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  1. #1
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Default Smoldering Emotional Conflagrations

    I have thos ongoing issue, I'ld like to ask for some advice on. It's no real threatening thing but its a thing that bugs me and I want to find ways and new strategies to better cope with it.

    So I am talking about dealing with other peoples emotions. Normally I am pretty good at dealing with them, I stay very calm, empathize genuinely with the person who is feeling bad and I listen to them carefully. I have my own mood at this point and will stay in it. Meaning I wouldnt be easily affected and changed in my feelings, if someone talks about his / hers. The advantage of a phlegmatic attitude like this is that you can stay strong in the process and offer a shoulder to cry on for the other person.

    Of course it works not as easily as that sounds, sometimes its the case that if I had to stand a person depressive mood for a whole day, I get depressed myself a few days later, without really noticing where this feelings could stem from. This then becomes a problem with people, who try to help you, cause you cant really tell them why you are depressed. And because you're depressed you dont really want to talk about depression and rather behave like a jerk.

    Well you maybe know what I am talking about. That tho should just be an introduction, though you get a little idea where I am coming from.

    The thing now what bugs me is the following: I have nearly no near whatsoever ability to not get immediantly exhausted and depressed, if my girlfriend talks to me being depressed.

    She has her nursery exams now after a three year long education and of course she's totally stressed. I'ld like to help her as best as I can.

    So far it works like this: I meet her or we call and she tells me all her problems. Most of the problems are problems she created as new problems out of existing problems. For example is she worrieing about the thing that she doesnt learn enough at the moment but rather procrastinates doing other things. Ok that's a thing everybody knows, there is no golden rule to help that besides active learning. But then she talks about the other people in her class and how much they have already learned and goes on with that for like an hour. And that I think is totally irrelvant to her situation.

    I have told her that the best thing to do against exam nerves is to sit down and bloody-mindedly learn the damned things. This will give you a feeling of having accomplished something and takes some stress from you. It wont help you not being nervous but it gives you more security. Besides that I told her for christs sake to shit on what others are doing. I passed my automatic control engineering exam at University as class best and I learned a week, while others learned three months. There is really no sure thing to tell how much one has to learn for an exam.

    Well you prolly all know by now the feelings she has on that, its just exam stress and one has to go through with it.

    Well so whats the problem ?

    The problem is me, I normally am able to stand those kind of conversations for like forever without feeling a thing or twitching an eyebrow. But when it comes to my girlfriend my guard is lost, the capacitors power to my shields is gone, the magnetized armor is ripped apart on every level and the internal structure is buckling.

    I tho managed to hide that pretty well from my girlfriend, but its getting worse. The moment she starts a conversation being depressed about something, I get depressed like by snapping ones fingers and its unfair towards her cause sooner or later she must think of me that I am so volatile and sensitive that she cant even open her mouth without me being depressed.

    So you maybe getting what I am getting at. It's basically two dimensions this works in, the first is mine as described above and the second is hers in which she just notices that I seem to get depressed the moment she tries to talk about some of the things that bug her.

    Let's look at the flipside of the medal: the flipside is her abilities to realy emotions and create an atmosphere in which you feel epically secure and loved are awesome. I've never in my life met a woman like her, being so secure and capable to show her affections in such an honest way. It's not that she is aware of what she does, it's just who she is, she carries her heart on the tongue and every person in her vicinity knows in an instant what she is thinking, cause she wouldnt even attempt to hide her true feelings about a thing.

    She appears very strange to many people because of that, cause people wear more of a fascade in daily life. And thats the issue too she got issues with a lot of people at her job. She's in no ways made for an ignorant, egocentric and cold corporate business world, she's a real angel, with the claws of a werewolf.

    She and me have developed a kind of synergy that goes beyond just a relationship. It's a connection of mind and an emotional bond fueled by our own ability to abstract and feel with ones own feelings what the other one is thinking.

    So before I have lost your attention completly, here is the kicker: she likes that emotionality in her world, its her source of power to live for another day. I dread it, I try to avoid emotionality every time again, cause once sucked in I loose control, become abrasive and totally overstrained with the situation.

    She taught me on many occasions how to better deal with feelings and I helped her to cool down in some areas. But the relation between us, is still a big dimensional barrier and I need to find ways to deal better with situations in which I have been stoic for 24 hours and then she calls me on the phone and I get like in an instant warped in a world of inconcistencies and overbearing temperament resulting from a billion of problems not necessary to be ever thought about.
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  2. #2
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Just to clarify Entropie, what are you most concerned about when you get emotional like this? Are you concerned about appearing "weak," are you more concerned about why exactly this is happening, or worried if she might stop being so open with you if she can tell it upsets you? Just trying to get a better understanding of where you're coming from.



  3. #3
    Senior Member milkyway2's Avatar
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    I know what you mean. It is a little bit different for me, but I almost experience the same thing. Me and my boyfriend usually don't talk about feelings. But whenever he gets upset and pissed off (he's never gets depressed-only angry) then I get depressed. I can't help it, it's like a bodily reaction. When he gets pissed off about something, I feel my body get all cold and shaky and I just want to get sad and cry or go away.

    But that's especially bad if it's something I did that hurt him that he's pissed off at me for. It's super hard for us to have a productive conversation about it because of what you described, I feel like I'm in in a swirling world of just crazy sad thoughts running through my mind and I lose the ability to rationally think. Which pisses him off even more.

    I haven't fixed this problem yet. But it's better than it used to be. This is what I do, I deeply analyze every thought that passes through my head. If you start to think something that you know will make you sad... think about it in a different way. Think.. "why am i thinking this and why is it making me sad" I guess I just try to like.. calm my mind down... and take the thoughts that are racing through as slowly as I can and analyze them. I don't know if that will help you at all. But it helps me not be so depressed. Because when I get that way.... my mind starts going in circles. I think about the same things and come to the same conculsions about them that make me sad and then my mind just keeps coming back around to those thoughts. And when I'm sad about one thing, my mind automatically goes to other things that make me sad. Stop that from happening. It doesn't help anything and just makes you in a loop of illogical thinking that depresses you.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    That's what happens when you decide to be part of a couple. Your life and your self are no longer your own. Whatever she goes through, you're going through it, too, whether you like it or not.

    Hang tough till her exams are over. You're doing good. You're almost there.

  5. #5
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    Just to clarify Entropie, what are you most concerned about when you get emotional like this? Are you concerned about appearing "weak," are you more concerned about why exactly this is happening, or worried if she might stop being so open with you if she can tell it upsets you? Just trying to get a better understanding of where you're coming from.
    I basically want to be there for her if she goes through tough times. But I cant always stand her emotional bombardment. She then complains about things she lived thru in a week and just wants me to listen; but I get after the first 2 minutes into a grumpy mood and loose all coherance in my thought, starting to get all emotional myself.

    I am wondering now if I should tell her, what would probably ruin the relationship if I tell her she's too overbearing for me to take. Or if I do something wrong and due to the fact that I come from a very emotionally retarded family I am retarded in that regards aswell.

    The normal reaction to emotionality for me is to block it out, to not let it happen. But if you love a person that doesnt work no more and now I have to find new ways to cope with that. So I wont get all overly sensitive, if my girl just wants to tell me something and I empathize so much that her feelings totally overwhelm me and caught me offguard.

    I know its totally difficult to give any kinds of sultion to that but thats why I am asking.

    Quote Originally Posted by milkyway2 View Post
    I know what you mean. It is a little bit different for me, but I almost experience the same thing. Me and my boyfriend usually don't talk about feelings. But whenever he gets upset and pissed off (he's never gets depressed-only angry) then I get depressed. I can't help it, it's like a bodily reaction. When he gets pissed off about something, I feel my body get all cold and shaky and I just want to get sad and cry or go away.

    But that's especially bad if it's something I did that hurt him that he's pissed off at me for. It's super hard for us to have a productive conversation about it because of what you described, I feel like I'm in in a swirling world of just crazy sad thoughts running through my mind and I lose the ability to rationally think. Which pisses him off even more.

    I haven't fixed this problem yet. But it's better than it used to be. This is what I do, I deeply analyze every thought that passes through my head. If you start to think something that you know will make you sad... think about it in a different way. Think.. "why am i thinking this and why is it making me sad" I guess I just try to like.. calm my mind down... and take the thoughts that are racing through as slowly as I can and analyze them. I don't know if that will help you at all. But it helps me not be so depressed. Because when I get that way.... my mind starts going in circles. I think about the same things and come to the same conculsions about them that make me sad and then my mind just keeps coming back around to those thoughts. And when I'm sad about one thing, my mind automatically goes to other things that make me sad. Stop that from happening. It doesn't help anything and just makes you in a loop of illogical thinking that depresses you.
    Thanks for sharing this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    That's what happens when you decide to be part of a couple. Your life and your self are no longer your own. Whatever she goes through, you're going through it, too, whether you like it or not.

    Hang tough till her exams are over. You're doing good. You're almost there.
    I dont really approve with that eat or die mentality. If she goes thru a hard time again once in her life the whole thing would repeat itself.

    I know what you mean regarding there is no perfect in a relationship.

    When I first met my girl she was haphazard and unreasonable. We had epic fights about anything. I wasnt much better, I dint show any conviction in emotion of any kind and let her live in an unstable vortex of not knowing who the fuck I am and what I want.

    We disbanded like, I dunno 5 times in the first year, she wrote me a text message saying "It's over" and I had no clue why. Then I didnt call for 3 weeks or give any sign and eventually she got back to me.

    So she's a VERY emotional person and I am VERY proud and ignorant.

    We went thru magical 5 years, if you see us today we are like a sworn-in team. We are both very proud that we came to this point and we talked alot and found out alot about ourselves in the process to get their. I really love her and tho I never tell her that, I really do and I can imagine to get old with her.

    Well what the fuck, I forgot most of what I wanted to say, the emotional wave since the last phone call that motivated me to start this thread is gone.

    So nvm, I go shoot some Battleships in eve online
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  6. #6
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    You know...I wonder if you're reacting to her general negativity. It sounds like she only sees the worst of things and latches onto those features to maintain a perpetually frustrated identity. I think you should consider how this might not be your issue, and how listening and empathizing with her might not be the best strategy for either of you. Maybe it's time to make her aware of how her constant complaining and negativity are making you react and ask her to reign it in a bit and try discussing something aside from her frustration.

    Out of curiosity, do you have a long distance relationship?

  7. #7
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Yes we have, she lives two hours away from me, but I drive drive drive .

    It's not really constant negativity, cause when I spent like 5 days with her after the first day she's complete chill and things are cool. Maybe that could be the issue.

    We are planning to move together in September, have no clue tho how that works out in the long run
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  8. #8
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    Yes we have, she lives two hours away from me, but I drive drive drive .

    It's not really constant negativity, cause when I spent like 5 days with her after the first day she's complete chill and things are cool. Maybe that could be the issue.
    That makes sense. I was in a LDR for a year once and noticed that there was no real bonding time. There was a lot of PRESSURE to forge a connection, but no down time. For me, a confused and introvert and for most people, I think that's a big problem. I need down time in order to bond* and can never bond with the pressure to do so. No one can. The result was that we kept trying to bond over the phone but didn't know how. So what do you do? You resort to complaining and look for commiseration and make a temporary mental/emotional connection. After a while, though, it gets old and you feel distant. At least, I did.

    That kind of explains why the issue goes away in person.

    *Fun fact: I only connect to people after prolonged exposure, when drinking in cars before going out, and when eating fastfood, which I no longer do.

    We are planning to move together in September, have no clue tho how that works out in the long run
    Good luck!

  9. #9
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    your stories are like straight out of my life. i also had an on-off relationship with my boyfriend for a couple of years before we finally settled and he moved in with me. he was always very emotional, or open about his feelings and used to open up to me a lot. at first he was offended a lot, because instead of empathizing? i used to logically approach a situation, or just sit there, not knowing what to do... he thought it meant i was cold and uncaring. i was confused and hurt that he though i was cold. perhaps i was?

    it began to change as he made me open up to him. he said he purposefully wanted to make me cry, because it would be good for me. it actually did feel good, although i was still confused. in the beginning i used to leave the house whenever we had an argument and come back "as nothing had happened". he didn't like that. i just wanted the feeling to go away and then come back to discuss what went wrong. i told him this.

    but it was hard for me, because as he made me open up to him, i started to need him emotionally... and as i really didn't even know most of the time why i was feeling the way i was, it was a bit scary for me. he didn't get that at all. i felt betrayed... i felt like why did he had to do that to me, if he wasn't going to be there for me then...

    i don't know. i probably was the problem. as time went on, i found ways how to act for him to feel comfortable (be calm and listen, don't say much, but say that i'm sorry for you and try to convey that emotion, don't touch) and i think i've managed to do that now. his feelings still affect me deeply.

    nowadays i usually keep my feelings to myself and try not to get so affected by his. i have these moments sometimes that i get overwhelmed with emotion, but then i just go to bed and lie there for as long as it takes for it to pass. i don't know how he feels about all this, though, because i have this feeling that he's disappointed in me, but i don't know how to fix that.

    i just feel like nothing i did made any difference. there was always another thing to complain about and i don't understand why he complains to me, if he doesn't want me to do anything, or make him feel better?

  10. #10
    Senior Member BlueFlame's Avatar
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    I think I see what you're getting at, maybe.
    I know being a highly emotional being, I really need someone unflappable, realistic, and steady to be able to turn to when I'm in a slump. I'm not particularly interested in wallowing, so someone who who takes all the lows with me would
    1)Make me feel guilty and then feel guilty himself
    and
    2)Not do either of us any good

    I'm not really sure I can give you any advice that would actually work for you unless you have a good sense of Fe, except that it may very well get better when you move in together, and that your extreme empathy will only affect her if she sees it. You're an INTP, for goodness sake! Compartmentalize or something! Note how you sound or appear when you feel down and how you sound or appear when you're up and fake it!!! I don't think there's any going back once you're on the roller coaster!

    ~*79% Extraverted*~
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