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  1. #1
    Senior Member run's Avatar
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    Default On Social Anxiety

    I just got back from a doctor of sorts and this is what she said (basically):

    Modern psychology begins with the premise that something is wrong with you. This is never true.

    If you look up your butthole, all you're gonna see is crap. If you look at your problems, all you're gonna see is problems. This negative attitude only makes the problem worse.

    I have social anxiety social and spiritual challenges. I just did something I never have done before tonight. I walked into a bar. And I have a feeling of pride in myself that I've never had before. Because I dropped that faulty premise.

    But I have this question: This doctor proposed this: People will judge you, reject you, if you judge and reject yourself. They won't forgive you if you forgive yourself.

    This doesn't make it right to reject people. I know some awkward, exhausting people who I don't reject. I put a lot into my choices of how I interact with people. So, if you go around not forgiving yourself, and you find that someone doesn't forgive you (for your social shortcomings), wouldn't that be a good test to see if people are worth your time? If so, why does this hurt so much for the person with social anxiety?

  2. #2
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    Because you need to be accepted more than people need to accept you? Just de-link it from the issues thing. People with no social anxiety might have personal problems that they just never disclose to anyone. People can be surrounded by a group of friends and feel lonely and empty at the same time. Modern psychology allows you to understand and forgive yourself. It might even allow you to understand and forgive others. Sounds like a good way to start.

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    Because social anxiety is rooted in another problems, too?

    I did have the symptoms of social anxiety, and back then all I felt was, "oh no, they hate me. I am worthless."

    Probably something around that. Or a more..forgiving variant, "They hate me. Am I doing something wrong? Can't I be kinder/more considerate/more [insert any trait here]" Sometimes it goes off against my better judgement and my common sense (like "Maybe I should be this." "WAIT A MOMENT, WHAT DID I JUST THOUGHT OF?" "But then--!")

    Sometimes it's also the bad reasoning that you got to get on with EVERYONE. One could, but it obviously costs a lot more, don't you think?

    I still try to make myself better. I still do. But to accept one's flaws and to choose people worth one's time is still necessary.

    my two cents. >_<;

  4. #4
    Intriguing.... Quinlan's Avatar
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    Whereas evolutionary psychology starts with the premise that there is something right with you.
    Act your age not your enneagram number.

    Quinlan's Creations

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    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Firstly .. Congratulations for doing something benign and foreign .. You deserved that drink

    When you appreciate yourself and what you are able to offer the world with refreshed eyes, it is ironic that the people who truly care about your interests will want exactly the same for you. This is why some people don't want their partners/friends to change for the better. It screws up their warped perception of how you should behave. Better the devil you know.

    It is not so much that you reject people/friends etc, i think it is more you keep around those who are able to enhance what is deep inside you .. In all honesty, who likes energy vampires? *shudders*

    Forgiveness - Soften your heart with respect to this situation, and all the people involved, including yourself .. This is my fridge magnet on compassion .. I think it says alot.

    I can't say anything regarding the social anxiety other than do you have friends who are out there or very extroverted? I find the energy of the people i am around has a big influence on my being. If the group is quiet and shy, i am either over the top playful or incredibly quiet myself (which i don't like). If you could interact with your friends on a regular basis and open yourself up to new opportunities maybe, possibly that could benefit you and help with your situation.

    Or maybe i am talking shit .. I'll let you decide
    Lol

    EDIT - Oh shit .. I used the 'In all honesty' line ..
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  7. #7
    Doesn't Read Your Posts Haight's Avatar
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    That doctor seems like a quack. My advice is to seek a second opinion. And . . . get on meds. All the kids are doing it!
    "The only time I'm wrong is when I'm questioning myself."
    Haight

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    Senior Member run's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haight View Post
    That doctor seems like a quack. My advice is to seek a second opinion. And . . . get on meds. All the kids are doing it!
    Did you read the part about how it worked?

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    Feelin' FiNe speculative's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by run View Post
    So, if you go around not forgiving yourself, and you find that someone doesn't forgive you (for your social shortcomings), wouldn't that be a good test to see if people are worth your time? If so, why does this hurt so much for the person with social anxiety?
    I'm not sure I'm clear on what you're saying here. Are you saying that you should walk around being down on yourself, and if while doing so other people are down on you too, that should be cause to judge them? What other course of action should they take: helping you, avoiding you, etc.? Or, are you saying that people should not judge in any instance, so if you make it harded for them not to judge you, but this still manage not to, that they are worth your time... This seems like a very "4" thing, withdrawing to see if you can attrack a rescuer.

    So, I would say that would not be a good test to see if people are worth your time, as it would only harm you in your efforts to grow if you play this role to see how people react.

    Sounds like you visited an M.D.o.S. What you want is an M.D. However, it is good advice not to judge yourself too harshly. (This is also a type 4 growth thing...)
    "How can I be, all I want to be,
    When all I want to do is strip away these stilled constraints
    And crush this charade, shred this sad, masquerade"
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGeq5v7L3WM

  10. #10
    Senior Member run's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by speculative View Post
    I'm not sure I'm clear on what you're saying here. Are you saying that you should walk around being down on yourself, and if while doing so other people are down on you too, that should be cause to judge them? What other course of action should they take: helping you, avoiding you, etc.? Or, are you saying that people should not judge in any instance, so if you make it harded for them not to judge you, but this still manage not to, that they are worth your time... This seems like a very "4" thing, withdrawing to see if you can attrack a rescuer.

    So, I would say that would not be a good test to see if people are worth your time, as it would only harm you in your efforts to grow if you play this role to see how people react.
    Closer to the second one. I don't do it on purpose though. Its just a habit and I don't see anything necessarily wrong with it in an ideal sense. I think of it this way:

    I'm hard on myself. I beat myself up, I don't believe in myself, etc.
    This will attract people worth my time.

    I'm not hard on myself. I don't beat myself, I believe in myself, etc.
    This will attract people worth my time, plus those who aren't.

    edit: I won't know the difference.

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