So, I'm beginning to wonder if this might be part of my problem. I'm aware of my situation in all the rational ways, and of many perspectives on it. I know all of the various ways of describing it. I'm aware of what my options are, how to perform the most basic procedures associated with those options, and if not how to gain the information. I'm aware of the potential consequences, both positive and negative, of any choice I might make.
I'm well-versed enough in information. But information and solving problems that have a single answer given all the variables seems to be the only skill I have.
I don't know what to do with the real situations in which I find myself, and how to cope with my real fears, prejudices, hang-ups, and inexperience, because quite frankly, they just don't make any sense. I find myself at a stage of self-awareness and emotional development at which most people would be running around taking risks, making a fool of themselves, and trying to figure out what works for them, but also find myself too aware, and terrified, of the potential consequences of such behavior to engage in it. Thus this part of me remains undeveloped.
In other words, I'm aware of what my options should mean to me, but when I weigh them, all I get is the vague sense that they're all worthless, difficult, and unrelated to my goals. In other words, it seems that my intellect is strong enough to stop me from making a very bad decision, but not so strong that I can use it to make a decision and stick to it, which leaves me at an impasse.
The best way to describe my dilemma, is to say that all I really understand are words and ideas. I know what they should mean, but I don't know how to make them mean anything in the real world. When someone tells me to "go and do," "get a life," "take action," "find a job," or "try," a part of me doesn't even understand what these things mean.
There's a fundamental gap between my mind and the "action-inclined" part of me. My mind understands the value of all these things, but the part of me I can control in the physical world is only inclined to do things if there are immediate benefits or potential consequences for doing or not doing something, and the problem is that society expects me to be motivated by long-term consequences rather than immediate ones. While I'm intellectually capable of dealing with that, I'm not emotionally capable of dealing with it.
The biggest problem is, that I can't seem to think of any options that would result in immediate benefit or result to such an extent that I could build on it to work my way out of the isolated hole I've dug myself into. The problem is that my current situation fully satisfies two parts of my nature, my curiosity (through the Internet), and my inclination to follow safe, familiar habits. The only ways forward would involve, for possibly an extended period, satisfying no additional parts of my nature, no longer satisfying my habits, and offer slightly less satisfaction to my curiosity.
As you might imagine, some part of me would end up interpreting this as "punishment" or "pain" caused by moving forwards, and make me far less motivated to pursue it. The problem is, quite simply, that my emotional nature and intellectual nature are incompatible to such a degree that they effectively prevent one another from doing anything at all.
At this point, honestly, it seems as though I'm destined to continue draining my family of their resources out of a selfish desire to survive (the truth is that I don't even care about them, I'm just afraid of losing my safety net), and only when that strategy is no longer tenable, will I get the motivation to behave otherwise.
Has anyone else ever felt trapped in such a scenario?