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  1. #1
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Default Taking things personally

    How do I make it stop?

    I'm actually pretty good about not taking things personally in most scenarios. If trust has been established, then there is little that can be said or done to hurt me. Also, if the person's opinion is not relevant, if they aren't on my radar to build trust, then it also doesn't matter.

    Okay, when it can matter? When there is someone I want to trust, someone I admire, but don't have a sense of their reciprocation. In that case my old instincts of assuming rejection peek their ugly little heads. This could be in part temperament, but it is moreso the result of environment. I experienced types of rejection that replay themselves in my mind. I also struggle with figuring out how to connect to the people I would like to connect to. I typically remain open to multiple possible explanations, but will emotionally prepare for the worst one. I want to reign this in, so that it is no longer a distraction. Have any of you successfully reigned in these particular negative thoughts? If so, what was your strategy?
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  2. #2
    Oberon
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    Relationships require risk. It comes with the territory. It can't be eliminated, only managed... and it sounds like you're not doing a bad job at that.

  3. #3
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by oberon View Post
    Relationships require risk. It comes with the territory. It can't be eliminated, only managed... and it sounds like you're not doing a bad job at that.
    I take everything Oberon says personally... but I've learned to just ignore him.

    ... real answer coming later...
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    How do I make it stop?

    I'm actually pretty good about not taking things personally in most scenarios. If trust has been established, then there is little that can be said or done to hurt me. Also, if the person's opinion is not relevant, if they aren't on my radar to build trust, then it also doesn't matter.

    Okay, when it can matter? When there is someone I want to trust, someone I admire, but don't have a sense of their reciprocation. In that case my old instincts of assuming rejection peek their ugly little heads. This could be in part temperament, but it is moreso the result of environment. I experienced types of rejection that replay themselves in my mind. .... I want to reign this in, so that it is no longer a distraction. Have any of you successfully reigned in these particular negative thoughts? If so, what was your strategy?
    Okay, this much is exactly like me.

    This part though:

    I also struggle with figuring out how to connect to the people I would like to connect to. I typically remain open to multiple possible explanations, but will emotionally prepare for the worst one.
    is nothing like me. I don't try to figure out how to connect with people. I either connect with them or I don't. Most people, I don't - though many connect to me and I don't reciprocate (even if I want to). But some people, I either hit it off with straight away or else, after a false start or two, hit it off eventually when something occurs to make it clear that whatever bad blood we thought was between us, was a simple misunderstanding.

    IOW, I find that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and it'll happen whatever the case (connection that is), though sometimes not right now. It's not something you can engineer. I've had people connect to me and try to engineer my connection in return but it's futile. They either do or they don't; I either do or I don't. But just because it's a 'nope' right now, doesn't mean it won't be a 'ohhh actually... I see!" later.

    Just be yourself. Like I say, if it's meant to be, it will - by just continuing to be yourself - if you're confident you're a worthwhile person despite your faults (since everyone has faults), then if you're what they're after, they'll see it sooner or later even if they misapprehend you at first.

    It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it doesn't work at first, but what helps with me is just that, the nil desperandum motto - don't worry, it might get better
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    I also struggle with figuring out how to connect to the people I would like to connect to. I typically remain open to multiple possible explanations, but will emotionally prepare for the worst one. I want to reign this in, so that it is no longer a distraction. Have any of you successfully reigned in these particular negative thoughts? If so, what was your strategy?
    Been there. Still there . not easy. In a nutshell, to hold still a little, and be still vs jumping.

    To let things come to you, and some time to pass, so more information can be gathered, by your senses/intuition, so you're not reacting, but rather acting. Things do become clearer in time, whether your intuition was right, or not.

    Edit: And you learn more about people over time, that lets you gauge how best to connect with them. Or if you want to connect with them or not.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by aelan View Post
    Been there. Still there . not easy. In a nutshell, to hold still a little, and be still vs jumping.

    To let things come to you, and some time to pass, so more information can be gathered, by your senses/intuition, so you're not reacting, but rather acting. Things do become clearer in time, whether your intuition was right, or not.
    Damn you, summed up what I was trying to say in a few lines, way better! No fair!! LOL
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  7. #7
    Boring old fossil Night's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post

    Okay, when it can matter? When there is someone I want to trust, someone I admire, but don't have a sense of their reciprocation. In that case my old instincts of assuming rejection peek their ugly little heads. This could be in part temperament, but it is moreso the result of environment. I experienced types of rejection that replay themselves in my mind. I also struggle with figuring out how to connect to the people I would like to connect to. I typically remain open to multiple possible explanations, but will emotionally prepare for the worst one. I want to reign this in, so that it is no longer a distraction. Have any of you successfully reigned in these particular negative thoughts? If so, what was your strategy?
    It sounds like you are weighing historical obstacles as proportionate indicators of future success. From a logical standpoint, this seems a viable routine. Yet, a multiplicity of nuances (and variety in conceptual fluency) makes this a difficult connection to emotionally make. From environmental factors to genetic heritage, the way people emotionally construct their vision is exceedingly intimate.

    As you are uniquely equipped, Toonia, to appreciate the complexities of emotions (beyond most, I would imagine), it seems likely that your level of sophistication is probably unmatched in those you wish to become closer to. This needn't be a hurdle. Instead, I would work to use your creativity to fuse gaps in perceptual acuity.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Damn you, summed up what I was trying to say in a few lines, way better! No fair!! LOL
    Brevity is the soul of lingerie wit.

  9. #9
    Furry Critter with Claws Kiddo's Avatar
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    Alcohol.

    To be serious, I can't. I take everything personally, even when I know fully well that it has nothing to do with me. It's always my fault. I guess that doesn't make me a very well adjusted INFJ but if I had control over it then I would stop.

    That isn't to say I don't have some partially effective strategies. When I have negative feelings or hunches, I typically demand evidence from myself to support them and that sometimes helps. I think the best strategy I have come up with so far is optimism. I just believe that I'm human and going to make mistakes regardless of what I do, so I should just take it all as a learning experience and get better. I can't control what others feel or think towards me but I can adjust how I think, and knowing I'm trying my best helps to negate some of the negative thoughts. It's sort of a "If people can't accept me for who I am, then that is their problem" type of thing. Plus just acknowledging that it's usually all in my head is somewhat effective. But usually I just obsess about it long after everyone else has forgotten.

  10. #10
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    Yeah, Night makes a very good point - your level of emotional sophistication and awareness is far and away beyond anything I encounter in most people and more than I can ever imagine in myself as well.

    For some people, the level of connection you're talking about is some kind of once in a lifetime thing, a holy grail, something they barely even believe is possible. I'm not entirely outside of that category!! For others, it just takes a lot longer, to form that kind of attachment to someone. But for most, it can't be formed just because the other person wants you to. If anything, that kinda makes it worse... cos then the person who isn't connecting to you has to deal (maybe) with guilt about how it hurts you for them to not do it, as though it were a conscious decision of theirs when most of the time, it's not; this may result in resentment.

    Time, that's all. Time and patience.

    heh, non ut dico sed ut facio facite... I give this advice but I don't always follow it myself... so I'm not saying it's easy or anything or that I don't understand the hurt you feel. I still often can't help taking it personally when introverts don't want to see me; when I text to say 'you busy at all today?' and they text back 'why, what do you want?' and I feel totally hurt, like they're saying I only want them for favours, and all I wanted was to go round and have a coffee and a bit of a chat, cos I was lonely and wanted to spend time with someone whose company I enjoy. And they turn me away cos they're busy playing a game or something on their PC. Hard not to take that personally/get hurt by it, no matter how much I understand the introvert 'me time' thing.
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

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