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  1. #1
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    Default Problem with assertiveness

    Hi,
    I have a problem with assertiveness.
    I have usually a lot of anger inside, and I am aware of it.
    But in 80% I suppress it for not being ill-mannered or have issues with others, but that's leads me sometimes to some anxiety/depression and somatization disorders.
    But I have a 20% that I have great outburst with verbally aggression, usually when strongly provoked/invaded in my personal/family matters or when I feel exploited/disrespected by others.

    So, anyone has problems with assertiveness?
    How could I learn to be more assertive and stop switching continuously from passivity and aggressiveness?

    Thanks.

  2. #2
    Alexander the Terrible yenom's Avatar
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    I can understand.

    Sometimes I keep so much thoughts and emotions bottled up inside me that they make no sense at all. It is especially common for introverts. Then one day, things you suppress inside you will erupt like a volcano.
    I used to have this problem. I still have it now but its getting better.

    Find a psychologist to talk to is one method to resolve it.
    A second method is find ways to release your anger, like buy a punching bag, or play a contact sport like Karate.
    Find someone to talk to, don't keep everything to yourself.
    Develop the courage to talk, overcome your fear of talking and self-expression.
    Release your anger, don't be afraid of it, speak it out. The more you fear it, the more you suppress it.
    Write a journal, and write down things you are afraid to express and keep inside. Find the opportunity to express it.
    The fear of poverty turns people into slaves of money.

    "In this Caesar there are many Mariuses"~Sulla

    Conquer your inner demons first before you conquer the world.

  3. #3
    Ruler of the Stars Asterion's Avatar
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    There has to be something that triggers your anger. It's likely that you're focusing on a thought/feeling to much. Work out the trigger. Then you just need to let go, acknowledge that you feel that way, and then do something about it. I've done this on the rare occasion, and it's almost paralysing. I don't tend to explode or anything, it just feels really bad to the point that I become a mute.
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  4. #4
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    You just have to do it, and it will become less uncomfortable and eventually habitual.

    Here is a creative activity for you:

    Next time your aggression is triggered, type out your aggressive thoughts, look over it, and delete everything but the main point.

    The main point will usually be something that happened that failed to meet your expectations.

    And ask for it. Bare bones.

  5. #5
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    Thank you very much for suggestions! I will try to work through...
    Maybe if I overcome my fears and start being more assertive with people, if the firsts times it can be unconfortable, then with "practice" I could really feel better. I hope!

  6. #6
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    Just keep at it. It's a real good thing that you are aware of the problem. Now you can work on it. Recognize whenever you feel a need to assert yourself and don't question your gut, just assert yourself. It will probably feel uncomfortable at first. But with time, this will become easier and more of a reflex to things that affect you in a negative way. It takes practice to work in a new habit, but when it's done it's there.

    disregard gave an excellent tip. Focus on, what I call "the sick point", and demand something better. You don't have to be rude about it, but stand your ground and make your point. This will reduce a lot of the frustration that comes from being "silented". Especially by yourself.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    For me, the 'aggressiveness' stopped when I learned to become more assertive at times when I felt passive. More and more I find, when something bothers me that I speak my mind immediately because if something is just a small issue it can be resolved easily and it won't escalate.
    (removed)

  8. #8
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    For me, the 'aggressiveness' stopped when I learned to become more assertive at times when I felt passive. More and more I find, when something bothers me that I speak my mind immediately because if something is just a small issue it can be resolved easily and it won't escalate.
    Exactly. Speak up, everytime you feel you have been wronged or treated unfairly. At least in the beginning to build in the habit and get rid of the initial fear (which really only comes from not being used to do it). Once that barrier is broken, you can start to pick your battles without letting anger build up inside you and eventually exploding in your face.

  9. #9
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Shimmy and SnP have good advice, and being a relatively passive person myself, I can understand your issue.

    If the above advice doesn't help, you can do what I did and start dating an ExTJ.



  10. #10
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    If the above advice doesn't help, you can do what I did and start dating an ExTJ.
    "JocktheMotie, asserting himself since 2002!"

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