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Thread: Sadness...

  1. #1
    Amazing Spambot! Cloudblue's Avatar
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    Default Sadness...

    The last 1 1/2 years,have been a hard one for me,and since then I feel increase in sadness...

    Ive just gone to high school.The first year I was there I felt happy at first.Imagine going to one of best high schools in my area. It was an early college school, and like many, it was small. The building itself was also, it had no auditorium, no use of the library even though there was one inside the school, and the windows were a little small. I would stay 2 years inside that building, then go the college that sponsored it to continue my schooling.

    I soon found out, none of my friends went to the school, so I was going alone... and I also found out the school was not what I´d thought it would be, It had good education, but I wanted more... I tried to transfer...

    I tried to transfer, but the the department involved in school transfers said I could´t, I was stuck there... With that in mind I was sad I could not go to perhaps a better school, with more clubs or programs I could do, but I was out of luck.

    I wasn't making any true friends in that year... I felt no connection with the students in my grade. I feeling of aloneness was hanging on my back like a ghost, and I learned to endure it. I would cry sometimes, but still sometimes it helped.I would, however, get a feeling of joy when I visited my friends from a lower grade in middle school at the library near the school I used to visit. I knew in time,they would graduate too, and they wouldn't be there anyone, I had to find a way to let go.

    to make matters worse, I was worrying about my mother.I feel she was keeping contact with someone who was stressing her out. When he moved into our 1 ROOM APARTMENT, I feel displaced. I didnt really like him, I didnt expect him to be my stepfather too. He never took me out anywhere, he was argumentative, and took advantage of my mother to the point where she directing most of her attention to him sometimes. She still has some doctors appointments to work out for me, and she still has not worked them out.

    I was living in the same house, with someone I didn't even like. It increased my sadness even more and it was showing in my grades. One day my 9th grade math teacher called my mother, and my mother came up and screamed at me. I was stunned, upset and angry at the same time. I knew when I left that building into the car, she would beat me and scream at me more... just thinking about it that day made me want to cry... so I finally broke inside the global studies room. My global teacher told me not to worry about those kind of problems and to worry about my own. To give my global studies teacher a sign not to worry about me, I laughed, even though I was still sad and walked out the building and into the car, were I broke down again this time in rage. Then a third time at my grandmother´s house. After that day, my mom made some promises to start helping out more... and those promises were later swept under the rug in a few months...

    After the first year of high school, I started to ignore what was going on between my mother and her roommate, I never went back to that library again and in summer vacation I stayed mostly at my grandmother´s house, resting. I was reluctant to go to my own home, because I knew what I would encounter... In last month of my vacation I went to Jamaica with my grandmother. I would go to the now renovated island house of my grandmother´s. It was restful, even though on some days my extended family there would never call, and my grandmother would feel unappreciated by her sisters and their family there. After all, most times they come they always want something from her.

    So, I went back to school, missing the first day. And again I felt depressed, It was the same, nothing has changed. I still have little or no friends, I don't even know anymore. Am still uneasy in my own home and am still feel lonely... In my winter break,when my grandmother left her apartment for vacation in Jamaica for 4 weeks. I stayed there, alone for 1 week, even through new years. At least my mother came back and forth to see me, bring food and mess up the place. During my stay alone, in that empty apartment, I kind of liked it, I knew that it was bad sign to be reclusive like this, but I still liked it. I had to the computer, the bed and everything to myself. It was a place to escape from the world that was now in ruin. Sleeping would be a way to escape for me too, sometimes on the weekends I cant up from bed. I would stay up at unusual hours and sleep for sometimes 12 hours... half a day... and in that winter vacation, I would not do anything, not even the work I given from school...

    So with that, I have come to a forum for help...to anyone who has bothered to read this post,thank you.
    And don´t worry, am not going to kill myself... Its not the solution to the problem...
    Kindblue,from globalchatter...
    And still wonders were it has gone...

  2. #2
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    oh cloudblue....i'm so sorry you're having such the rough time. my suggestion is to just remember that everyone at some point or another finds themselves in an undesirable circumstance or situation. remember it's temporary and it's just this chapter...the story gets better...keep the happy ending in mind and take it one day at a time...let go of things you cannot control and control those you can...kids with no toys play with sticks...use your imagination...dream of a happier future and do what you can now to get by until that time comes.

    that likely wasn't helpful at all...sorry bout that but i do think if you look hard enough within you'll find some peace and happiness ((((((hugs to ya)))))))
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  3. #3
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Sounds pretty heavy. Hopefully the forum can help you find something to laugh about again.

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    Senior Member milkyway2's Avatar
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    I felt like you. Depression is closely related to a feeling of helplessness. When you feel like you are in a situation where you can't change anything and everything just sucks...

    I haven't been depressed for longer than a day or two for a few years now.. What helped me is gaining control of my mind and life. I figured out that I needed to find out who I was. What I like to do. What I really want to do, no matter what anyone else says. I was living my life trying to do what other people did that made them happy. And constantly trying to make other people happy. And it wasn't making me happy. I can't say now that I completely know who I am and what I want and what I'm going to do in life. But I have come to a point where I'm happy with who I am and what I'm doing---and I got myself here.

    I hope this helps you

  5. #5
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    Is there any way you could live with your grandmother and go to a school in her neighborhood?


  6. #6
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    i can imagine how you're feeling. i don't know if this helps at this point, but i've been there, too... of course i really have no idea what you're experiencing, but i also got depressed as i moved away from home at 19. now in retrospect i think it was a part of a growing up process for me. it was just something i had to go through and it happened for many reasons, i suppose. you've had many changes going on in your life, right? and those changes have made you feel unsure and negative?

    you know... the only thing i can say from my experience is that it'll pass. sometimes we need to "disconnect" for a while to recharge the batteries. what i'd like to say to you, though, would be that don't close yourself up for too long. try to manage with everyday things/ school and try to meet people. don't worry too much. it's just a crossroads, not a deadend...

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    Senior Member Eckhart's Avatar
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    I am sorry to hear about your situation, even though I don't know you, but I know what it is to be depressed. Actually it has become so "normal" to me in the last years that I think it shaped good parts of my personality. Maybe I am therefore not the best to try for help (since I didn't really overcome this situation yet), but I try nevertheless

    I will not make the promise that things become necesarily better soon (id est in few months). However there is always hope, and as long as there is hope, there is always the worth to not give up. I know it sounds stupid, but try to see your Situation both as a challenge and chance to grow as a personality. Think about things, learn about things, but mostly about yourself and other people. Take both the time to feel the sad an the good moments intense.

    It is sure not the easy way most other people seem to have (maybe kinda ignorant thinking from me, but I think it is safe to say that some people have minor problems in their life time than others), but you can be proud of overcoming your situation and having experiences to make you really unique, because depression makes you think about things, and thinking about things shapes your thinking and therefore your personality. It might at the end seperate you even more from the shallowminded, maybe sometimes even from others, but ultimately you may shape to a person who knows both the ups and downs of life. You might be having moments where you are very negative (I do have so), but from my own experience I would say you also learn to feel positive with minor things. So it is not only bad things in life. If everything goes right and don't let the sadness devour you, you can come out as the same good or even better person than you was before I think.

    I don't know whether what I said helps, i kinda got lost in my own words while writing on this small mobile device (therefore the typos). Just never loose hope, as life has to offer not only bad; and if it is sometimes just the luxury to have the chance to think and reflect for yourself - something which many not seem to have been found out for themselves


    edit: I corrected my post now a bit after sleep and coming to my desktop PC, maybe now easier to read.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    I feel for you.

    It is hard as a young person because your life is not completely in your hands yet and there are many things out of your control. I had a rough time also, different from you but it was hard, when I was growing up. I would also sleep a lot if there was nothing I could do to change things and I couldn't tolerate it.

    What helped me was thinking in the long-term, e.g. ok, this sucks, but these are the things I want to achieve, I want to be happy, these are my dreams, this is what I want, this is what I don't want, I will have to tolerate these things for about the next 15 years but if I do, this is the pay-off. If you protect your integrity especially, nothing and no one can touch you 20 years from now.
    the shoheen ho of the wind of the west and the lulla lo of the soft sea billow - Alfred Graves

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