I've been taking my CCNA classes, but it doesn't seem to be having the desired effect. Now I just feel like I'm stuck in the past, pouring over meaningless technical details for no apparent reason. I once found this stuff interesting, but it seems far more boring than it once did.
That brings me to my topic. Whenever I talk to my mother or other family members about my situation, or look for resources on what I'm supposed to do, I get an answer that's extremely useless for me. They always try to figure out what I love, what I'm passionate about, so that I can base a plan on it.
But the problem is, I'm not actually passionate about anything, and I don't really want "a future" or anything like that. So it's really hard to make plans.
If I force myself to focus on what I want, all that I can come up with is that I want to keep what I have now on the Internet, and perhaps extend it into the real world. Basically, I just want to talk to people and share ideas and opinions with them. The problem is that most people want that, AND something else that's a lot bigger.
Furthermore, it seems like everything is set up for people who want something very badly and are so hungry for it that they'll keep ramming their heads into it until they get through. It's extremely hard for me to cope with such a world when I can't match the energy levels of such people. I don't have some huge inner drive like wanting a family, wanting to be recognized, wanting to prove someone wrong, a dream I want fulfilled, or anything like that that compels me to consistently pursue something with insane vigor.
All that I want is to have a job so I can survive on my own and have an opportunity to save money. No one seems capable of understanding that, and they constantly try to divine some bigger motive, call me to something higher that I don't care about or understand.
I suppose the problem with this is, that it seems that given my fairly minimalist goals... that is, I'd be willing to literally live in a cheap apartment, sleep on the floor, drink water out of my hands, and eat cat food... that I should be able to get SOMETHING without having to ram my head into a wall like an idiot continually, but it seems like no one understands that that's all I'm asking for, and keep trying to ram it down my throat that I need to aim high, right after telling me that there's competition, which makes absolutely no sense... why I would I aim high if there's too much competition? There's a general expectation and desire for people who have bigger motivations, and no one understands what to do with someone who doesn't feel strongly about anything.
I guess the question is... how exactly am I supposed to cope with the complex, modern social world if I can't understand the way it's set up because I'm not as passionate or driven to succeed or be a part of something as the people who built it? I think I would honestly prefer being told what to do to all this... freedom. Freedom demands a lot of things that I don't have in me. I just don't feel like I'm built that way. Why can't they just assign me a clear, specific task and threaten me with consequences if I don't succeed like they did in high school, rather than giving me all this vague nonsense about "will," "freedom," "decision," "potential," "success," and "future"? I don't know what to do with any of that stuff, it doesn't make any sense. Why can't they tell me anything that makes sense, I don't want to explore my potential, decide anything, or succeed. I just want to be told what to do so I won't have to think. I'm so tired of thinking. I think, and think, and think, and the more I do, the more confused I get.
Anyone else ever feel this way?