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  1. #41
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    yeah I have had the exact same problem with every single INFP I've ever encountered, so I thought it was kinda funny and ironic that an INFP was asking for help with other people making it hard for them to stay in touch without always having to take the initiative and work at it harder than the other person does.

    I guess a bit of honesty might help too, like actually saying to them hey, you know, do you wanna be part of this friendship or not? only cos like, you're making me do all the work and that's giving me this idea that maybe my gestures to you aren't welcome, cos you're just not reciprocating any of them. Maybe if they can be made to realize how it's making you feel, and kinda how anti-social and rude it is to accept it when someone comes to them but never make the effort themselves, it might spur them on a bit.

    I find though that with some of the very passive introverts I know, who do this really badly, I've ended up having to just sorta demote them to outer circles of my life and let them go, as it were. Cos I just haven't the time or energy to maintain friends like that, who make me always have to go to them, when I've got other friends too who come to me and who, when I go to them, I don't feel like "here we go again, me having to do all the work". It's sad, cos some of them are people I really really dig and I do feel sad that they just can't seem to pull their fingers out, because on the times when I've made the effort we've had great conversations and got along really well, really enjoyed ourselves. But after exhausting myself with trying to keep up friendships with people like that, I've just kinda realized that it's not a fair expectation of myself, so I've had to leave them to decide whether they want the friendship or not and if they really did, they'd pull their fingers out. In 90% of cases they don't, and it genuinely does sadden me, but I get over it and let it go and have many other friends so...
    Bolded: Lol. I consider myself a very sociable person, and I really do enjoy people. I guess I'm just an oddball.

    Otherwise for the rest of your post, yeah I can totally empathize with you. I have just *dropped* some relationships with introverts because they just don't make any initiative. Or I'll purposefully not do anything and wait until they make a move.

    I need to meet some more extroverts, I'm glad that you guys make up 75% of the population. I can understand why too, extrovert-introvert interactions are balanced, and extrovert-extrovert interactions can be overwhelming but at least they happen.
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  2. #42
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    I like the "stop rehearsing in your head" advise--I do that... a lot. And I've noticed that even when talkative people slip-up on their words or get the occasional brain fart, it's really not a big deal. They're just like, "Oh, oops. Anyway." So I'm going to try and stop planning out everything and just go with the flow.

    I saw a lot of posts with extroverts saying that they feel like they talk too much around introverts. I'm not sure if this goes for the majority of introverts, but I never really think anyone is talking too much, since I don't have half as much to say. I feel a ton, ton more comfortable when the other person is chatting away rather than sitting in awkward silence. So I don't think you should force yourself to talk less around introverts.

    This is also an observation of mine, but when there's a group of people talking all at the same time, when someone has something they say and can't find a break in the conversation, they just kind of interrupt quickly to get their point across without hindering the flow of things. So I guess that's a tip when you want to say something but can't find a pause in the convo. I'm not brave enough to practice that yet, though, lol.
    "So I say, live and let live. Thatís my motto. Live and let live.
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  3. #43
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    you say that, but take a look round here and you'll see extraverts complained at for talking too much all the time. you'll see introverts asking wtf our problem is that we "have to talk for the sake of it" or "just to fill silences" and "why can't you just sit and share the silence?" and stuff like that.

    introverts do make me feel nervous, they often make me feel like I'm this rabid motormouth and they're cool and calm and you know, well like I have to somehow bottle myself up or come across as totally chaotic and uncool. I feel like I can't be myself around them.

    that's just sometimes though... and I think they can forget, really, that they're not the only ones with insecurities - most people have them, and social anxieties, but like I say with the E's the drive to get out there just overrides them - it doesn't cancel them out or make them go away. How do you think YOU would feel if YOU were talking to someone, trying to make conversation, and they were just making short and minimalist replies? Or if YOU were taking initiatives with someone and inviting them, calling them up etc, but they never returned the gesture? Like any normal person with your basic insecurity/social anxiety, you'd figure it's cos you must be annoying them and they don't actually like you!

    re. interrupting to quickly say something when there's no pause in the conversation - that's something I was never comfortable with, it's just from growing up in England probably, people tend to be quite reserved and averse to just diving in, sorta thing. I found that diving head first into the local Indian community cured that completely! Anyone who's ever socialized with Indians will I'm sure know what I mean!
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  4. #44
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    Yeah, I can tell when extroverts are uncomfortable around me because I'm too quiet, which is definitely understandable. I always want to say, "Hey, it's alright, I'm just naturally quiet so don't feel bad or anything." But of course, I'm still huddled too far in my shell to be that open. So yeah, I know that others are also self-conscious, even extroverts. I think remembering that will help me become more sociable, because it makes me concentrate less on myself.

    I'm at college now, so those quick interruptions are probably more common here than in other places (and it's kind of necessary here, too, lol). And yeah you're right, being aware of the setting/culture is definitely important.
    "So I say, live and let live. Thatís my motto. Live and let live.
    Anyone who canít go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker."
    - George Carlin

  5. #45
    Welcome to Sunnyside Mondo's Avatar
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    I ask a lot of questions. I smile. I tell a lot of jokes. I try to get the person to talk about him/herself a lot. This sort of stuff comes fairly naturally to me.
    These are methods which can help you a lot.
    You have to convince the other person- whether he or she is an extravert or an introvert that you like him or her.. being too quiet gives off the impression that you're not really interested in anything he or she is talking about because you aren't contributing to the conversation. I'm pretty good at getting people to open up.
    MBTI Type: iNTj
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  6. #46
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    I have found that rather than repressing the whackness that goes on in my head in the form of my primary function for the sake of streamlining the conversation into what is expected, finding a way of just floating on the Ni stream works wonders. I'll be the person to say..."check out the tree..its shape is completely ironic in the context of this conversation...," or "This conversation is kind of dead...what do we do, what do we dooooooo?...we could pretend to be candy bars for the rest of the day." or "Do you also think in your head while talking?...no, I'm not that insane. :p...it's just...do you?"...I dunno, it's not fluent and can be weird, but if you say it with confidence and genuine enthusiasm (which is easy, as it's your primary process), it seems to work. You can't just simply extravert it all, though, because they will at some point get an overload of it, you need to be relaxed about it and engage them in it and make it accessible to them and allow them to contribute.

    Yes, it's easier to converse with INs than ISs for me. :p OTOH! A lot of people don't mind being a candy bar, even ISs, waaaay more people than you'd expect. And if they think it's a retarded idea (I'm looking at you, INTPs), we can banter about that. I've found that just because people are very different doesn't mean that they won't be open to sharing your way for a bit and talk about your interests. If the same is true for you, you have the makings of a great convo.

    And sometimes silence just fits.

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    introverts do make me feel nervous, they often make me feel like I'm this rabid motormouth and they're cool and calm and you know, well like I have to somehow bottle myself up or come across as totally chaotic and uncool. I feel like I can't be myself around them.
    You make a good point.

    Also, next to insecurity, exhaustion from extraverting also plays a huge role.

  7. #47
    Systematic chaos Cenomite's Avatar
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    Yeah, I constantly force myself outside my comfort zone to make friends and get access to new things. I'm usually nervous when I'm about to meet someone new or go to a new place, but I know that if I suck it up, then the result will be worth it.
    The probability that I was procrastinating when I was typing this post:

    P(have big assignment due) = 0.6
    P(posting on TypoC) = 0.2
    P(having big assignment due | posting on TypoC) = 0.7

    P(posting on TypoC | having big assignment due) = .......


    Eh, I'll finish it later.

  8. #48
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uytuun View Post
    A lot of people don't mind being a candy bar, even ISs, waaaay more people than you'd expect.


    Love it.

    EDIT: So I was just thinking about what it'd be like to be a candy bar, and I got as far as *sits perfectly still. unwraps a little tinfoil. glistens in the sun, melting*
    "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"

  9. #49
    Retired Member Wonkavision's Avatar
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    Also, consider your attitude toward Extraverts.

    If you're often critical of Extraverts, considering them superficial, silly, sloppy in their choice of words, etc. you are most likely going to be insecure in your attempts to Extravert.

    You'll be so afraid to "say the wrong thing" or "say it the wrong way", you won't even find the courage to make the effort.


    The harsher you judge others, the harsher you tend to judge yourself.
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  10. #50
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by poppy View Post


    Love it.

    EDIT: So I was just thinking about what it'd be like to be a candy bar, and I got as far as *sits perfectly still. unwraps a little tinfoil. glistens in the sun, melting*
    You're such a Mars.

    Try being eaten.

    Quote Originally Posted by Wonkavision View Post
    The harsher you judge others, the harsher you tend to judge yourself.
    You, my dear sir, have the insight of himself!

    *dips almondfeet in chocolate river*

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