As you may have seen I am a pretty unhealthy ENFP. I have trouble with liking people and hating gives me a kick. So, I've said it. I'm getting pretty tired of this and I feel like it makes me unable to live a fairly normal life. I want to become more healthy, but unfortunately I can't get any professional help and I can't even go to see a shrink. So I wonder if someone could bive me some tips.
Before someone asks me how I've become like this:
My parents never had a really loving relationship. I was born to keep them together, but all the love I've seen in my entire childhood came from Disney movies. My mother always seemed to be annoyed and even a bit disgusted by my father and my dad always tried to dominate us. All they ever did was fighting with each other. Whenever I went to bed, they started yelling at each other. My father never really liked people and remained distant with all of the neighbors. I was never allowed to play outside, because all the other kids were "scum". My mother was always working and I have no idea where my dad hung out. So I grew up alone. I was only allowed to bring class mates home twice a week, and only for one and a half hour. I spent my childhood drawing, writing (those two things pissed my dad of, because drawing is "such a shame for all those trees" and my writing "won't ever be read by anyone") watching tv and Disney movies ("that's bad for your eyes") and playing with barbies ("what do you want to accomplish with that?!"). Once a week we went to an entertainment park where dad told me everything about "social people" and "intellectuals like us" and why "intellectuals like us" are way better that "social people". My family didn't like me, and I always used to be the black sheep. For example: when I was little and my aunts decided that all grand children should recieve a particular gift (an Xbox, for example) they indeed gave that gift to all of the grand children, except me. When I got 10 years old, my dad decided that I had to be the best student in our class. So what did he do? He made me hate all of my class mates by telling me why they were all bad and wrong. And whenever I told him about something stupid that someone did, he made me believe that that person bullied me and that I should hate them and do something back (even if that stupid action wasn't dircted at me). My father always seemed to enjoy seeing me hating someone and even rewarded it if I hated anybody.
Result: I grew up to be a hateful person like my father. I need to hate people and if I love someone it makes me feel guilty. And I'm not proud of it. Whenever I watch my father's life, I know that I don't want that kind of life for myself. My father has no social life, all he does is complaining about his students and colleagues, my mother wanted to leave him 5 years ago (in the end she didn't because of the money), he can't sleep and his blood pressure is extremely high (I'm actually surprised that he's still alive). I can't just go live somewhere else because I'm still in high school. Could anybody tell me how I could become normal again?