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Complimenting people using character descriptions

DiscoBiscuit

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I've found that insults only work if they are honest and you REALLY mean them.
 
P

Phantonym

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For me at least, the only way for compliments to really work is if I REALLY mean them.

It's the same for me as well. But I've also noticed that words do not do justice sometimes. I feel a lot more than my words are able to convey.

I've found that insults only work if they are honest and you REALLY mean them.

I've found that sometimes even a pretty insignificant word that might not even be true said in passing hurts more than a monologue intended to insult people.
 

DiscoBiscuit

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The truth can hurt.

But I'd rather hear it, and be stronger for it, than live on in the delusion that I'm more awesome than I am.
 

Totenkindly

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But I'd rather hear it, and be stronger for it, than live on in the delusion that I'm more awesome than I am.

I'm going to label you the "Almost-Hustler" now... :newwink:
 

Grace

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It seems to me that giving a character compliment, i.e. "You're a generous person," tends to strike gold more often than "I like your shoes" but when you give a character compliment that contradicts someone's concept of self, you backfire horribly.

Spot on.
 

Lily Bart

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I think a really good compliment is hard to do. Most compliments have ulterior motives (not that that's a bad thing, necessarily, it's just not a real compliment). I think most people are either suspicious of compliments or just plain uncomfortable getting them -- so it makes complimenting people an even tougher thing to do. About the only compliment worth getting is the one we really know we deserve -- something we've achieved that someone else understands what it's like to achieve. Unfortunately, how often is that going to happen?
 

proteanmix

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Well the OP isn't really about the sincerity of compliments, there are plenty of threads around about that.

Honestly, people that are generally suspicious of being given a compliment I tend to connect that to trust and self-security issues.
 

Lady_X

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I can't bare the thought of saying something nice about someone (even if it's about their shoes, hair, or kid), if I don't really mean it. It's like vomit in my mouth.

I have to feel it from within. Otherwise, it's like committing a sin to myself.

yep....it's awful too. i can't even say something nice about someone's kid if i don't mean it. :blush:

i do the polite thing and say nothing at all.
 

OrangeAppled

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yep....it's awful too. i can't even say something nice about someone's kid if i don't mean it. :blush:

i do the polite thing and say nothing at all.

My mom told me that if a baby is ugly, then you just say it is "precious" because all babies are precious. I personally find most babies ugly; thank goodness for ISFJ mom etiquette.
 

Lady_X

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well i think most babies are beautiful but some lil kids drive me bonkers. :/
 

JustHer

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Yeah, when people tell me I'm something along the lines of "sweet" I just want to punch them in the face.


I think the problem with this in general is that when someone compliments you out of the blue and it just so happens to be on something that is a less significant part of your personality (and maybe a rarer side), you just get this instant realization that they don't really know anything about you at all and that maybe you don't project your true personality to people.

Which is probably not the case at all, and the compliment may very well be true and you may very well be flattered by this compliment in another situation. Still, if they're going to compliment you ONCE and THAT is what they're going to say, then it'll inevitable make the person feel like you don't understand them at all.
 

the state i am in

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i'll compliment people based on what i think they need. i'll compliment them to get more information about them. i'll compliment them based on their typological settings. i'll compliment people bc i like them. i'll compliment people bc i don't feel like being a crotchety old man. i'll compliment them to make them more receptive to a potential suggestion (usually about something i think they might like to do or that might open up new options for them that they don't see or won't see bc they're too fixated on a specific value judgment). i'll compliment people to draw positive attention to something that they may not be aware of that may help them recognize something productive about themselves, their desires, their direction, their values. i'll compliment them to show that i recognize them.
 

Skyward

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I do think you need to be careful what you compliment (or even put down) because people value different things. Until you know what they value it's hard to make a worthwhile comment about them.

Thisi s why I am so bad at giving compliments. I always second guess: 'What will they think if I say they act cute? Or that they have very pretty eyes? I know I'm just saying what I see, but that isn't my 'norm' and people might notice that and think I have some ulterior motive!' Sometimes I wish it were easier to just up and DO it. ExxPs got it good :D

I can give compliments easily when someone does something well. Something like: 'Woah, that's the best Captain Falcon voice I've heard. Seriously.' It's something that can't be taken the wrong way very easily. I generally compliment people when I think of it, my Fe isn't readily available like with most FJs so complimenting isn't the most natural thing for me to do, but I do find that I have been complimenting people more nowadays that even a couple years ago.

I'm usually surprised when I received a compliment, I mentally backpedal and think 'Wait what? Usually I'm called annoying!' If the compliment was praising something I am proud of or acknowledge in myself, I feel good about it. Otherwise I just wonder what people see in me.
 

BlueScreen

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Thisi s why I am so bad at giving compliments. I always second guess: 'What will they think if I say they act cute? Or that they have very pretty eyes? I know I'm just saying what I see, but that isn't my 'norm' and people might notice that and think I have some ulterior motive!' Sometimes I wish it were easier to just up and DO it. ExxPs got it good :D

hehe, I wouldn't be so sure. I second guess plus don't want to say anything that I don't think is purely true or represents it right. So the honest compliments always feel like they aren't getting there or are corny and the ones to be nice that I don't believe make me cringe. Like often I really like things about people and think very highly of them, but I have a lot of trouble saying it, because I don't it want to mean nothing or be a whatever thing. If I think I can't get the message across clearly I ponder it too much then don't say it.
 

TickTock

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Well the OP isn't really about the sincerity of compliments, there are plenty of threads around about that.

Honestly, people that are generally suspicious of being given a compliment I tend to connect that to trust and self-security issues.

Yeah. Compliments are given so rarely they are like gold. Even the girl in your OP, she is still sounding out the compliment and making a point of it.
 

DiscoBiscuit

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How often we (against our own feelings) compliment others due to (current) societal pressures to care about everyone and support self esteem actually destroys what the compliment was originally intended to mean.

Somehow American Sarcarsm plays into this, but I will have to think on that more.

When we compliment people who don't deserve it (probably like 90% of compliments), we drain the compliment (what the compliment means in our society) of all meaning. It's like cursing too much which saps the word of all meaning.

I think we would be better off if we could stop assuming that everyone is going to hurt us, and just be honest.
 

proximo

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In the situation described in the OP, if I was thinking of that particular characteristic and thinking it was a good thing, and wanted to compliment her, I'd also be aware of current trends in opinions and aspirations among her peers, social group, etc, so I'd find a way to word it that made it chime in positively with those trends. I wouldn't have said it in the way it was said to her, because I'd have known that pretty much most women these days are not going to take that as a compliment.

You can make character compliments and it can be a very effective way of encouraging and affirming people. But you've got to have the instincts to do it right, or you just come off as either patronising or sucking up.
 

Tallulah

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Sometimes you just wonder if certain words are code for something else. I've had people call me reserved before, which, as an introvert, and particularly in social situations that I'd rather not be in, I am. But I hear it as "boring."

"Dependable" is another one like that. You're like, "That's the best compliment you can come up with?" I'd say "docile" would definitely fall in the backhanded compliment category.

Sometimes you have to cut people slack, though, because their intentions are good, and maybe that wasn't the exact word they wanted, anyway. A lot of people aren't hung up on word precision, anyway.
 

proximo

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Sometimes you just wonder if certain words are code for something else. I've had people call me reserved before, which, as an introvert, and particularly in social situations that I'd rather not be in, I am. But I hear it as "boring."

If I said somebody was reserved, it wouldn't be a compliment or an insult, just a neutral observation. It's up to them whether they like that description or not - if they feel insulted by it, maybe they should try to be it less... *shrug*

"Dependable" is another one like that. You're like, "That's the best compliment you can come up with?"

Well, you might not value that in a person very much, or in yourself, but I can tell you, after years of being at the mercy of flaky types, an ounce of dependability in a person is worth its weight in gold to me, and if I said it of someone it'd be a very sincere compliment.

Sometimes you have to cut people slack, though, because their intentions are good, and maybe that wasn't the exact word they wanted, anyway. A lot of people aren't hung up on word precision, anyway.

That's certainly true... NTP's do get quite anal about things like that, and miss the intention and feeling behind it, which is most important after all.
 

Xenon

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Sometimes you just wonder if certain words are code for something else. I've had people call me reserved before, which, as an introvert, and particularly in social situations that I'd rather not be in, I am. But I hear it as "boring."

Heh. I'm more or less neutral about the word 'reserved', but I have my share of words with similar meanings that I hate to hear. I've always hated 'shy' (though I don't get that much anymore) and 'quiet'. Seems like I'm being called boring, bland, dull, passive, barely noticeable.

The term 'good listener' has been bothering me lately. I do think good listening, truly good listening in which people really try to hear and understand each other, is important, and people could certainly use more of it in the world. It seems that to be called a 'good listener' though, all you have to do is not talk. You don't need to be genuinely interested or even paying much attention. So being called a 'good listener' seems like being told, "You are so good at sitting there like a lump and not saying anything! Your lack of contribution makes me feel fascinating in comparison!"

People tend to assume quieter types are 'good listeners' or 'nice' even if there's nothing that really indicates this. There was an amusing blurb on The Onion about this a few years ago: Quiet Guy Mistaken for Nice Guy. So these remarks always feel like non-compliments to me.

Well, you might not value that in a person very much, or in yourself, but I can tell you, after years of being at the mercy of flaky types, an ounce of dependability in a person is worth its weight in gold to me, and if I said it of someone it'd be a very sincere compliment.

That does sound like a very good compliment, when you say all that. Maybe disclosing a bit about why you value something in someone else helps minimize misunderstanding. It might also help someone see why some behaviour or trait might be valuable, even if (s)he's never seen it that way.
 
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