User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 32

  1. #1
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Enneagram
    1w2
    Posts
    5,514

    Default What do you consider private and public?

    I don't want to derail the http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...d-privacy.html thread, but I'm wondering what do people consider private and secret information? Here are some categories but feel free to add more:

    Messy personal relationships?
    Quality of significant relationships?
    Illnesses (psychological and physical)
    Your sex life?
    Your financial/socioeconomic status?
    Your religious beliefs?
    Your political beliefs?
    Substance (ab)use?

    When having casual and informal conversation, I would like to have specific and concrete examples of what people would consider general information that they'd have no problem talking with others about, what they would consider private, and what your dividing line is between what is public and private. I'm defining casual as being in the company of people you've chosen to (not forced to) be around even if you don't know them very well. For example, would you casually mention how many sex partners you've had, if you've attempted suicide, that you've had an abortion, that you have an STD, how much money you make, your political/religious beliefs, or what your favorite movie is?

    I think a lot of interpersonal communication misfires occur when someone gets too personal too fast, or when someone perceives the other person isn't opening up to them as quickly as they think they should. Basic boundary violations or when there's a feeling an unnecessary boundary is there. I've had people in (unsolicited) explicit detail give me the rundown of what they do sexually with their SO; positions, sounds, noises, smells, liquids and whatnot, but if I ask who they vote for they get indignant, sputtering, and offended so I'm curious what the general sentiment is.

    Also, is time a factor in casually revealing what you consider private information to people, i.e. you still don't know them very well but you've been around them several times?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  2. #2
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    2,808

    Default

    Most of my casual conversations these days are with other mothers at playdates. How self-disclosing I am really depends on how open the other person is with me, the chemistry between us, and the general flow of the conversation.

    I will freely discuss certain issues that have come up along my parenting journey, but I don't typically discuss my parenting style unless someone ask me or they happen to bring up a particular practice, such as spanking or timing out, and ask me how I handle it. I had a lot of great conversations about breast back when I was nursing. I will freely share my experiences with pregnancy, birth, and parenting.

    I'll talk about where I live and where I used to live. I can easily talk about my college experiences and most things concerning my childhood. I'll talk about my likes and dislikes as far as popular entertainment goes, and I'll discuss activities that I enjoy.

    Deaths in my family and career stresses have come up, but it's not typical for me to get deeply into the emotional aspect of how I've dealt with those things.

    In casual context, I rarely discuss:
    My emotions
    marriage & sex life
    finances
    religion
    political standings
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  3. #3
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    1,527

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    When having casual and informal conversation, I would like to have specific and concrete examples of what people would consider general information that they'd have no problem talking with others about, what they would consider private, and what your dividing line is between what is public and private. I'm defining casual as being in the company of people you've chosen to (not forced to) be around even if you don't know them very well. For example, would you casually mention how many sex partners you've had, if you've attempted suicide, that you've had an abortion, that you have an STD, how much money you make, your political/religious beliefs, or what your favorite movie is?
    :horor: I would consider all of the those examples as way too much information for just a casual conversation or a casual acquaintance .

    My dividing line between public and private is solely based on a connection with the other person. Or my intuition. It could be a quick connection or not. It is typically something I have tested or dipped my toe into the water a few times, to ensure that if I'm telling people things about myself I can trust them. I fall into the overly cautious camp, when it comes to people. Even if I have an initial spark with someone, I wait and see how it plays out.

    I think a lot of interpersonal communication misfires occur when someone gets too personal too fast, or when someone perceives the other person isn't opening up to them as quickly as they think they should. Basic boundary violations or when there's a feeling an unnecessary boundary is there. I've had people in (unsolicited) explicit detail give me the rundown of what they do sexually with their SO; positions, sounds, noises, smells, liquids and whatnot, but if I ask who they vote for they get indignant, sputtering, and offended so I'm curious what the general sentiment is.
    Yes, I agree with this. I have had my walls up and I've probably turned off a few friendships. However, if they were going to be the kinds of friendships that I would want anyway, they would have been more patient with me in the first place. They would have respected that need of mine.

    Also, is time a factor in casually revealing what you consider private information to people, i.e. you still don't know them very well but you've been around them several times?
    With me it's not necessarily time. It's that connection. I go through a testing phase but it can be a very quick or a very long dance with someone. With some people there is such a pull that you fall into a more serious relationship faster than would be possible for someone you've known for years. With me it's all based on my intuition as to how fast it goes.

    Messy personal relationships?
    Quality of significant relationships?
    Illnesses (psychological and physical)
    Your sex life?
    Your financial/socioeconomic status?
    Your religious beliefs?
    Your political beliefs?
    Substance (ab)use?
    With all of these, as with everything it seems, I only share when I feel comfort and trust, with and for the other person. Some of that I wouldn't share with anyone at all. I wouldn't tell just a random acquaintance any of that.

    That being said, lots of people are comfortable with telling others things like that. Relationships are based on information sharing leading to a connection. Or an immediate connection that leads to information sharing. So the more open you can be with someone, the deeper the potential of the relationship.
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

  4. #4
    Phantonym
    Guest

    Default

    I can be really open and honest about any kind of information even during casual conversations but I need to reach a certain level of connection with the person I'm having a conversation with. It's all about establishing trust and feeling comfortable with sharing. With some people you just click, it can happen very quickly, with others it will never happen even if you spend a lot of time together. So, it differs greatly with different people. Sometimes it feels that with some people there are absolutely no taboo topics while with others it seems that everything can be considered as taboo.

  5. #5
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    2,808

    Default

    I'll add that time doesn't make much of a difference for me. I don't discuss many of the above topics with some of my closest friends either. Typically, I prefer to not hear the dirty details of people's lives as well. I had a roommate that had the need to tell me about her poop all the time, and two of my best friends tell me every detail of their sex lives. I'll be the listening ear when they're talking, but I rarely say anything or add my own detail.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  6. #6
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Enneagram
    1w2
    Posts
    5,514

    Default

    OK, for those of you saying it depends on the connection, can you please explain to me the nature of the connection? What would make you more likely to quickly self-disclose personal information?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  7. #7
    Senior Member The Outsider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    MBTI
    intp
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx
    Posts
    2,424

    Default

    I prefer not to speak about myself at all, as I am very private. I am more willing to discuss more universal matters, like political views and religion. While my emotional side and psychology are the most hidden topics.

    As for other people, I give them the freedom to do as they please. Share everything or share nothing, it doesn't matter.

  8. #8
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    enfp
    Enneagram
    8
    Posts
    13,877

    Default

    Depends on the audience.

    Messy personal relationships? - This one I probably reveal to people that would not be within any direct contact of that person within 10 years. (As in, I wouldn't so much tell my friends that are mutual friends with this person.. but then I'd talk to my army friends about it or something.)
    Quality of significant relationships? - My sister maybe, and my best friend.
    Illnesses (psychological and physical) - Closer friends, not family.
    Your sex life? - Hah. I'm pretty open with this topic. There are a few things that my old habit of being unnecessarily shy gets in the way of, but to me this isn't such a personal topic to talk about in terms of what has already happened. What is currently happening, however, I may be inclined to keep shut.
    Your financial/socioeconomic status? - This is another thing that I find very easy to open up about in terms of what's happened, but not what's happening. I didn't tell anyone when I was too poor to eat, for example, and being hard-headed. But I don't mind mentioning it now.
    Your religious beliefs? - Very open, as long as I know the audience is not the sort to judge me for it. If I get that vibe, I usually clam up on it, or allow them most of the talking.
    Your political beliefs? - This one I never really get into. If someone asks, I'll answer, but not much more. I've never had a political conversation end pleasently.
    Substance (ab)use? - This is one of those things that I think many people are open about, but I wouldn't be at all. If I were to ever be driven to abuse any substance.. I'd probably keep it extremely quiet.

    "OK, for those of you saying it depends on the connection, can you please explain to me the nature of the connection? What would make you more likely to quickly self-disclose personal information? "

    It's really about evaluating how me, and who I am, will get back to me. Some people love me for who I am, and accept me for that, and when I sense that from people I'm very open about myself. When I feel like the information could be turned against me, or potentially go foul in a situation (taking for example telling mutual friends about a bad relationship.. It puts a new light on that other person, and thus potential drama could commense) I usually shut up about it. Luckily for me, I have a variety of audiences, so I can choose my stage as far as letting things out.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

    Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
    prplchknz: i don't like it

    In Search Of... ... Kiwi Sketch Art ... Dream Journal ... Kyuuei's Cook book ... Kyu's Tiny House Blog ... Minimalist Challenge ... Kyu's Savings Challenge

  9. #9
    Phantonym
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    OK, for those of you saying it depends on the connection, can you please explain to me the nature of the connection? What would make you more likely to quickly self-disclose personal information?
    It's quite difficult to explain. I can feel it. I guess if I feel that the person is trustworthy and if they, in fact, share personal information about themselves and thus show that they trust me, then that certainly helps along with establishing the trust and the needed connection. But sometimes if people do share things, there still remains some kind of a wall because there's something keeping me from disclosing personal things myself. With some people there's a barrier that can never be crossed, it's subconscious. I just don't feel comfortable sharing even if they are really nice people in general.

  10. #10
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6
    Posts
    24,060

    Default

    Like I just posted on that other thread you linked, I don't really mind telling anyone anything, for the most part. My rubric for deciding when/how much to share is almost entirely dependent on how much I think the listener wants to know.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

Similar Threads

  1. What do you like most and least about INTJs and INTPs
    By yupitsme in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 01-06-2016, 04:57 PM
  2. what do you consider extreme cuisine and are you interested in trying it?
    By Survive & Stay Free in forum The Fluff Zone
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 10-30-2015, 07:27 PM
  3. What do you consider to be your inner demon?
    By uncommonentity in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 09-11-2011, 02:35 PM
  4. What do you consider the worst?
    By Idec Sdawkminn in forum The Bonfire
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 11-26-2010, 02:17 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO