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  1. #1
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Default My response to negative emotion.

    I've noticed that if I've mentally established a person as no longer being a friend, or haven't established any sort of friendship towards them, and they express negative emotions towards me, it doesn't affect me. Well, it can affect me if I'm concerned that they're in a position to make me look bad and affect my relationships with people I do care about, but I don't feel any concern for them.

    Also, if I am friends with a person, and I realize that a situation is going badly, sometimes I just halt my emotions in mid-process, and try to determine how much I value the person in general, and whether anything they've done has made me stop valuing them. If I decide that I still value them, I decide to not be affected by all the negative statements already made towards me, ignore any further slights on their part for the rest of the situation, and simply say whatever I have to say to mitigate their negative response to whatever happened. If nothing seems to work, sometimes I just avoid them for a while, and hope they can deal with it better later on. If I decide that I don't value them anymore, then I just start ignoring them completely, responding in a very minimal and neutral/formal way if I'm forced to interact with them.

    Is this unusual? It seems to be from what I've gathered...

  2. #2
    Mamma said knock you out Mempy's Avatar
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    I'd have to agree. If someone's being a dead weight, a damper, or negative towards me, I evaluate how much I value them overall. If it's not that much, I do stop spending as much time with them, minimize our contact, and just generally avoid and/or ignore them. If they mean nothing to me and give me no joy, what use are they to me? No, I agree completely there.

    And also, even negative opinions of those I care about don't bother me, per se. I evaluate all criticisms objectively for their validity, if I can, and decide whether or not the criticism is accurate. I either conclude that the criticism is accurate and plan to work on it, or that the critic is uninformed or unintelligent and brush the criticism off. Naturally, friends' opinions immediately carry more weight, because I don't keep unintelligent or presumptuous friends.
    Last edited by Mempy; 11-24-2007 at 04:38 PM.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Sandy's Avatar
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    For me, any kind of negative emotion is painful. As I have gotten older, I am getting better at handling it (pretending that it doesn't bother me). But for the most part, it all hurts, and I wish it didn't.
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  4. #4
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Well athenian, I dunno whether your response is normal, but I must say it kinda scares me.

    For me, the overriding response is always first of all, curiosity. I want to discover and understand why they feel that way, what I did and why it offended them, and it's completely intellectualized with zero emotional involvement on my side. I can sometimes get frustrated and annoyed later if they're unreasonable and unforgiving when I try to explain myself and/or apologize, but often it's more a case of wanting to clear my name, than caring too much what they think of me, unless it's someone I've "given the keys", so to speak - i.e. categorized as one of the very few people whose opinions I trust enough to use them as a sorta barometer against which I measure my self-opinion to see how it compares to reality.

    Even then though, I tend to still resist the urge to get down and hurt about it, and focus instead on fixing it, working on myself to show them they were wrong (if they were) or that I took it on board and improved, if they were right.

    What you describe athenian, if I were dealing with you and knew that was how you worked, it'd make me feel very much on edge and unable to relax with you at all, or trust you. I'd find it hard not to think of your opinion of me as being 'dust in the wind' and subject to seemingly arbitrary factors, and I'd probably just give up trying to please you. Constancy, for me, is an extremely important quality in someone I deal closely with, and I need to know that someone isn't going to go cold on me just because I screw up from time to time. I need to have screw-up space
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

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  5. #5
    Furry Critter with Claws Kiddo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by athenian200 View Post
    I've noticed that if I've mentally established a person as no longer being a friend, or haven't established any sort of friendship towards them, and they express negative emotions towards me, it doesn't affect me. Well, it can affect me if I'm concerned that they're in a position to make me look bad and affect my relationships with people I do care about, but I don't feel any concern for them.

    Also, if I am friends with a person, and I realize that a situation is going badly, sometimes I just halt my emotions in mid-process, and try to determine how much I value the person in general, and whether anything they've done has made me stop valuing them. If I decide that I still value them, I decide to not be affected by all the negative statements already made towards me, ignore any further slights on their part for the rest of the situation, and simply say whatever I have to say to mitigate their negative response to whatever happened. If nothing seems to work, sometimes I just avoid them for a while, and hope they can deal with it better later on. If I decide that I don't value them anymore, then I just start ignoring them completely, responding in a very minimal and neutral/formal way if I'm forced to interact with them.

    Is this unusual? It seems to be from what I've gathered...
    I dunno. My initial response is to try to change how people feel about me. If I'm in a position where they can constantly make me feel bad, then I'll withdraw until I finally explode. But to be honest, I value everyone, even the anonymous people on these forums. Anyone's opinion has merit and I would want to understand it to the best of my ability. However, there are members in my family who I value highly, and yet I don't give a rat's ass what they have to say about me. I choose to not value their opinion of me because I know they are only seeing part of the picture. But as far as trying to determine how much I value a person; I don't think I really have that ability.

  6. #6
    Senior Member aeon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by athenian200 View Post
    Is this unusual?
    I do not think it is unusual, but it does seem to me to indicate emotional repression and a lack of emotional health.

    I think and feel emotions are not negative until one judges them as such. I value acceptance in this regard in that I need not erect boundary where I would be better served by connection and mutual understanding.

    In my experience, purposefully turning off or ignoring emotions, as well as seeing people as things of worth, is harmful to my person and to my relationship with self and others.


    cheers,
    Ian

  7. #7
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Well athenian, I dunno whether your response is normal, but I must say it kinda scares me.

    For me, the overriding response is always first of all, curiosity. I want to discover and understand why they feel that way, what I did and why it offended them, and it's completely intellectualized with zero emotional involvement on my side. I can sometimes get frustrated and annoyed later if they're unreasonable and unforgiving when I try to explain myself and/or apologize, but often it's more a case of wanting to clear my name, than caring too much what they think of me, unless it's someone I've "given the keys", so to speak - i.e. categorized as one of the very few people whose opinions I trust enough to use them as a sorta barometer against which I measure my self-opinion to see how it compares to reality.


    Even then though, I tend to still resist the urge to get down and hurt about it, and focus instead on fixing it, working on myself to show them they were wrong (if they were) or that I took it on board and improved, if they were right.

    What you describe athenian, if I were dealing with you and knew that was how you worked, it'd make me feel very much on edge and unable to relax with you at all, or trust you. I'd find it hard not to think of your opinion of me as being 'dust in the wind' and subject to seemingly arbitrary factors, and I'd probably just give up trying to please you. Constancy, for me, is an extremely important quality in someone I deal closely with, and I need to know that someone isn't going to go cold on me just because I screw up from time to time. I need to have screw-up space
    Uh, I think you misunderstood. I wouldn't just stop valuing someone because they "screw up," it would have to be something to do with their intent. And remember, this would be a difficult to resolve argument. I would be more likely to try and resolve it if I thought I could reasonably do so. In fact at this point, it was most likely a point of tension resulting from inability to solve the disagreement. Here are examples of things that would cause me to value a person less:

    * Intentionally acting against my interests, especially without regret.

    * Attempting to harm me intentionally.

    * Repeatedly doing things that they are aware will hurt me.

    * Making me look bad in front of other people, especially if it's deliberate and/or more than once.

    * Using my trust in them to help one of my enemies.

    * Using my trust in them to benefit themselves at my expense.

    * If they disagree with something I believe, being unwilling to accept my disagreement, constantly trying to shove their idea down my throat.

    Surely you don't think those things are arbitrary?

  8. #8
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by athenian200 View Post

    Surely you don't think those things are arbitrary?
    No, they're perfectly reasonable - what I thought seemed arbitrary were your criteria for judging whether or not a person actually intended to do those things. Do you actually make a genuine effort to find out from them their intentions and believe them/give them the benefit of the doubt? Or are you inclined more to be suspicious because your hackles are up from the perceived insult? Cos that'd make the difference...

    Sorry, I'm not talking about you as a whole, but just saying it's the impression I'd have to struggle against to keep up my usual benefit-of-the-doubt policy towards people generally

    edit - that one about using your trust in them to benefit enemies... not sure I agree with that one always being a bad thing. What if they're trying to reconcile you with an enemy? what if that 'enemy' was only one through a misunderstanding, and this person is trying to mediate, using both your trust and your enemy's trust in them to put your points of view across to each other, benefiting both of you if it ends in reconciliation?
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  9. #9
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    No, they're perfectly reasonable - what I thought seemed arbitrary were your criteria for judging whether or not a person actually intended to do those things. Do you actually make a genuine effort to find out from them their intentions and believe them/give them the benefit of the doubt? Or are you inclined more to be suspicious because your hackles are up from the perceived insult? Cos that'd make the difference...

    Sorry, I'm not talking about you as a whole, but just saying it's the impression I'd have to struggle against to keep up my usual benefit-of-the-doubt policy towards people generally

    edit - that one about using your trust in them to benefit enemies... not sure I agree with that one always being a bad thing. What if they're trying to reconcile you with an enemy? what if that 'enemy' was only one through a misunderstanding, and this person is trying to mediate, using both your trust and your enemy's trust in them to put your points of view across to each other, benefiting both of you if it ends in reconciliation?
    I can't really trust them for their intentions, they could easily be lying. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt if the situation was such that it seems likely to me that it could have been a mistake, and sometimes I'll even give them another chance if they seem remorseful about it. But honestly, if things like that keep happening, then it means one of three things:

    1. They're just trying to see how many times they can trick me.

    2. They're jinxed, clumsy, and/or incredibly stupid, and are making my life awful.

    3. They have no honor, or else no self-control, and thus can't constrain themselves from doing things that are harmful to me.

    In any case, it means that I can't trust/be their friend anymore. I would likely pity #2 (if I found out that was the case), but can you really expect me to deal with that?

    In that other case... I would have a problem with that, because it would seem like the other person was interfering with my life, presuming to know what I wanted or didn't want, and I would feel offended by that.

    Sorry I seem arbitrary... but I am using Fe as an auxiliary function, and you've complained about similar behavior from such types before. So this shouldn't be a surprise.

  10. #10
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by athenian200 View Post
    I can't really trust them for their intentions, they could easily be lying. ... can you really expect me to deal with that?
    Okay, I can see where you're going there... and that there's not much point going into it atm, cos we're fundamentally different in that regard in that I'm Ne (which tends to trust by default) and you're Ni (which tends not to).

    In that other case... I would have a problem with that, because it would seem like the other person was interfering with my life, presuming to know what I wanted or didn't want, and I would feel offended by that.
    So do you believe that you always know what's best for yourself? You always trust your own judgement, and believe it not to ever be awry/skewed? Heck, I've had it enough times in my life, where I've said the same thing as you there, but it's often turned out that I really didn't know what was best, and the person who was trying their ass off to help me, and who actually DID help me, I've thrown it back in their face with comments just like that - or else, I've resisted a situation that'd bring happiness and harmony in my life where there was tension, just because of that bit of pride there. I just wonder if there's any room for humility in that sort of attitude... I think the majority of us are, when we're stressed or our judgement is skewed, our own worst enemies!

    I just think it's a sorta attitude that means it makes it very hard for people to help you - I mean really help you, not just 'do what you ask' (which isn't always helping, IMO).

    Sorry I seem arbitrary...
    Well, I did say I wasn't judging you as a whole...

    but I am using Fe as an auxiliary function, and you've complained about similar behavior from such types before. So this shouldn't be a surprise.
    Yes... that's true. But sentences like that one are a prime example of why: I made it clear that I wasn't saying I thought you were 'arbitrary', but despite this, you sorta reduce all that sincerity and effort on my part to a personal attack/judgement and some kind of personal grudge/axe to grind.

    Sorry again, I really don't want you to think I'm getting at you, just this stuff really does puzzle me and I really want to understand it and try to get past the bad impressions I've had in the past from the rather unhealthy Fe types I've known. I'm not attacking you as much as trying to 'pick' you for answers that'll help me deal with both you and other people who are similar to you in that regard.
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

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