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  1. #31
    Senior Member Gewitter27's Avatar
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    I pretty much meet the BL criteria, except for the Black and White thinking that defines it.
    I 96% N 93% T 75% P 63% 5w4 sp/sx/so ILI
    Ti>Ne>Te>Ni>Si>Fi>Se>Fe
    I'm interested in what you percieve me to be. Johari/Nohari

  2. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by hommefatal View Post
    It suits me very well. I always think "I'm so alone, I need a partner" but when I meet someone I fear they could hate me.
    I have the same problem, however, I usually am right about them gettign to hate me.

  3. #33
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    A partner isn't going to make you feel not alone in the long term.

    These feelings hommefatal, won't go away all at once, simply because it takes time to develop confidence and a sense of who you are. I think most of us at 15 were not quite comfortable with ourselves. One way of dealing with that is trying on different personas and different ways of dressing to see if they fit and feel comfortable. Most people do that in some way or another.

    Your "acting like a lunatic" I think is one way of trying on a different persona. In this case, it is a particularly obnoxious one that people sometimes don't react well to. The pity is that people never actually get to meet you, which you are not sure that they'll like. If you act loud and a little offensive, then it is not nearly so devastating if they don't like you, because it's not really you.

    You also have a real need to be unique. The rest of us all want to be appreciated for what makes us different from other people. However, there are ways to go about it which alienate others, and ways that will bring others closer to us. It looks to me that if given the choice, for you negative attention (even if it hurts you) is much better than no attention at all.

    The biggest two keys dealing with the uncomfortable and frightening feelings you mentioned are these: first of all, you need a close emotional connection to someone that will love you unconditionally. If you don't have this at home, you need to find it in the form of a teacher, someone at a church, or a caring adult in the community. Although people your own age aren't bad, they are going through the same struggles as you are and do not have abililty at this time to give you the attention and love that you need in a healthy way. When your brain is less busy trying to find a strong attachment to someone, it is will start helping you develop emotionally. There is a bunch more that could be said about this, but I will save for another post. Secondly, you need to develop a sense of identity and confidence based on actual skills as well as character qualities that you develop. In every conversation and with every person you meet, there is something that you can learn from them. Even people who do things negatively are opportunities to learn how you don't want to go about it. Start reaching out to the people that you meet. Ask them questions. Build on the things that you are already good at. Volunteer. Teach other people any skills you have and keep acquiring new ones. Think of ways that you could show appreciation or help for others. You will find that people start responding differently to you and you will also have confidence from knowing that you know how to do something well and have something to offer others. There is only a need to act crazy and unconventional (and offensive) when you don't feel like you have a legitimate identity to show to those that you meet. I think there is an interesting and talented person in you that others rarely get to look at when they meet you. Find him!!

  4. #34
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    fidelia- +1!

    hommefatal- I'm hearing less what sounds like borderline, and more an intelligent teenager (with a penchant for the bizarre) who's trying to find their unique place in life.

    Borderliners (and I've attracted more than a couple) tend to obsess over a certain person who makes them feel safe and admired, and then BLOW and hate you when you're not the perfectly reciprocating being they'd envisioned. And they're incapable of ever stepping out of that, nearly, and often never realize they do it.

    The fact that you're concerned about it at such a young age makes me think you may be fascinated by the idea of being borderline, and that you have a(n undeveloped) knack for recognizing emotional/relational patterns. If you're like most abstract thinking people, you'll likely try on several different "skins" before you find the one that suits you best.

    I think Fidelia is right, there's a very bright, unique young man in you. The more confident you grow, the more you'll be able to pick him out in a lineup and say, "That's ME." It will get easier to separate yourself from all the other observations you're picking up on, promise. :O)
    I think I think more than you think I think.

  5. #35
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    I have had exactly the same problem and I actually feel It's coming up every now and then. As a pretending psychiatrist; isn't this a sign of repressed rage/anger? (I'm refering to the attitude of not wanting to be "normal")

  6. #36
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Fear of rejection is quite a common FJ trait. The idea of not wanting to be normal can also be linked to fear of rejection, if you adopt the belief that nobody is going to be interested in normal people. I need to be unique and special for people to recognise me and therefore loved.

  7. #37
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    Im not so sure if ISFJ's and INFJ's have the same reason for the dislike of being normal. Personally I really don't have any problem of actually being normal or living a normal life. BUT, there are 2 things that scares the shit out of me. And it is, 1; the inflexibility it brings with having chidlren, wife, house with taxes etc, not being able any more to control the direction of your life (fear of living for others in a traditional way), 2; having to act normal (sensibel) yet still feel inside that it is totally against what I want my life to be, having an appearance to others that I am in control while feeling like a freak inside just makes me crazy and feel like a liar. I ALWAYS have unconventional thoughts, always thinking almost directly opposed to what you are suppose to think when you live a normal life.

    Im not afraid feeling that other people might get bored of me. If they do get bored of me I just figure that we probably have different life rythms, and that's the end of that. Not to get hung up

  8. #38
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lorkan View Post
    Im not so sure if ISFJ's and INFJ's have the same reason for the dislike of being normal. Personally I really don't have any problem of actually being normal or living a normal life. BUT, there are 2 things that scares the shit out of me. And it is, 1; the inflexibility it brings with having chidlren, wife, house with taxes etc, not being able any more to control the direction of your life (fear of living for others in a traditional way), 2; having to act normal (sensibel) yet still feel inside that it is totally against what I want my life to be, having an appearance to others that I am in control while feeling like a freak inside just makes me crazy and feel like a liar. I ALWAYS have unconventional thoughts, always thinking almost directly opposed to what you are suppose to think when you live a normal life.

    Im not afraid feeling that other people might get bored of me. If they do get bored of me I just figure that we probably have different life rythms, and that's the end of that. Not to get hung up
    Overall I doubt there is a strong correlation between type and reason for not wanting to be normal. I've only given one of the reasons, my reason, that a person may dislike being normal. But Yes~ I don't really identify so much with those feelings since from my perspective it's possible to be normal and authentic at the same time. I'm probably naive but most individuals I met aren't really normal when I get to know them on a deeper level. This whole idea of a norm based on perception of social mass can sometimes be a little pointless. It reminds me of how I can generalise and dislike large groups of people, but when I meet them on an individual level it's as if it's no longer there. *shrugs*

  9. #39
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I agree that people need to find a balance between authenticity and being in control of themselves. However, in the case of hommefatale, I almost feel that he is referring to behaviour that is meant to shock/get a reaction from others. That, I feel, is actually not authentic and feels a little forced. It also is not working well for him because he feels rejected a lot of the time and yet does not want to change what he is doing. He wants people to accept him unconditionally. Perhaps after people come to love him, they can do that, but as a first impression or a casual acquaintance, they can't and won't appreciate him for that.

    In your case Lorkin, you might choose to have an unconventional life that may not include a wife, kids, and taxes and that's just fine. As for having strange thoughts etc, the fact is no one expresses everything they are thinking to everyone they meet all the time. There is nothing wrong with expressing your thoughts and being who you are. However, you may only do that with a select group of people. We all behave somewhat differently according to what a situation calls for.

    If I prefer to wear jeans, it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm being inauthentic when I arrive at a wedding appropriately dressed. It would be self-centred and rude of me to dress for comfort on an occasion like that, even if I didn't care what people thought about my attire for my own sake. It would imply a lack of respect for the people getting married and the seriousness of the occasion, so for their sake, I dress up. I think that social behaviour is similar. No one is saying that you have to make a situation where you are socially "dressed up" all the time your main milieu, but there are times when it implies a lack of respect and consideration if you don't make an effort to put others at ease and do what is appropriate for that situation.

  10. #40
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LostInNerSpace View Post
    How do you know what he is thinking? Can you read his mind? Is the information second hand? Did someone tell you what he is thinking? If so, did that person interpret what they heard correctly? Did you correctly interpret that persons interpretation? Did he tell you what he was thinking? Did you correctly interpret what he told you?

    Seems to me you might be thinking too much.
    The conclusion was drawn from the original post. There was nothing in Fidelia's post that indicates huge assumptions or attempts at mind reading. From my perspective Fidelia is merely commenting on the fact that it's fine to lead or have unconventional lifestyles/thoughts. She is challenging the original belief put forward that society rejects people, that it's not fine to express these feelings and that a mask must be put on. Ultimately there is no problem of being inauthentic, if there is no need to hide in the first place because society does not demand it. She is claiming that most people don't reveal their inner thoughts, and that individuals shown unusual parts of themselves depending on their situation. I'd further add that it's possible the idea of normal behaviour may just be an illusion.

    This is supported by the fact that most individuals consider themselves unique and being slightly unconventional. Group behaviour tends to be extremely different to individual behaviour - People's perceptions of normal tend to be based on social masses.

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