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  1. #11
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    is nothing like me. I don't try to figure out how to connect with people. I either connect with them or I don't. Most people, I don't - though many connect to me and I don't reciprocate (even if I want to). But some people, I either hit it off with straight away or else, after a false start or two, hit it off eventually when something occurs to make it clear that whatever bad blood we thought was between us, was a simple misunderstanding.

    IOW, I find that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and it'll happen whatever the case (connection that is), though sometimes not right now. It's not something you can engineer. I've had people connect to me and try to engineer my connection in return but it's futile. They either do or they don't; I either do or I don't. But just because it's a 'nope' right now, doesn't mean it won't be a 'ohhh actually... I see!" later.

    Just be yourself. Like I say, if it's meant to be, it will - by just continuing to be yourself - if you're confident you're a worthwhile person despite your faults (since everyone has faults), then if you're what they're after, they'll see it sooner or later even if they misapprehend you at first.

    It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it doesn't work at first, but what helps with me is just that, the nil desperandum motto - don't worry, it might get better
    This is more of an Introvert/Extrovert difference than an ideological one. I can encounter someone that I do connect with, but am a bit of a social dork to know how to negotiate it. It is very often with another introvert. I end up just admiring from afar interspersed with a few feeble attempts at friendship that rarely pan out. It is important to me to "just be myself", and anything else is scarcely an option. Beyond that there are social games and requirements that aren't second nature. That is my struggle. Being myself means just waiting to be approached, which doesn't happen.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  2. #12
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    ... I experienced types of rejection that replay themselves in my mind....Have any of you successfully reigned in these particular negative thoughts? If so, what was your strategy?
    I can really relate to your dilemma. I used to carry around the wounds of past rejection in my heart. Whenever I was rejected anew, it wasn't just a new experience, it was a re-opening of the past wounds. Usually the people around me would be shocked at my over-reaction to the current situation because they didn't know about the pain I carried.

    This is very difficult to overcome because you have to remember the past offense that hurt you before you can deal with it. Once it's remembered, in a nutshell, it must be grieved, and finally the person/s who hurt you must be forgiven.

    This is the only way I know of that works. I have been healed of many wounds in my heart this way. But it's hard work, and usually there's no one who understands, no one to talk to; you're just all alone, which makes it feel worse.

    When a big issue comes up that I realize I have to deal with, I go to the library to get books that will give me factual information about my problem. The last time I did this was when I had to face the pain of how my mother always dealt with me with anger. I thumb through the books to see which ones I feel like will be helpful to me.

    I read them. I take notes. I journal about my thoughts and feelings. I cry. I pray. I grieve. I forgive. I am healed. My reactions change.
    (It usually takes a couple of weeks of concentrated effort for me - but I am brutally honest. People who won't face the truth or want to keep making excuses or live in denial may take longer, or not be helped at all.)

  3. #13
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    This is more of an Introvert/Extrovert difference than an ideological one. I can encounter someone that I do connect with, but am a bit of a social dork to know how to negotiate it. It is very often with another introvert. I end up just admiring from afar interspersed with a few feeble attempts at friendship that rarely pan out. It is important to me to "just be myself", and anything else is scarcely an option. Beyond that there are social games and requirements that aren't second nature. That is my struggle. Being myself means just waiting to be approached, which doesn't happen.
    hmm..I can relate to this. Especially the part of 'being myself means just waiting to be approached, which doesn't happen.'

    It's even more of a problem with dating for me. Oh, if only reality was like the movies where the quiet girl reading a book in the corner in a coffee shop is actually approached by a charming, inquisitive, intellectual, passionate, dashing young man....hehe...doesn't happen. :-) Methinks MANY people are waiting....rather than initiating. Because I think many people WANT to be the one who is pursued/approached. I would think it would be flattering to anyone. So I've started to try to initiate a bit more, even though I'd prefer to 'be myself' by staying more quiet in my own little world, and waiting to be approached/sought after.

    I also find it's hard for me to develop friendships in the 'real world', as a single 29-yr old woman, where many people my age are already married, already starting their own families, and don't have 'time' or don't prioritize friendships/connections outside their immediate family. It certainly has happened, but whereas in college a friendship may have budded immediately, because you're in a contained environment where for all intents and purposes everyone is at the exact same point in their lives, now that I'm out of that contained setting, I find my friendships take 2-4 years to fully develop. The first year might just be 'hanging out' maybe once every two months, so that I wonder whether anything will truly deepen. But, in a few cases, it has worked out for me. I just find it takes a lot more TIME, and the opportunities for connection, where others are actually in a similar place where they are OPEN to making new connections....seems more rare.

    I don't have an answer either. I struggle with this a lot. Wanting those connections, not knowing how/'where' to find them. I'm definitely getting better about getting off of my 'pride wagon' (because for me, a bit of it is possibly pride) and initiating conversation with others, rather than waiting for them to act interested in me. Getting over others seemingly not interested in who I am and wanting to get to know me, and me becoming more extroverted to turn the table, and try to activate a relationship rather than leaving it to chance. (although I agree w/ substitute and others that there's only so much you can do - the other person has to respond in kind as well; no use forcing something that doesn't flow naturally, and that isn't ultimately mutual between BOTH parties).

  4. #14
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    That is my struggle. Being myself means just waiting to be approached, which doesn't happen.
    Ah, I understand. No that's not unique to introverts - I often feel the same way, it's not always easy for me to approach people, often the more I respect to them and the more their respect means to me, the harder it is to approach them cos of all the second-guessing, contingency distaster predicting habits you describe above. If you think introverts have it bad socially, spare a thought for the poor ENTP who haplessly blurts out the most bizarre and stupid crap before he even knows he thought it, creating seemingly irreparable images of himself as a buffoon, an idiot, a bimbo, whatever, and not worthy of serious respect or consideration!!

    Yeah, I guess I have to force myself to approach sometimes, but then I tend to be able to think of that as part of me, part of being myself - that I force myself to do things that I know are necessary even when I'm scared and uncomfy with them. And then once I've approached and somehow the ice gets broken... it tends to, more often than not... and then be yourself!

    Quote Originally Posted by cascademn View Post
    Oh, if only reality was like the movies where the quiet girl reading a book in the corner in a coffee shop is actually approached by a charming, inquisitive, intellectual, passionate, dashing young man....hehe...doesn't happen.
    It does - I've done it a few times. The result in reality tends more often than not for the girl to ignore the guy; to think he's creepy; to edge away whilst politely making excuses as to why she has to go now; otherwise generally not responding in a way that the guy can construe as meaning his approach was welcome!!! And I'm no Tom Cruise, but I know I'm not ugly and I don't smell! So many guys who do this, learn pretty early on not to do it, even if they want to. Even so, I still chance it occasionally.
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  5. #15
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    ...For some people, the level of connection you're talking about is some kind of once in a lifetime thing, a holy grail, something they barely even believe is possible. I'm not entirely outside of that category!! For others, it just takes a lot longer, to form that kind of attachment to someone. But for most, it can't be formed just because the other person wants you to. If anything, that kinda makes it worse... cos then the person who isn't connecting to you has to deal (maybe) with guilt about how it hurts you for them to not do it, as though it were a conscious decision of theirs when most of the time, it's not; this may result in resentment...
    That was important for me to pay attention to read. I loathe to pressure people, but that would be an inadvertent kind of pressure that yes, i can see happening. I guess that is the time to kick in the whole "letting go" focus. What can happen though, is a connection begins and then changes unexpectedly which I understand better in the context of what you are saying.

    Thanks, Night, for you comments as well. Very helpful and insightful.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  6. #16
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    I can really relate to your dilemma. I used to carry around the wounds of past rejection in my heart. Whenever I was rejected anew, it wasn't just a new experience, it was a re-opening of the past wounds. Usually the people around me would be shocked at my over-reaction to the current situation because they didn't know about the pain I carried.

    This is very difficult to overcome because you have to remember the past offense that hurt you before you can deal with it. Once it's remembered, in a nutshell, it must be grieved, and finally the person/s who hurt you must be forgiven.

    This is the only way I know of that works. I have been healed of many wounds in my heart this way. But it's hard work, and usually there's no one who understands, no one to talk to; you're just all alone, which makes it feel worse.

    When a big issue comes up that I realize I have to deal with, I go to the library to get books that will give me factual information about my problem. The last time I did this was when I had to face the pain of how my mother always dealt with me with anger. I thumb through the books to see which ones I feel like will be helpful to me.

    I read them. I take notes. I journal about my thoughts and feelings. I cry. I pray. I grieve. I forgive. I am healed. My reactions change.
    (It usually takes a couple of weeks of concentrated effort for me - but I am brutally honest. People who won't face the truth or want to keep making excuses or live in denial may take longer, or not be helped at all.)
    Yeah, I'm in the middle of this sort of thing. I have a strong set of theme-and-variations in my life related to neglect. This is from many different sorts of angles, and taking up the whole history of my life. I've learned to tolerate a significant amount it with some grace. This creates a character flaw. I need to be seen, but if I accidentally pressure someone, I am morbidly disappointed in myself. I need to realize it's alright for me to make that particular mistake. I can apologize for it without rejecting my own failing - or maybe stop seeing it as a failing?
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  7. #17
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Yeah, I'm in the middle of this sort of thing. I have a strong set of theme-and-variations in my life related to neglect. This is from many different sorts of angles, and taking up the whole history of my life. I've learned to tolerate a significant amount it with some grace. This creates a character flaw. I need to be seen, but if I accidentally pressure someone, I am morbidly disappointed in myself. I need to realize it's alright for me to make that particular mistake. I can apologize for it without rejecting my own failing - or maybe stop seeing it as a failing?
    I so know what you mean. I do the same thing. It makes me cringe. I'm learning to accept that that's life. I'm not perfect - though I want to try to be.

  8. #18
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Yeah, it's not so much a failing or flaw, as an occasional side effect of a strong/good quality of yours: your sincerity and genuine concern.
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

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