Tips from extroverts to introverts

[Asterion]

I think Introverts are just as good when it comes to yapping their faces off, it's just that having a function like Ne at the forefront really helps, as it is absolutely natural for you to gather and store interesting or odd pieces of information. Conversations purpose is to share information, to make a fully functioning kitchen in a restaurant, communication is important, almost vital. So gathering information to share is the most vital point, it doesn't matter if you have to mull it over a little bit first, your conversation might be a little slower, but it will be just as interesting because it will probably pack more punch (so long as you say what you want before it's too late). So practice your Ne gathering skills in whatever free time you've got, and then unleash it upon people (when appropriate).

Dammit, I think I'm just repeating myself here... I tend to say a fair bit of meaningless crap

 

[Wonkavision]

My advice here is to greet them and mention something YOU did. Saw a movie or bought a new ____ album. Saw a TV show and liked it. Then ask if they're familiar with it and what they think of it. This will usually open up someone's views and it isn't small talk.

I don't know.

I think its better to focus on the other person rather than going right into what YOU did.

And at some point, just noting what you have in common gets boring for all involved.

It's a great way to start, but it won't keep the conversation going.


Interesting conversation results from the differences between people.

Find out, for example, whether they focus more on interpersonal harmony or a challenging exchange of ideas.

Either ask them directly, or ask questions that enable you to gauge which they're more comfortable with.


If they're focused on interpersonal harmony, find out what they're knowledgable about and see what can teach you.

Or if they like challenging exchanges of ideas, express a point of view and see if you can get a friendly debate going.


If you want interesting conversation, don't be afraid of differences.

Start with common interests, but make sure you introduce something challenging or provocative.

Don't overthink it.

Go with the flow.

Caution and control do not keep people engaged. Nor does symmetry and being too much alike.

Spontaneity and asymmetry is the key.

 

[poppy]

Spontaneity and asymmetry is the key.

Spoken like a true ENFP!

But actually it makes sense to try to identify whether or not the introvert in question would be interested in debate or a more harmonious exchange. If you're trying to engage them in a style of conversation that isn't working, a different approach might be all that's needed.

 

[Asterion]

I don't know.

I think its better to focus on the other person rather than going right into what YOU did.

And at some point, just noting what you have in common gets boring for all involved.

It's a great way to start, but it won't keep the conversation going.


Interesting conversation results from the differences between people.

Find out, for example, whether they focus more on interpersonal harmony or a challenging exchange of ideas.

Either ask them directly, or ask questions that enable you to gauge which they're more comfortable with.


If they're focused on interpersonal harmony, find out what they're knowledgable about and see what can teach you.

Or if they like challenging exchanges of ideas, express a point of view and see if you can get a friendly debate going.


If you want interesting conversation, don't be afraid of differences.

Start with common interests, but make sure you introduce something challenging or provocative.

Don't overthink it.

Go with the flow.

Caution and control do not keep people engaged. Nor does symmetry and being too much alike.

Spontaneity and asymmetry is the key.

So sharing the same opinion wont get you anywhere. It shouldn't be all that hard to have a differing view on something, for example, I came up with idea for Plasma cannon, INTJ came up with idea for plasma cannon, we both expressed these ideas, and they somehow turned out entirely different.

 

[CzeCze]

So basically I've realized that I really, really suck at talking to other introverts in real life. Like, it's always a hit or miss with whether we spark conversation, and it seems like even if I WANT to talk to them, there is just a lacking of conversation a lot of the time. With an extrovert, however, it's all fine, and it's enjoyable and a relief that they are more talkative and active in the discussion.

But really, how on earth do you extroverts do it? It's not a natural talent of mine, and it's something I want to be able to do.

Hey Black Cat - can you clearly explain your desire for conversational skills? What do you want to get out of conversation/a social interaction? Do you want to learn how to approach strangers and 'strike up a conversation' or merely 'conduct' a convo with someone you already know? Would it be possible to just learn to be content with silence and observation? Is it partly to meet social expectation?

When you talk to people, what exactly do you want to talk to them about? Can you remember the things extraverts bring up with you or how they keep the conversation flowing?

I just wanted to know more about your motivations and goals/expectations before giving you advice.

Off the cuff to answer your question - I just yap a lot. No really, I've babbled and gurgled since I learned how to talk (actually, probably did it while learning how to talk). I've always talked fast and I've always talked a lot. (You can ask people at past meet-ups! They know!)

I wasn't even aware that I talked a lot (even though classmates, sometimes total strangers told me this directly) until my late teens when I saw a video of myself at my 13th birthday party. Dear. Lord. As for with other people? Being a fellow Ne dom it'll be easier for you to do - I just ask a ton of questions and tell stories. Because I truly enjoy learning about other people and I want them to be engaged, otherwise really, I'll just shaddup. I talk about relevant topics, I segue into related stories and topics, I try to keep in mind everyone in the conversation and I'm mindful of not monopolizing topics or 'air time'. I encourage others to speak. (I think)

Some people naturally have a knack for conversation but it's also a learned skill. People generally enjoy talking about either themselves or something that interests them - or at the very least, these are areas of convo they should be familiar with.

Also, sometimes my entertainer/ham side comes out. I truly enjoy choppin' it up with people. Or having an audience. Blah blah blah blah. I own it.

And if it redeems me in any way, my hand to J*hova, a really cool introvert told me that he liked the way I talked alot and it wasn't annoying the way most people who talk a lot are annoying. I'm not sure how, though. I think because it's not fake or completely self-serving or talking for the sake of talking. Also I think what helps me talk to others is that I'm not stopped by seeming reticence or reluctance on the part of the other person. Generally I'll keep on trucking without (visible) judgement (hahaha) or signs of being put off or awkward or what not and continue to ask a person about XYZ etc. Some people just seem bored, cranky, haughty, cold, whateva, it doesn't mean they think everything coming out of your mouth is stupid or they want you to shut up.

A lot of it really is Ne/Fi at play. So you have all the tools you need.

And you're taking advice from an 'extravert' typing on an online forum at an ungodly time of day..night...etc. HA!

But seriously, answer those questions ^^ and I'll see what I can do.

 

[Wonkavision]

So sharing the same opinion wont get you anywhere. It shouldn't be all that hard to have a differing view on something, for example, I came up with idea for Plasma cannon, INTJ came up with idea for plasma cannon, we both expressed these ideas, and they somehow turned out entirely different.

Right.

And it's interesting how two people can approach the same thing two different ways.

My point exactly.

 

[substitute]

re the OP - I had to laugh. Usually all I hear from introverts here is about how ANNOYING extraverts are by being more talkative - it's a nice change to hear somebody actually appreciating it and acknowledging that often, without us, there wouldn't be any conversation!

 

[Sacrator]

If your a introvert i suggest you approach extroversion like practice. Silence your inner voice and don't question what your going to say just observe and react. Also if you like to beat yourself up over everything stop and be a comforter instead with a positive outlook on everything. If you have trouble thinking of things to say build up your social skills by putting yourself in the position everyday to talk to a lot of people. Soon talking with a extroverted person or a introverted person will be as easy as breathing.

 

[substitute]

yeah I notice that when I've talked with introverts about why they find conversation difficult, it's turned out that they seem to spend too much time "planning" the conversation. Like, they want to know it's going to go alright, so they're like, "well, I'll say this, and then if they say this then I'll say this, but if they say that then I'll say this, and then... and then what?" and at that point they run away. When really they shouldn't be doing that at all - you don't need to plan it anywhere beyond "I'll just go and say hi, and see what they say", and then you just react to what they say by saying whatever honestly comes into your head, perhaps after passing it through the tact filter, but if that's too much hard work then just blurt shit out anyway, you can always apologize and clarify later

Where the difficulty can come in is when you say hi to someone and then they don't really give you much to go by in return - very common with introverts. This is where the extravert ends up having to work hard to draw them out, and then reading on forums how introverts hate when we do that, that they wish we'd just leave them alone lol

I think in situations where someone seems to be quite hard work, disarming honesty's the way to go. You can just say "oh come on, you can give me more to work with than that, can't you?" with a smile, or "sorry I'm rubbish at conversations, I always get nervous and don't know what to say", and you'll find they'll often reply with something like a relieved expression and "me too!" and you've broken the ice.

Conversation between E and I would probably be more likely to flow than I and I in these situations, simply because with the latter, you've both got to be making an effort to go out of your comfort zone. Although remember that E's get nervous and insecure too, when we blunder in anyway it's because of the drive to externalize and connect, it overrides that anxiety but it doesn't mean we don't still feel it.

 

[Katsuni]

But how the hell can I, as in, ME, BlackCat, Chris, get better at this that you Extroverts are naturally good at? Explaining what you do with introverts as your natural extrovert self doesn't help.

I need some instruction, or pointers, just generally extrovert traits that I can learn to use occasionally. Something.

Well... keep in mind not 'all' extroverts are 'naturally' good in ALL forms of socialization. ENTX's especially may have slight issues here.

From my own perspective, I sadly can't offer instruction or pointers, because half the time I really don't fit in properly, and the other half it's such a natural thing that I have no clue how I actually pull it off.

One thing I've learned, is that if I'm in a group (let's use the vent channel for the forum for an example), then I'll generally try to force myself into a conversation by latching onto things other people say at first. If it's something I'm naturally interested in, this generally lets me slide in seamlessly with little issue. If it's just idle banter and nothing of much importance, perhaps just being silly, it's 50/50, sometimes it'll work, depending on the humour styles of people present, and sometimes it'll flop horribly, it'll seem obviously forced, and people will just get annoyed at it. It's pretty much random since it's based on the group, and there's not much control one has over that.

Generally I (and probably most NT's) tend to stick to things that directly interest me. I'm sure there's at least some sort of personality type that just LOVES to be in the center of attention regardless of whot it is, and they seriously don't care as long as they get an opportunity to jump into the middle of the conversation. I have no clue which personality type this is, but it'd definately be an E, probably an NF? I'm honestly not sure, I haven't quite mastered the whole 'memorize the letters and whot they mean' thing to the degree many here have XD In time, give it a month or two, I'm sure it'll come naturally then (though technically not since it wasn't a natural thing to just innately know but meh technicalities abound). Regardless, I'm sure that there are those who just swarm into conversation, no matter whot. But not everyone of the E's does so.

I think the biggest thing, is the ability to display false confidence when crowded, some people back off and hide when confronted with a social situation, others eagerly leap into it, and some like to 'hide in plain sight', by being in the middle of things in such a way that noone even really notices them. I'm somewheres between the first and last of that, as it'll swap randomly depending on the situation, and sometimes even within the same situation if one doesn't seem to be working so well.

Yeur best bet for working yeur way into a conversation, is to drop all pretense of worrying about whot people will think of yeu, and then leap into it whether it's a good idea or not. This can often cause yeu to get knocked back on yeur butt at times, but it's often the only way to get into a conversation. Run headfirst until yeu've got yeur foot in the door and there yeu are. From there, it's easy to continue, it's just that starting bit that's rough.

The biggest thing there is to keep track of where the ideal times to sneak into it are, it's easier to work yeur way in when it's not obvious, rather than being overly overt on the matter. That's a matter of practice, and a great deal of ability to sense how the group makeup meshes, and which conversation parts yeu're most adept at fitting in with. Easiest way I've found is to wait until I see something I just HAVE to reply to, and jump in then with my thoughts; if yeu wait too long though, the moment will be lost and it won't work, so being able to interject into a conversation, or type quickly helps. Personally, I type exceptionally fast, so online it's very easy for me, in person, I will never talk over anyone EVER so if they don't stop for breath, I will never be able to enter a conversation and will be stuck just listening, waiting for a free chance and it'll never show. If people pause to think though frequently, it's quite easy to slip in at that time.

I'm not sure how much that helps, but I hope it does to at least some small degree.

 

[cafe]

Just going blahblahblahblahbittyblah with whatever pops into your head seems to work fairly well, or it's the best thing I've come up with so far.

Except sometimes the weird stuff comes out, but people seem to prefer that to someone not saying anything most of the time. Meh.

 

[SilkRoad]

By and large I think my best friendships, and by extension my best conversations, have been with introverts. But I guess the initial stages can be challenging, and sometimes those initial stages can last for a long time (some friendships take a considerable time to develop.)

For an introvert, I think I can put up a pretty good extrovert front. I can be quite a people person if I'm fairly comfortable with the person/people I'm around, and I think I have managed to draw a few introverts out of their shell, at least temporarily. But if I'm met with a blank wall whatever I say, it's difficult.

Judging from the way many other INFJs seem to describe themselves, I don't think I'm as introverted as some - or perhaps the environments I've lived in have forced me to act more extroverted. However, I also don't think I'm as intuitive about other people/their feelings as a lot of INFJs either are, or claim to be (I don't really buy this "all true INFJs are psychic and know exactly what everyone else is thinking all the time" thing). So I find that with some people, it's relatively easy for me to tell what they're feeling/thinking even if they are quite reserved (or maybe I'm just kidding myself?!), but with others, I have no clue.

 

[Laurie]

I'm an Extravert, and it's usually easy to talk to other Extraverts, but they can be overwhelming at times.

Agreed.

You are going to have to be willing to "screw up" sometimes socially if you are going to try to be more outgoing.

Actually, I'm not the best, socially, unless I'm in a comfortable situation, so it's not just the extroversion.

 

[Lux]

You can develop Extraversion.


How do you do this?

Challenge yourself.


Introverts tend to mentally rehearse what they are thinking.

Challenge yourself to speak without rehearsing. In baby-steps, according to your comfort level.

The other Introvert will be glad you took the initiative.

It sounds like you're already trying this. Keep challenging yourself to do it more. You'll get better and better at it.


Speaking takes a lot of energy for Introverts, because they've already spent so much energy processing before they speak.

Less processing = more available energy.

More available energy = increased ability to Extravert.


It's a snowball effect.

Once you get momentum going, it's increasingly easier to keep it going.

But since you're an Introvert, you will need to conserve your energy wisely.

Don't talk about yourself.

Ask a lot of questions to determine their interests, and stick to topics around their areas of interest.

The one time Introverts have no difficulty in talking is when they are speaking about their special interest, hobby or skill.

You're probably already trying this, too. But keep trying.

I promise you'll get better and better at it.



I hope this is food for thought, or at the very least, that you find it encouraging.

Thank you for this advice. I'm back in school and I really have a hard time with talking to people I don't know. My husband (ENTJ) had some similar advice for me when I asked him how he does it. He also mentioned the asking questions about others, which is easy for me to do considering I'm so interested in people already. Thanks again, and it has been getting easier the more I do it

 

[ceecee]

ENFJ man told me that asking people questions about themselves is the best way to get the ball rolling (how long have you worked here, you have a Malibu sticker on your car, do you waterski, how long has your kid been playing soccer, etc). Even he gets a bit exhausted from making the talk all the time but I think that's partially due to that type being a little more introverted for an E. I think that the older and more experienced introverts get, the more they learn to develop some extroversion. Or at least learn to fake it better.

 

[Wonkavision]

Just going blahblahblahblahbittyblah with whatever pops into your head seems to work fairly well, or it's the best thing I've come up with so far.

Except sometimes the weird stuff comes out, but people seem to prefer that to someone not saying anything most of the time. Meh.

Yeah.

This is basically all there is to it.

 

[Wonkavision]

You are going to have to be willing to "screw up" sometimes socially if you are going to try to be more outgoing.

So true.

It's all about doing your best and challenging yourself.

Allowing yourself to fail and get back up again.

 

[Wonkavision]

Judging from the way many other INFJs seem to describe themselves, I don't think I'm as introverted as some - or perhaps the environments I've lived in have forced me to act more extroverted.

Yeah.

If anybody wants to develop any aspect of their personality, the best thing to do is expose themselves to situations where they're forced out of their comfort zone.

Introverts develop Extraversion by developing their secondary function.

By becoming more aware of their environment, they become more interested in direct, spontaneous interaction with it.
They seek out more external data and tend to ask people more questions, instead of just quietly researching things or wondering to themselves.

And as mentioned in other parts of this thread, asking people questions is a great way to keep a conversation going.


Life and Nature always encourage growth, and so people generally develop their weaker functions as they get older, by being forced to use them.

We don't usually have to seek out situations that challenge us, because life throws them at us all the time.

But the key is not to compulsively avoid them.

They are definitely opportunities for growth.

So, for example if Introverts want to develop Extraversion, all they have to do is challenge themselves to speak without rehearsing things in their head.

There will be plenty of opportunities to try this, and they can do it in baby steps, according to their comfort level.

 

[BlackCat]

Hey Black Cat - can you clearly explain your desire for conversational skills?

I want better conversational skills so that I can keep up my interaction with introverted acquaintances. This is because I desire to have more real "friends", but if you can't do anything for conversation...

What do you want to get out of conversation/a social interaction?

Probably more of a tighter bond between the two of us, a satisfying interaction.

Do you want to learn how to approach strangers and 'strike up a conversation' or merely 'conduct' a convo with someone you already know?

The latter. I'm just fine at starting the initial interaction, but with other introverts it's hard to keep it interesting after we share ourselves.

Would it be possible to just learn to be content with silence and observation?

This is what I usually do... But the thing is is that they're introverts, and they will respond and try to conserve as much people energy as possible with their response.

Is it partly to meet social expectation?

Nope, I already meet these I'd say.

yeah I notice that when I've talked with introverts about why they find conversation difficult, it's turned out that they seem to spend too much time "planning" the conversation. Like, they want to know it's going to go alright, so they're like, "well, I'll say this, and then if they say this then I'll say this, but if they say that then I'll say this, and then... and then what?" and at that point they run away. When really they shouldn't be doing that at all - you don't need to plan it anywhere beyond "I'll just go and say hi, and see what they say", and then you just react to what they say by saying whatever honestly comes into your head, perhaps after passing it through the tact filter, but if that's too much hard work then just blurt shit out anyway, you can always apologize and clarify later

Indeed. Usually I plan in my head to get an idea of what I want to say or what I expect someone to react like etc, but then I improvise from there.

Where the difficulty can come in is when you say hi to someone and then they don't really give you much to go by in return - very common with introverts. This is where the extravert ends up having to work hard to draw them out, and then reading on forums how introverts hate when we do that, that they wish we'd just leave them alone lol

Lol. When an introvert does that I go into question asking mode, ask a bajillion questions, answer for myself, they usually start commenting and talking.

Conversation between E and I would probably be more likely to flow than I and I in these situations, simply because with the latter, you've both got to be making an effort to go out of your comfort zone. Although remember that E's get nervous and insecure too, when we blunder in anyway it's because of the drive to externalize and connect, it overrides that anxiety but it doesn't mean we don't still feel it.

It's not getting out of the comfort zone, it's just that we usually think of responses that condense our thoughts as to save energy. And believe me, I need to do this. So in I-I interactions it's either really good since we've found something to talk about or we will just be sort of short and to the point when it's uninteresting.

I have no issues STARTING social relations or getting to know people, my issue is maintaining these relations and keeping them interesting when they are an introvert.

 

[substitute]

yeah I have had the exact same problem with every single INFP I've ever encountered, so I thought it was kinda funny and ironic that an INFP was asking for help with other people making it hard for them to stay in touch without always having to take the initiative and work at it harder than the other person does.

I guess a bit of honesty might help too, like actually saying to them hey, you know, do you wanna be part of this friendship or not? only cos like, you're making me do all the work and that's giving me this idea that maybe my gestures to you aren't welcome, cos you're just not reciprocating any of them. Maybe if they can be made to realize how it's making you feel, and kinda how anti-social and rude it is to accept it when someone comes to them but never make the effort themselves, it might spur them on a bit.

I find though that with some of the very passive introverts I know, who do this really badly, I've ended up having to just sorta demote them to outer circles of my life and let them go, as it were. Cos I just haven't the time or energy to maintain friends like that, who make me always have to go to them, when I've got other friends too who come to me and who, when I go to them, I don't feel like "here we go again, me having to do all the work". It's sad, cos some of them are people I really really dig and I do feel sad that they just can't seem to pull their fingers out, because on the times when I've made the effort we've had great conversations and got along really well, really enjoyed ourselves. But after exhausting myself with trying to keep up friendships with people like that, I've just kinda realized that it's not a fair expectation of myself, so I've had to leave them to decide whether they want the friendship or not and if they really did, they'd pull their fingers out. In 90% of cases they don't, and it genuinely does sadden me, but I get over it and let it go and have many other friends so...