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  1. #1
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Default An actual shadow

    I was having a conversation a few days ago that got me thinking about a part of me that I was able to explore while I played Star Wars Galaxies. It was a more...feminine side of myself. I had just come off of playing Team Fortress Classic and in those forums, I was ridiculed constantly for my weight because I posted pictures of myself. I guess you could say I was insecure, because I created a female character in SWG, then proceeded to tell everyone for the next few years online that I was a girl IRL.

    I enjoyed it greatly, because I could do things like pick out girl clothes, customize my character's looks, do dancing and things like that in the game, and I felt secure doing it, because I didn't feel I was being judged. I didn't feel secure enough to act like a guy in the game. Now, though, I feel like there's this hidden part of me that is itching to get out.

    It's like a compassionate, insightful and cold female persona that I feel has been there mentally the last several years, and it's almost like someone I've come to compare myself to. I just think to myself, that that girl is someone who would stop on the way home from work just to buy a cupcake mix or a flower. She's someone who is excellent with the details of her life, but at the same time, able to recognize the more gentle side of life because she's worry-free about the details.

    I think I'm just rambling, but I've just started to think about it a lot more often the last few days. It's just like an alternate persona that isn't as judgmental or analytical. Does any of this make sense?


  2. #2
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    It does make sense. What would it take to integrate those hidden parts of yourself into the personality you allow others to see? It sounds like you're afraid of being hurt, and you've learned to suppress or protect those aspects of your personality. What would it look like if you started allowing the everyday you to participate in the things you obviously love?
    I think I think more than you think I think.

  3. #3
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MonkeyGrass View Post
    It does make sense. What would it take to integrate those hidden parts of yourself into the personality you allow others to see? It sounds like you're afraid of being hurt, and you've learned to suppress or protect those aspects of your personality. What would it look like if you started allowing the everyday you to participate in the things you obviously love?
    It's just more like....the things that I tell myself not to do, when I stop and try to make myself look at it from the point of view of....her, suddenly my viewpoint changes drastically and I'm like, "it's ok to do that." Like recently, I bought a laptop, and I started thinking about how I could customize it, and I remembered reading about how some people didn't find a need to customize things until they realized they could express themselves through customization. And then, suddenly I wanted to put cute stickers on it and stuff.


  4. #4
    Senior Member Soar337's Avatar
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    I'm sure I'm secretly an ESTJ. I have this weird, anal, controlling and impatient streak.
    <3

  5. #5
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Sounds almost like Jung's anima concept, or the 'dream girl' concept that some people have speculated men have captured in their psyche and compare real women to as their idea.

    What makes this collection of "feminine" attributes resonate with you, and how does she contrast from how you normally see yourself in your male life?
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  6. #6
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Sounds almost like Jung's anima concept, or the 'dream girl' concept that some people have speculated men have captured in their psyche and compare real women to as their idea.

    What makes this collection of "feminine" attributes resonate with you, and how does she contrast from how you normally see yourself in your male life?
    To me, it's more things I become interested in, but keep myself away from because I'm afraid of what others think. Like, at work, we have these originality beads that you can make bracelets and necklaces with. I always tell coworkers or customers if I were a teenage girl, I would be obsessed with them. I mean, it's just not something a 23 year old guy can go play with.

    It's also things like arts and crafts or random cute little things I think of doing but convince myself not to do because I tell myself it's just not necessary to complete my other objectives. Things like going to a coffee shop just to sit there and do homework or use my laptop. Part of me wants to just for the experience, but then I tell myself, "Why do you need to? There's nothing really to gain there that you can't get at home.

    I've been working on fixing my college plans lately, and when I fantasize about it in my head, I seem to put that girl into it. I just think of this organized petite girl taking classes in college with a laptop that has her whole life in it. I picture her sitting at a desk in a classroom working on the schoolwork, concentrated on it, but also talking to close friends next to her. She's not someone overly obsessed with what others think of her. She's someone that'd go to the gym and be relaxed jogging on a treadmill as part of her normal routine.


  7. #7
    ⒺⓉⒷ Eric B's Avatar
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    In finally coming to understand the anima concept better (thanks to finding several Beebe articles online.
    So I've come to recognize the significance of me being so jealous of females in social situations (from gatherings with friends, to award shows where all this attention is given to the females and their fashion) as being connected with a Fe anima.

    Also, that the "ideal girl" always did seem to be an SFJ type (even though I did not know about type until recent years). With both real people and even fictional characters, I noticed that what turn out to be SFP's look similar on the surface, and are real attractive and are like the model of femininity. Yet I always sensed that there would be no chemistry; nothing really to have in common.
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  8. #8
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Interesting. Even the wikipedia article makes it make sense. It feels a little more normal knowing that other people have identified it. I'm not going to lie and say that these desires and fantasies haven't made me question my sexuality. I think society is to blame for that, though. I believe my heterosexuality is completely intact. I just have desires that are labeled as feminine or things the average girl does.

    I tend to be attracted to the FPs. FJs can be attractive at times, but only for surface conversations most of the time. The stopping to take into consideration other people just for the sake of it regardless of whether it's necessary or you actually give a damn about them gets frustrating. I think that's why I like FPs.

    Working at a department store has helped me a lot to get in touch with this "anima." I've kind of named her Annoka in my head after the character in Star Wars Galaxies that I used. Just like, stopping and asking myself how she would react to a situation. I've learned working at this store my interest in clothes, perfumes, gift wrapping, home decor.


  9. #9
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    hey razzy!

    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Soar337's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    The stopping to take into consideration other people just for the sake of it regardless of whether it's necessary or you actually give a damn about them gets frustrating. I think that's why I like FPs.
    FP's do this too I think, lol!
    <3

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