Ask psych questions of a drug-addict(just hit 3 weeks clean)

[mtaclof]

So I figured I could help a lot of people here who have questions about impulsivity, risk/reward decision-making, habitual behavior, etc...
Background info: 5 year opiate user, physically addicted to oral morphine from april-august, "upgraded" to IV heroin from august-october. Quit toward the end of october(90+% chance of relapse, according to precedent). I just wanted to offer people a chance to ask questions of someone who has a severe problem that's not often willing to speak candidly about it.
Forget your inhibitions, I'll answer it all.

 

[Bamboo]

Well, what does the stuff do for you that makes you want to take it? Numbness never had appeal to me.

And, does me asking that question not help your situation, because now you're thinking about why you liked it so much?

 

[mtaclof]

Well, what does the stuff do for you that makes you want to take it? Numbness never had appeal to me.

And, does me asking that question not help your situation, because now you're thinking about why you liked it so much?

I'm always thinking about it so much. That's a result of years of use and a serious period of more-than-daily abuse. Don't worry about any question negatively influencing me, it wont, it's the constant craving I have to be wary of.
As for the effects of opiates, it's the euphoria that got me into it, and the elimination of all unpleasantness(anxiety/pain) that kept me using. It was enough fun for me to use 1-4 times a month for 4 years. However, the actual addiction occured after I lost control for a bit and became a complete hedonist, using morphine daily for about 4 weeks. I stopped, and became sick from withdrawal. This drove me to the most extreme anxiety and discomfort I've ever experienced, and I knew that a cure was only a swallow away. This is what caused me to fear not having the drug, and caused me to seek out a constant supply. Eventually, after many weeks of daily use, I didn't get any euphoria anymore, and very little anxiolytic(anxiety-relieving) effects. At this point I decided I needed to get a needle involved to increase the feelings I felt. It took barely 10 weeks of doing this to get to the point where I felt very little from needle use, other than a general disorientation that was noticeable enough to get my fired from my job(which I had for 4+ years and was my only means of support). At this point I held out for 3 weeks, scrounging up cash via dealing/stealing(from department stores, not people). After I realized I was getting no positive effects and that I couldn't keep it up if I wanted, I called my family for help and got out of the situation. Even today I still feel a ridiculous drive to use, but my desire for all other drugs(which I've used rather extensively for the past 8 years) is gone.

 

[Bamboo]

Funny how we can get so risk aversive for one thing (like discomfort) that we will take drastic, irrational measures to avoid it. I've done the same, in less extreme measures, I suppose, but the pattern is the same.

Good info.

Good luck.

 

[laintpe]

How did it start? Curiosity? Morphine for an injury? etc. What was your stance on drugs before you started taking them?

 

[Synarch]

What is helping you stay clean right now?

 

[mtaclof]

How did it start? Curiosity? Morphine for an injury? etc. What was your stance on drugs before you started taking them?

My attitude toward drug use was extremely negative when I was 12, and it middled as I became older and developed an objective attitude toward things. The first target was fearmongered subjects, and drugs fit that bill. At that point(12 y.o.) my type was undoubtedly INTP. By the time I was 14 I had an open mind and was likely classed as ENTP. I took other points of view into account far more and thought that if it worked for some, it could work for me, and if it didn't, I was such a superpower that I'd simply resist and drop it.
This was wrong, my pattern of use followed as such:
14 - weed, alcohol
15 - amphetamines(also methylphenidate), dextromethorphan
16 - hallucinogens(2c-i, lots of DXM)
17 - Opiates(hydrocodone, oxycodone), Cocaine
18 - way more opiates and weed
19 - heroin, crack, mushrooms
20+ - everything else, ecstasy, acid, morphine, fentanyl, etc...

I'll be 23 in January now, and this is the first period of sobriety I've had since I turned 15 lasting over 2 weeks.
I still view drugs positively in some ways, but I understand that progression is inevitable for most, especially if you mess with opiates.

 

[mtaclof]

What is helping you stay clean right now?

My inability to get opiates(I moved from New Hampshire to Virginia to get away). Also, the need to keep up my appearance with my family. Honestly speaking, there's not a lot other than that keeping me from using. I would accept free heroin right now if someone passed me the dope, even though it hurts to admit it. I'm hoping that buprenorphine therapy allows me to find an acceptable and minimally harmful substitute, so I can quit when I truly feel ready to handle the challenges presented.

 

[Synarch]

My inability to get opiates(I moved from New Hampshire to Virginia to get away). Also, the need to keep up my appearance with my family. Honestly speaking, there's not a lot other than that keeping me from using. I would accept free heroin right now if someone passed me the dope, even though it hurts to admit it. I'm hoping that buprenorphine therapy allows me to find an acceptable and minimally harmful substitute, so I can quit when I truly feel ready to handle the challenges presented.

Since you were using from such an early age, do you think there are underlying anxieties you might be able to address that might mitigate some of the feelings driving the need to escape?

 

[Synarch]

Also, good luck with the work you're doing. Thanks for sharing.

 

[mtaclof]

Since you were using from such an early age, do you think there are underlying anxieties you might be able to address that might mitigate some of the feelings driving the need to escape?

Not at all. I had an ideal childhood in my POV, and in the POV of professionals the only issue I had was a divorce(I was 2.75). I was always smarter than the other kids, I owned in school. The issue that pro's say could be the cause is my(let me use primitive terms) psychopathy(or antisocial personality disorder). I have very little regard for norms, and NEED a logical basis, or I simply ignore them. My lack of inhibition and love of novelty led me to try everything and I got the sharp side of opiates. That's my point of view on the situation.

 

[yenom]

good luck on quiting,

Doing drugs is one of the biggest mistakes you can make in your life, with no benefit whatsoever. But its never too late to turn back. I hope you will eventually become clean and start living a healthy life again. All it takes is determination.

 

[JustHer]

I would accept free heroin right now if someone passed me the dope, even though it hurts to admit it.

So you don't think being clean will last?

 

[mtaclof]

good luck on quiting,

Doing drugs is one of the biggest mistakes you can make in your life, with no benefit whatsoever. But its never too late to turn back. I hope you will eventually become clean and start living a healthy life again. All it takes is determination.

I have to take issue with this. I don't view doing drugs as a mistake I made in my life. It's something that definitely had negative consequences, but it is a fact that most people who try drugs do not get addicted. Also, I have extensive experience with all types of drugs, yet I've only ever struggled with opiates as a negative force in my life.
I think to say that trying drugs is a mistake with no benefits is simply you projecting your personal moral beliefs upon the subject. I know a lot of people who unwind day after day with a joint, and the only negative I've ever seen them suffer is at the hands of the unjust laws of prohibition that we as Americans have to deal with.
In fact, even in my heroin addiction, prohibition did nothing aside from make things more difficult for me. Because of prohibition I had to spend all my money and a lot of time acquiring the drug, and it caused me to lose my job and even face a criminal charge. The scarcity of opiates and lack of acceptable treatment, along with the ostracization by society just drives people further underground and often into despair.
Whereas what I just said is full of opinion, my disagreement with your statement that all it takes is determination is one based in fact. You're doing a disservice to go around saying that all it takes is determination. Many people will try to quit with this strategy, and after some failures, they feel discouraged, as if they cannot possibly quit. A lot of people will require help to quit, that's just how it is. When you first start doing opiates, you may have the strongest willpower, but it breaks you down over time, and your priorities are rearranged. God, willpower, etc... are not enough for most people, they need help from other people and a quality support system.

 

[mtaclof]

So you don't think being clean will last?

I can't predict the future, and I can't even guess how strong my cravings will be months down the road from now. I can tell you though that I'm not naive enough to rule out relapse.
If, when I start to get to know people around my new area that use drugs, I feel that I'm not strong enough to resist, I will go on an opiate maintenance program(suboxone) before I allow myself to begin using intravenuous drugs again. I'm hoping that having that buffer there is enough to provide me the necessary tools and strength to avoid falling back into my prior situation.