User Tag List

First 1234 Last

Results 21 to 30 of 33

  1. #21
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6
    Posts
    24,060

    Default

    Lest I be misunderstood, I want to make it clear that I'm not telling my kids they're bad at anything. I just remember being praised for everything I did and it didn't ring true because there were things I KNEW I wasn't talented at, and would never be talented at. So I am not telling my un-athletic daughter that she's not athletic. I'm just not heralding her as the next Mia Hamm. I certainly don't want to discourage her from trying sports.

    Fidelia makes an excellent point, and that is what I have tried to do--emphasize their character over their abilities or lack thereof, and let them own the motivation to build superficial skills.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  2. #22
    Senior Member proximo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    584

    Default

    I don't discourage my tone deaf daughter from singing for fun if she wants to, but I will and do discourage her from getting her hopes up about a career as a singer!
    I'm male and over 30, FYI.
    Preferences: 20% Extravert, 98% Intuitive, 68% Thinker, 17% Perceiving

  3. #23
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,125

    Default

    Of course you have to be realistic. I think though that unless a child shows signs of setting their heart on a --------- career, it seems a little over the top to remind them that they're no good at ------.

    (However, regarding tone deafness, it usually is quite reversible as long as there isn't permanent damage from ear infections at a young age. The rest is mostly due to lack of exposure/practice. Some people pick things up more naturally, but everyone can learn).

  4. #24
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    2,808

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Of course you have to be realistic. I think though that unless a child shows signs of setting their heart on a --------- career, it seems a little over the top to remind them that they're no good at ------.
    I agree.
    Some of the greatest successes were once the biggest failures, and I guess I'd prefer my child to grow up doing the things they love and are inspired to do, versus just doing the things that make them appear successful to others. I understand discussing alternative interest and making a living, or letting a child in on the facts,"Most people don't make it." But I'd only say those things for the purposes of loading them with more information to make decisions that they feel to be right for themselves. Not, as a means of dissuading them from pursuing something they love and are driven to do, even if their current performance is poor.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  5. #25

    Default

    I'd like my kids to be successful in the eyes of others and their own, in the things they love to do. There must be a balance.

    I think it is useful to move from the domain of interest to the child's character. Their temperament and strengths. Every domain of interest is broad with opportunities for anyone with an interest in it.

    So, I think that is a good place to start.

  6. #26
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,125

    Default

    How old are your kids, Wolfy? Do you guys live where there are quite a few options for what they could pursue?

    One of the biggest things I'd say that undermines confidence is being put in a situation before being properly prepared (even with extra margin). In the two areas where that happened for me, it took years to recover. I think the same goes for school - for a lot of kids (especially boys) they are sent before they are really ready to excel. One year for of time to play would have made them on top of the pile rather than on the very bottom. I've seen my brother's oldest boys put into situations they aren't ready for and it has had a very detrimental effect in their lives. The general rule of thumb I've found seems to work is keeping in mind the four stages of learning something:

    1) Watching/listening/observing someone doing it.

    2) Doing it with help. (Being walked through situations and only being given as much responsibility as they can handle successfully).

    3) Doing it alone. (That involves being supervised at first and later on without supervision. This can apply to everything from music practice to a first job).

    4) Teaching someone else to do it. (This gives children an interest in helping other people rather than becoming proud or competitive or hoarding knowledge/information. It reinforces the idea that if we have been given certain opportunities, it is not out of our own greatness that we had them and we have an obligation to pass them on. It also helps deal with the insecure tendancy to push other people down to feel better about our own performance. All of us have something to teach someone and something to learn. There will always be people better and worse than us and we need to be willing to share whatever we have, however great or small and continue adding to it. I think it also greatly develops comprehension, mastery and confidence to learn the skills to teach someone else something in a gracious way).

    When people are rushed through these steps or miss one of them along the way, I think it really undermines confidence and makes it difficult to be successful or even if success is achieved to have positive feelings about it.

    I think the more opportunities a parent can find to practice these steps with a child (even things like reading a map or mailing a parcel, or making something together), the more self-assured they will feel in a variety of situations, which gives them more confidence to embark on something on their own. I think also parents should look for other adults and well chosen older children who can pass along new skills. This allows the child exposure to things that the parent may not be good at, as well as giving the child a chance to learn graciously from other people than just a family member. It is possible that those people will see both weaknesses and strengths in the child that the parent has more difficulty seeing.

  7. #27

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    How old are your kids, Wolfy? Do you guys live where there are quite a few options for what they could pursue?
    My kids are still young. Nine and five, there are lots of opportunities to learn here. I find the topic of talent and skills very interesting, which is why I started the thread.

    Isn't talent, skills, knowledge and our ability to express ourselves in the world an amazingly interesting subject? I think it is.

  8. #28
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,125

    Default

    No kidding! My brother has 10 kids, so it has been very interesting to see the wide variety of types they are, as well as the combination of arriving very much as who they are, but having the chance to develop those strengths and shore up those weaknesses as well. I have often been in the position of kind of a surrogate parent to them. I also have found it so interesting as I have taught in different circumstances (both private lessons and teaching at school), because I have had to think about what ingredients make a child accomplished/successful, and what all is included in the definition of success. I've been in situations where parents are extremely solicitous, to the polar opposite where they are entirely uninvolved and that is fascinating to see what natural turn children take when left to their own devices. What Ivy said about how kids receive praise rings very true for me.

  9. #29
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    9,827

    Default

    And if you have an interest in something there are many different ways you can use that interest in life. My younger daughter may or may not ever be a famous artist or have her own Manga series, but she could still do manga/chibi portraits of people at Cons or work as a tattoo artist to make money while she goes to art school or, if she loves it, as a career. It would be better than busing tables/flipping burgers while going to school/waiting to be discovered. She might teach art in a public school and do that stuff in the summer and on weekends. If you love something, there is usually a way to be involved with it even if you will never be a master. And it is so important to a child's identity to have something to be passionate about as they go into adolescence and young adulthood.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #30
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    2,808

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by wolfy View Post
    I'd like my kids to be successful in the eyes of others and their own, in the things they love to do. There must be a balance.
    Oh absolutely. And yet, there are so many different ways to define success, and I think it's the individual who has to define that term for themselves.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

Similar Threads

  1. MBTI and children
    By Ivy in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 30
    Last Post: 05-10-2010, 01:30 PM
  2. Limit families to two children?
    By heart in forum Politics, History, and Current Events
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 07-16-2007, 11:01 PM
  3. Happiness, Children, and Are you that one girl?
    By Wolf in forum The Fluff Zone
    Replies: 66
    Last Post: 05-18-2007, 03:53 PM
  4. What's the word for "pertaining to children"
    By darlets in forum The Bonfire
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 05-16-2007, 08:40 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO