / hers. The advantage of a phlegmatic attitude like this is that you can stay strong in the process and offer a shoulder to cry on for the other person.
Of course it works not as easily as that sounds, sometimes its the case that if I had to stand a person depressive mood for a whole day, I get depressed myself a few days later, without really noticing where this feelings could stem from. This then becomes a problem with people, who try to help you, cause you cant really tell them why you are depressed. And because you're depressed you dont really want to talk about depression and rather behave like a jerk.
Well you maybe know what I am talking about. That tho should just be an introduction, though you get a little idea where I am coming from.
The thing now what bugs me is the following: I have nearly no near whatsoever ability to not get immediantly exhausted and depressed, if my girlfriend talks to me being depressed.
She has her nursery exams now after a three year long education and of course she's totally stressed. I'ld like to help her as best as I can.
So far it works like this: I meet her or we call and she tells me all her problems. Most of the problems are problems she created as new problems out of existing problems. For example is she worrieing about the thing that she doesnt learn enough at the moment but rather procrastinates doing other things. Ok that's a thing everybody knows, there is no golden rule to help that besides active learning. But then she talks about the other people in her class and how much they have already learned and goes on with that for like an hour. And that I think is totally irrelvant to her situation.
I have told her that the best thing to do against exam nerves is to sit down and bloody-mindedly learn the damned things. This will give you a feeling of having accomplished something and takes some stress from you. It wont help you not being nervous but it gives you more security. Besides that I told her for christs sake to shit on what others are doing. I passed my automatic control engineering exam at University as class best and I learned a week, while others learned three months. There is really no sure thing to tell how much one has to learn for an exam.
Well you prolly all know by now the feelings she has on that, its just exam stress and one has to go through with it.
Well so whats the problem ?
The problem is me, I normally am able to stand those kind of conversations for like forever without feeling a thing or twitching an eyebrow. But when it comes to my girlfriend my guard is lost, the capacitors power to my shields is gone, the magnetized armor is ripped apart on every level and the internal structure is buckling.
I tho managed to hide that pretty well from my girlfriend, but its getting worse. The moment she starts a conversation being depressed about something, I get depressed like by snapping ones fingers and its unfair towards her cause sooner or later she must think of me that I am so volatile and sensitive that she cant even open her mouth without me being depressed.
So you maybe getting what I am getting at. It's basically two dimensions this works in, the first is mine as described above and the second is hers in which she just notices that I seem to get depressed the moment she tries to talk about some of the things that bug her.
Let's look at the flipside of the medal: the flipside is her abilities to realy emotions and create an atmosphere in which you feel epically secure and loved are awesome. I've never in my life met a woman like her, being so secure and capable to show her affections in such an honest way. It's not that she is aware of what she does, it's just who she is, she carries her heart on the tongue and every person in her vicinity knows in an instant what she is thinking, cause she wouldnt even attempt to hide her true feelings about a thing.
She appears very strange to many people because of that, cause people wear more of a fascade in daily life. And thats the issue too she got issues with a lot of people at her job. She's in no ways made for an ignorant, egocentric and cold corporate business world, she's a real angel, with the claws of a werewolf.
She and me have developed a kind of synergy that goes beyond just a relationship. It's a connection of mind and an emotional bond fueled by our own ability to abstract and feel with ones own feelings what the other one is thinking.
So before I have lost your attention completly, here is the kicker: she likes that emotionality in her world, its her source of power to live for another day. I dread it, I try to avoid emotionality every time again, cause once sucked in I loose control, become abrasive and totally overstrained with the situation.
She taught me on many occasions how to better deal with feelings and I helped her to cool down in some areas. But the relation between us, is still a big dimensional barrier and I need to find ways to deal better with situations in which I have been stoic for 24 hours and then she calls me on the phone and I get like in an instant warped in a world of inconcistencies and overbearing temperament resulting from a billion of problems not necessary to be ever thought about.