If you want to go and study in another town and if you want to go live on your own, you only get like 200 euros a month for living. And then they don't even expect you to go and find a job, as far as I've heard. But that doesn't matter. When I'm going to university, I'm going to quit eating. That would make things a lot easier and I'm sure it wouldn't hurt. Look at all the third world countries. People who live there don't eat, and look at how many of them are living on this planet!
What interests you? What area of study brings you pure joy in its pursuit? If you can answer that question, many paths may open.
I am going to study psychology. I already decided that a few years ago after an incident at school.
My suggestion is to start writing as much about psychology as you can possibly tolerate, and start sending it to as many people as you can. If you're good (and you seem to be so far), someone will notice, even if it is as far away as over here in the US, and plenty of money is available for the promotion of academic talent.
Just don't ever think there isn't a way out. You were gifted with extraverted intuition; it's literally impossible for people of that orientation to truly believe there is no way out.
Mind you, I'm in no way discounting how upsetting this state of affairs is for you. It's sad that the world can't live up to its ideals, and in no way is it right that inquisitive and curious people such as yourself have to struggle with those who can't see past the tip of their own nose.
Just know that you're capable of being the person you want to be, and doing the things you want to do.
My last five years have been spent teaching on an Indian reserve where there is a lot of dysfunction and unhappiness for a variety of reasons. In many cases, there may only be one person in the family who is not dealing with addictions and most people have major traumas in their lives there on a regular basis: untimely deaths, poor health, abuse, violence etc.
I have seen some kids that would thrive if they were to be taken out of their current situation and many of the symptomatic problems they are experiencing (using pot to cope, being in unhealthy relationships, disengagement with school, etc) would also improve. In many cases though, even if it were an option, the kids that have had an opportunity to get out often return because they want what is familiar and they want their own people to love and care for them.
In your case, things are not going to change right away for you, so instead, you need to learn how to adapt to your circumstances. Fortunately, people are incredibly resillient. You have also recognized some of the root problems and are working to change them. That's a huge part of making your own world better.
1. Find some caring adults who you can look to for healthy emotional attachment. Right now your parents and family are not able to provide what you need from them. Our brains require strong emotional attachment to someone or they are unable to get on with the business of emotional maturity and adaptability, so you need someone you can get that from. People your own age are not going to be able to love you unconditionally and they also are absorbed in their own problems and are not mature yet themselves. You can look for this through a church, school, or perhaps in a community organization.
2. Find a positive outlet for developing your skills and figuring out who you are. The fact that you haven't completely numbed your feelings is a healthy and a good sign, even if it creates pain for you. It means that your emotions can continue to function as they should and you will mature in the way you need to. You can speed up that process by looking for every way you can to develop confidence. One way of developing confidence is to start looking outwards at what you can contribute to other people or what you could learn from them. This will also help with the tendancy to hate/write people off. Everyone has something to teach us, whether through their bad example/bad qualities, or through what they have to offer. Volunteer, practice doing a lot of writing and drawing, discuss ideas with people here, travel when you can, learn to do new things. Practice seeing what you can get out of every conversation or interaction that you have with someone which will add to your store of abilities/knowledge etc. Try writing down the things that happen each day that you can be thankful for. By developing skills and a positive outlook, these will in turn connect you with other people, give you positive feedback from them, make you an interesting and valuable person and prepare you for whatever the next stage of life is.
3. Whatever you need to do now, do it well. Many people are worried about figuring out their whole life plan or solving all their problems at once. If you are a student, right now your job is to do the best that you possibly can at it (for your own sake, not your dad's!) so that you are ready when new opportunities come your way. Your parents have not been the greatest for you. However, you can be the best kid you can be for them, even if you recognize that you do not want to interact in some of the ways they may want to draw you into. Look for the family members who are the least difficult and see if there are ways to reach out to them. Work at building a circle of people around you who can also stand in as extra family for you. Start saving what money you do have now, so that when opportunities come along, you can take them.
4. Look at the things you can't change that you hate: it might be where you were born, things that have happened in your life, how you look (by the way you are very pretty, but we all have things that irrationally bother us), abilities you don't have etc. You will need to come to a place where you don't just distance yourself from those facts or try to alter what can't be altered, but rather find some reasons that they actually could change your life for the better. Your experiences will give you an empathy that no one else who hasn't experienced what you have could have for someone going through the same thing. You may develop insight and strength that you would never otherwise have found. You may be perfectly suited for something that you can't possibly foresee at this time. Your "deficiencies" might actually steer you towards people, work or great experiences that you would not have found, had things been easier for you.
Through my world view, I also believe that each of us were created by a wise and loving designer who has a purpose for each of us in this world. The experiences and the qualities that we have suit us perfectly for the kind of work we are given. We also are shaped by difficulties to have the rough edges of us worn off and to become what we ought to be. Even when we have been forsaken by everyone else in the world, God serves as a perfect parent, who gives peace that passes all understanding and who like a good parent, will carry our heaviest suitcases and bear the burdens of our worst problems for us.
5. Assess the things you can at this point which have been positive about where you grew up. Keep them and build on them. Look at what you didn't like about the way you've been raised and plan for how you can avoid them, rather than growing to hate or cut yourself off from the people who have perpetuated them.
6. Develop a philosophy/set of values through which you view the world and make decisions. Everyone needs something to go back to and measure against. In this way, your decisions and behaviour become consistent rather than random according to how you feel at the time. Feelings are important and must never be ignored, but they are also changeable and need to a logical framework to build them into. Good decisions can withstand scrutiny. Find wise people who have a stake in life going well to become a committee of "sober second thought" (that's what our senate is supposed to be for the country) so that if there is something you have missed, or useful outside information to be gained, they could be your go to people. You don't have to do what they say, but rather, consider their point of view so that you are sure that you have looked at your own choices from all angles.
I think you show a lot of maturity in recognizing the potential pitfalls you are facing and trying to be proactive. Keep on keeping on! We're rooting for you!
As you may have seen I am a pretty unhealthy ENFP. I have trouble with liking people and hating gives me a kick. So, I've said it. I'm getting pretty tired of this and I feel like it makes me unable to live a fairly normal life. I want to become more healthy, but unfortunately I can't get any professional help and I can't even go to see a shrink. So I wonder if someone could bive me some tips.
Before someone asks me how I've become like this:
My parents never had a really loving relationship. I was born to keep them together, but all the love I've seen in my entire childhood came from Disney movies. My mother always seemed to be annoyed and even a bit disgusted by my father and my dad always tried to dominate us. All they ever did was fighting with each other. Whenever I went to bed, they started yelling at each other. My father never really liked people and remained distant with all of the neighbors. I was never allowed to play outside, because all the other kids were "scum". My mother was always working and I have no idea where my dad hung out. So I grew up alone. I was only allowed to bring class mates home twice a week, and only for one and a half hour. I spent my childhood drawing, writing (those two things pissed my dad of, because drawing is "such a shame for all those trees" and my writing "won't ever be read by anyone") watching tv and Disney movies ("that's bad for your eyes") and playing with barbies ("what do you want to accomplish with that?!"). Once a week we went to an entertainment park where dad told me everything about "social people" and "intellectuals like us" and why "intellectuals like us" are way better that "social people". My family didn't like me, and I always used to be the black sheep. For example: when I was little and my aunts decided that all grand children should recieve a particular gift (an Xbox, for example) they indeed gave that gift to all of the grand children, except me. When I got 10 years old, my dad decided that I had to be the best student in our class. So what did he do? He made me hate all of my class mates by telling me why they were all bad and wrong. And whenever I told him about something stupid that someone did, he made me believe that that person bullied me and that I should hate them and do something back (even if that stupid action wasn't dircted at me). My father always seemed to enjoy seeing me hating someone and even rewarded it if I hated anybody.
Result: I grew up to be a hateful person like my father. I need to hate people and if I love someone it makes me feel guilty. And I'm not proud of it. Whenever I watch my father's life, I know that I don't want that kind of life for myself. My father has no social life, all he does is complaining about his students and colleagues, my mother wanted to leave him 5 years ago (in the end she didn't because of the money), he can't sleep and his blood pressure is extremely high (I'm actually surprised that he's still alive). I can't just go live somewhere else because I'm still in high school. Could anybody tell me how I could become normal again?
I'm really sorry to hear you've been raised under such circumstances.
If you don't mind me saying, it sounds like your parents, your dad in particular, has anti social problems and had little idea how to raise you. It's really sad and I'm sorry for saying it.
All of this seems like it would destroy your self respect. You don't have a tone of control over your life and your father is telling you how to view the world ahead of you at such a vulnerable age. I can see why it has lead you to some problems.
I think getting away from them once you are done with high school will help a little. I think you need to gain self respect. You are not a bad person, and you are not full of hate. You have the capability to love and live as those who lived in the Disney Movies. You need to always tell yourself that. You need to make yourself vulnerable to change and to fall in love and to like people. Put yourself in situations to develop relationships with others and grow. Perhaps this forum could help even.
I think the answer is within you, not in front of you. You do have all of these capabilities, they just haven't been found yet. You will see them, though. It's all temporary. Learn to love yourself and respect yourself and you will eventually be able to love and respect those around you. You can be one of those girls in those Disney Movies. You already are, you just don't see it and are blinded by your fathers image. Forget what he tells you, and stop seeing yourself as your fathers image.
Good luck, Saint Kar! I really hope you can overcome this, it must be difficult. I think this is a step to changing by talking and learning from people at this forum.
Is it that by its indefiniteness it shadows forth the heartless voids and immensities of the universe, and thus stabs us from behind with the thought of annihilation, when beholding the white depths of the milky way?
Saint Kar - I was just rereading your original point. Some more things occurred to me, which you may have thought of as well.
It seems clear that your dad's disdain for others (no interest in the neighbours, calling the other kids "scum", needing you to be the best in school, complaining about his students and colleagues, needing to control things) make him look very hard and tough, when in reality, he is probably more emotionally sensitive and fragile than average. These are defenses he has put up to deal with the discomfort of what he is feeling. Some of them probably are present without him even being aware of what is causing it. I expect that whatever has happened in his past has contributed to feelings of underconfidence, worthlessness and not being good enough. It comes out in these ways, which alienate everyone who could be a support to him or who could love him and it is affecting his health. When you see someone in that situation as a person in distress rather than as an impenetrable bully, it changes how you feel about them and interact with them.
Unfortunately, it also makes you feel uncomfortable about responding differently to people because we are made in such a way that we want to follow the social cues that our parents give and feel guilty when we don't. For example, those who have not been raised to say I love you, find it difficult to do so later, even if they understand intellectually that it is good and appropriate. The same goes for things like eye contact (or lack thereof), how to deal with strong emotions, whether or not tears are okay and being affectionate. It is what helps us do what we are supposed to and absorb the behaviours and attitudes of those in charge of us. However, sometimes that gets skewed when the person leading is not demonstrating good behaviours and attitudes. Your awareness of this is important. You will find yourself uncomfortable with behaving the opposite of your dad at first, even if you really dislike how he is. It may take years even, but your intellectual understanding of it will eventually reach an emotional understanding of it as well.
The other thing that I forgot to bring up before as well is that the ability to have tears over the hugely disappointing things to you that can't change is the key to your brain allowing movement to a new and more effective course of action. When your brain senses that you are facing some kind of vulnerability that is too hard to bear, it will try to protect you by numbing your feelings out and eventually even by interfering with your ability to recognize what hurts you and have tears over it. This makes you "stuck" in behaviours that are not working for you. Once you come to a deep emotional recognition of what is not working for you, the frustration and agression that comes from these things not working and the stuckness in the old patterns decreases.
Being able to feel fear is also a barometer of your emotional health. When a child does not feel secure, they will start feeling agitation that may manifest itself in restlessness, or inattention or lack of focus. This is a normal and good reaction in our body (eg fire alarms make us get up and take some kind of action towards change!). However, if the insecurity is there all the time, it starts to be like a constant alarm that we try to shut out, but which our body keeps registering. It goes through several levels, until at last, we lose even the ability to feel normal fear and that is when you see people taking unreasonable risks without any worry or begin to cut themselves just to feel something. In both the case of feeling the ability to have tears over what doesn't work and fear over what should alarm, these can be revived through having a strong working attachment with someone stable. It is essential to find people who can serve as this for you!
But Fi is some weird shit. I think Fi studies social interactions around it and uses those lessons observed to serve as the foundation of its "rules" also known as our internal values. In your case your Fi rules may be a little different from the norm given what you grew up observing.
Perhaps you can consiously choose to reform those Fi rules. Ne is incredible flexible.
Focus on the Fi mirror effect-when someone around you suffers-relax, gut breathe deeply and really allow yourself to feel thier pain. It means you have to relax all your defenses-conciously drop the Te barriers? and may take 20 or 30 seconds to kick it. allow yourself to hurt for them. If you do this it will allow you to redefine what the Fi rules are for you perhaps?
Also look for others pleasure and feel that as well. My Fi loves to see others who are in love. Even boys who I have liked and been sad to not have as mine, when I see them in love, I am so. so happy for them. Just like above, allow yourself to feel thier joy.
Can you volenteer somehow? Even something dumb like picking up trash? Fi wants to endlessly give itself to others I think-so I will often feel very emo happy when I help others. It really suprised me the first few times I felt that.
I hope some of this is of some help... but could be BS.