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  1. #1
    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
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    Default Men, Women, and Crying

    Sorry that this is taken out of context a little. Here is an abbreviated but more relevant version of the post that sparked this convo:

    He's spiraling into shame and depression over this no matter what I do or say -- I feel like I've expressed reasonable boundaries, albeit emotionally (I try to express things rationally, but I often cry while I do it).
    Last edited by Eileen; 08-10-2009 at 11:37 AM.
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    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  2. #2
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eileen View Post
    I try to express things rationally, but I often cry while I do it
    Ouch. If I were him I'd feel terrible too.

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    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    Ouch. If I were him I'd feel terrible too.
    I know, but I can't help it. It is frustrating for me that the fact that I cry ever stops a conversation. He raises his voice and shouts sometimes, and I cry sometimes. I don't really see that those are different things--it's just emotional expression. I can continue the conversation if he lets me.
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    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

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    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eileen View Post
    I know, but I can't help it. It is frustrating for me that the fact that I cry ever stops a conversation. He raises his voice and shouts sometimes, and I cry sometimes. I don't really see that those are different things--it's just emotional expression. I can continue the conversation if he lets me.
    I accept that you see it that way, but I don't think many guys would agree. I think most guys consider crying either emotional manipulation or a sign that we've crossed the line in a pretty serious way.

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    Senior Member weminuche's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    sign that we've crossed the line in a pretty serious way.
    Well...he has in this case. See previous analogies of women going on about how they love thick hair or tall men (when you arent/havent) either....and gawking at them constantly.

    I wouldn't cry, but it's obviously something very serious when it gets to the level she is describing.
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  6. #6
    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    I accept that you see it that way, but I don't think many guys would agree. I think most guys consider crying either emotional manipulation or a sign that we've crossed the line in a pretty serious way.
    He does have that reaction--that he's crossed the line. And he has crossed the line in this case, but it's not the end of the world.

    Also, sometimes I just cry. I don't know what to do about the problem of him wigging out when that happens. I guess that I could go somewhere else and cry, but that doesn't seem like it'd improve the situation if he still knows that I'm crying. The other option is not having the conversations at all, because I can freeze out my crying by not talking about things.
    Last edited by Eileen; 08-10-2009 at 12:46 AM.
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    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

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    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by weminuche View Post
    Well...he has in this case. See previous analogies of women going on about how they love thick hair or tall men (when you arent/havent) either....and gawking at them constantly.
    I wasn't saying he hasn't crossed the line, I was just saying that most men wouldn't consider raising your voice on a par with crying when it comes to emotional expression. Raising your voice is something you do with your mates when you're having a disagreement over who was the greatest left-handed batsman of all time. Crying is not.

    But if crying is something that is part and parcel of your communication Eileen then there isn't much you can do about it. Just make sure he understands that for you crying isn't as big a deal as he might think it.

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    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by weminuche View Post
    Well...he has in this case. See previous analogies of women going on about how they love thick hair or tall men (when you arent/havent) either....and gawking at them constantly.
    I wasn't saying he hasn't crossed the line, I was just saying that most men wouldn't consider raising your voice on a par with crying when it comes to emotional expression. Raising your voice is something you do with your mates when you're having a disagreement over who was the greatest left-handed batsman of all time. Crying is not.

    But if crying is something that is part and parcel of your communication Eileen then there isn't much you can do about it. Just make sure he understands that for you crying isn't as big a deal as he might think it.

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    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    I was just saying that most men wouldn't consider raising your voice on a par with crying when it comes to emotional expression.
    Well, sure, but I think that yelling/shouting is kind of on a par with crying. Raising one's voice in and of itself is not.
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    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  10. #10
    Senior Member weminuche's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    I wasn't saying he hasn't crossed the line, I was just saying that most men wouldn't consider raising your voice on a par with crying when it comes to emotional expression. Raising your voice is something you do with your mates when you're having a disagreement over who was the greatest left-handed batsman of all time. Crying is not.
    I hear ya. Personally I'd rather deal with crying than rage/screaming though. For me...crying at least says to me that they care. I have a hard time dealing with anger and screaming though....so maybe it's just me.
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