Cloudblue
Amazing Spambot!
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2009
- Messages
- 152
- MBTI Type
- INfP
- Enneagram
- 9
The last 1 1/2 years,have been a hard one for me,and since then I feel increase in sadness...
Ive just gone to high school.The first year I was there I felt happy at first.Imagine going to one of best high schools in my area. It was an early college school, and like many, it was small. The building itself was also, it had no auditorium, no use of the library even though there was one inside the school, and the windows were a little small. I would stay 2 years inside that building, then go the college that sponsored it to continue my schooling.
I soon found out, none of my friends went to the school, so I was going alone... and I also found out the school was not what I´d thought it would be, It had good education, but I wanted more... I tried to transfer...
I tried to transfer, but the the department involved in school transfers said I could´t, I was stuck there... With that in mind I was sad I could not go to perhaps a better school, with more clubs or programs I could do, but I was out of luck.
I wasn't making any true friends in that year... I felt no connection with the students in my grade. I feeling of aloneness was hanging on my back like a ghost, and I learned to endure it. I would cry sometimes, but still sometimes it helped.I would, however, get a feeling of joy when I visited my friends from a lower grade in middle school at the library near the school I used to visit. I knew in time,they would graduate too, and they wouldn't be there anyone, I had to find a way to let go.
to make matters worse, I was worrying about my mother.I feel she was keeping contact with someone who was stressing her out. When he moved into our 1 ROOM APARTMENT, I feel displaced. I didnt really like him, I didnt expect him to be my stepfather too. He never took me out anywhere, he was argumentative, and took advantage of my mother to the point where she directing most of her attention to him sometimes. She still has some doctors appointments to work out for me, and she still has not worked them out.
I was living in the same house, with someone I didn't even like. It increased my sadness even more and it was showing in my grades. One day my 9th grade math teacher called my mother, and my mother came up and screamed at me. I was stunned, upset and angry at the same time. I knew when I left that building into the car, she would beat me and scream at me more... just thinking about it that day made me want to cry... so I finally broke inside the global studies room. My global teacher told me not to worry about those kind of problems and to worry about my own. To give my global studies teacher a sign not to worry about me, I laughed, even though I was still sad and walked out the building and into the car, were I broke down again this time in rage. Then a third time at my grandmother´s house. After that day, my mom made some promises to start helping out more... and those promises were later swept under the rug in a few months...
After the first year of high school, I started to ignore what was going on between my mother and her roommate, I never went back to that library again and in summer vacation I stayed mostly at my grandmother´s house, resting. I was reluctant to go to my own home, because I knew what I would encounter... In last month of my vacation I went to Jamaica with my grandmother. I would go to the now renovated island house of my grandmother´s. It was restful, even though on some days my extended family there would never call, and my grandmother would feel unappreciated by her sisters and their family there. After all, most times they come they always want something from her.
So, I went back to school, missing the first day. And again I felt depressed, It was the same, nothing has changed. I still have little or no friends, I don't even know anymore. Am still uneasy in my own home and am still feel lonely... In my winter break,when my grandmother left her apartment for vacation in Jamaica for 4 weeks. I stayed there, alone for 1 week, even through new years. At least my mother came back and forth to see me, bring food and mess up the place. During my stay alone, in that empty apartment, I kind of liked it, I knew that it was bad sign to be reclusive like this, but I still liked it. I had to the computer, the bed and everything to myself. It was a place to escape from the world that was now in ruin. Sleeping would be a way to escape for me too, sometimes on the weekends I cant up from bed. I would stay up at unusual hours and sleep for sometimes 12 hours... half a day... and in that winter vacation, I would not do anything, not even the work I given from school...
So with that, I have come to a forum for help...to anyone who has bothered to read this post,thank you.
And don´t worry, am not going to kill myself... Its not the solution to the problem...
Ive just gone to high school.The first year I was there I felt happy at first.Imagine going to one of best high schools in my area. It was an early college school, and like many, it was small. The building itself was also, it had no auditorium, no use of the library even though there was one inside the school, and the windows were a little small. I would stay 2 years inside that building, then go the college that sponsored it to continue my schooling.
I soon found out, none of my friends went to the school, so I was going alone... and I also found out the school was not what I´d thought it would be, It had good education, but I wanted more... I tried to transfer...
I tried to transfer, but the the department involved in school transfers said I could´t, I was stuck there... With that in mind I was sad I could not go to perhaps a better school, with more clubs or programs I could do, but I was out of luck.
I wasn't making any true friends in that year... I felt no connection with the students in my grade. I feeling of aloneness was hanging on my back like a ghost, and I learned to endure it. I would cry sometimes, but still sometimes it helped.I would, however, get a feeling of joy when I visited my friends from a lower grade in middle school at the library near the school I used to visit. I knew in time,they would graduate too, and they wouldn't be there anyone, I had to find a way to let go.
to make matters worse, I was worrying about my mother.I feel she was keeping contact with someone who was stressing her out. When he moved into our 1 ROOM APARTMENT, I feel displaced. I didnt really like him, I didnt expect him to be my stepfather too. He never took me out anywhere, he was argumentative, and took advantage of my mother to the point where she directing most of her attention to him sometimes. She still has some doctors appointments to work out for me, and she still has not worked them out.
I was living in the same house, with someone I didn't even like. It increased my sadness even more and it was showing in my grades. One day my 9th grade math teacher called my mother, and my mother came up and screamed at me. I was stunned, upset and angry at the same time. I knew when I left that building into the car, she would beat me and scream at me more... just thinking about it that day made me want to cry... so I finally broke inside the global studies room. My global teacher told me not to worry about those kind of problems and to worry about my own. To give my global studies teacher a sign not to worry about me, I laughed, even though I was still sad and walked out the building and into the car, were I broke down again this time in rage. Then a third time at my grandmother´s house. After that day, my mom made some promises to start helping out more... and those promises were later swept under the rug in a few months...
After the first year of high school, I started to ignore what was going on between my mother and her roommate, I never went back to that library again and in summer vacation I stayed mostly at my grandmother´s house, resting. I was reluctant to go to my own home, because I knew what I would encounter... In last month of my vacation I went to Jamaica with my grandmother. I would go to the now renovated island house of my grandmother´s. It was restful, even though on some days my extended family there would never call, and my grandmother would feel unappreciated by her sisters and their family there. After all, most times they come they always want something from her.
So, I went back to school, missing the first day. And again I felt depressed, It was the same, nothing has changed. I still have little or no friends, I don't even know anymore. Am still uneasy in my own home and am still feel lonely... In my winter break,when my grandmother left her apartment for vacation in Jamaica for 4 weeks. I stayed there, alone for 1 week, even through new years. At least my mother came back and forth to see me, bring food and mess up the place. During my stay alone, in that empty apartment, I kind of liked it, I knew that it was bad sign to be reclusive like this, but I still liked it. I had to the computer, the bed and everything to myself. It was a place to escape from the world that was now in ruin. Sleeping would be a way to escape for me too, sometimes on the weekends I cant up from bed. I would stay up at unusual hours and sleep for sometimes 12 hours... half a day... and in that winter vacation, I would not do anything, not even the work I given from school...
So with that, I have come to a forum for help...to anyone who has bothered to read this post,thank you.
And don´t worry, am not going to kill myself... Its not the solution to the problem...
