User Tag List

First 12

Results 11 to 16 of 16

  1. #11
    Senior Member ptgatsby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    ISTP
    Posts
    4,474

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Yes, you're right -- I think real-life experience was a shock to me. There are things you just do not "get" until you experience them. And IxTP does have a hard time with marriage relationally, depending on the partner.
    Just to be clear, you guys weren't living together or anything - how long did you know each other?

    Obviously a hell of a projection, but how universal are those shocks to marriage in particular? And would you think that it would be as much of an issue for NP and I?

    I think I understand that. To be honest, I am still told that I don't "talk enough." I very much will wait until an idea is formed/finished in my head (as much as I can) until I let someone else know about it; but most people in relationships seem to feel better / feel more included if they are part of the formulation process.
    NP isn't like that, I can say that. I've been planning our wedding and she wasn't interesting in talking about it at all (I'm not doing anything until I know it's happening!). In under 24 hours of me proposing, we now have visited family, told friends, arranged meetings with the restaurant we want, picked best man, talked to him, picked maid of honor, talked to her, set our budget, decided our priorities, talked political strategy with our families...

    Well, you get the idea. J kick in, P whimper.

    You could just do it at home. (You just need a good pair of scissors, and some duct tape!)
    ... That's just plain scary. I'm going to have nightmares now, thanks.


    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    ...
    You mention single parent childhoods - one of the flags for counseling is divorced parents. Do you think that's valid at all?

    The part of the discussion that helped me the most was that the man was a big introverted geek. Way more rigid than Don so probably an ISXJ and his wife told me that sometimes you just have to take the book out of his hands and sit on his lap and that cooking, etc wasn't the big deal to men that people made it out to be.
    Ah, breaking of stereotypes and all that... Hmmm, I could see that being of value, always.

    I don't know if that helps at all?
    Helps a lot Just curious as to where you saw the advantages and where it didn't help. A lot of it seems to be very situational - We're older, more established, more life planning. We talked out a lot of the issues already... It doesn't seem like something that I can say we certainly need... But I do see the stereotypes and the blind spots as an issue. Sadly, those things I can't evaluate, otherwise I'd solve... but isn't that the point of it? I guess so

  2. #12
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    9,827

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ptgatsby View Post
    You mention single parent childhoods - one of the flags for counseling is divorced parents. Do you think that's valid at all?
    I think it can be. For us, it made us more conscious of things we didn't want to do and made us motivated to figure out what worked, etc. It doesn't work that way for everyone and not everyone handles it the same way Don or you or I would, by doing research and studying and trying to avoid statistical pitfalls.

    Quote Originally Posted by ptgatsby View Post
    Helps a lot Just curious as to where you saw the advantages and where it didn't help. A lot of it seems to be very situational - We're older, more established, more life planning. We talked out a lot of the issues already... It doesn't seem like something that I can say we certainly need... But I do see the stereotypes and the blind spots as an issue. Sadly, those things I can't evaluate, otherwise I'd solve... but isn't that the point of it? I guess so
    Yeah, that's the thing. To me, it's more of a precaution than anything. To be honest you two seem like you have it pretty well together.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #13
    Rubber Nipple Salesperson ladypinkington's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    1,126

    Default

    My husband and I did pre-marital counseling and also went through financial peace university together. I think the pre-marital counseling was definately an asset. One of the pastors in the church did it with us and it was helpful because other people outside the relationship can ask you questions and get you thinking about things you would have never thought of and there are opportunities for dialogue as a couple while in counseling that might not have otherwise come up. It was good to go over life goals- learning who you are and learning who she is in more ways like what are the expectations that each person has? They go through long term plans and day to day runthroughs that are important to go over and talk about. I don't know that much about him but supposedly this guy is pretty good and helpful- The Gottman Institute -

    I would definately recommend also going through budget counseling I guess you could call it and making a budget together before you get married and or very soon afterwards that way you will both be on the same page. You seem very financially savvy so this may be preaching to the choir I would just encourage you to make sure she is on the same page with you. I just wanted to add this in anyway as my husband and I have been married for 5 years now and we have only had 1 argument about money the whole time and that was in the beginning- and all of that was 100 percent due to talking about it and getting on the same page early on and making a budget together and staying on it together.

    Another helpful thing that has benefited the realtionship is learning and going through the five love languages.
    Me and hubby made an RPG Nutrition Game
    Play and Vote July 14th to Aug 14th
    http://www.appsforhealthykids.com/ap...ing-vegetables

  4. #14
    Senior Member ptgatsby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    ISTP
    Posts
    4,474

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ladypinkington View Post
    I would definately recommend also going through budget counseling I guess you could call it and making a budget together before you get married and or very soon afterwards that way you will both be on the same page.
    Thanks for that The budget part we did when we moved in together already... in many ways, most of the issues I think we would of found out about have been covered that way. Still sounds like there is some value to be had, if you get the right person.

  5. #15
    Rubber Nipple Salesperson ladypinkington's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    1,126

    Default

    You know what- I forgot to congratulate you. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am so happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Me and hubby made an RPG Nutrition Game
    Play and Vote July 14th to Aug 14th
    http://www.appsforhealthykids.com/ap...ing-vegetables

  6. #16
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    5,350

    Smile

    Quote Originally Posted by ptgatsby View Post
    So, getting married and all...

    One of the things I was tossing around in my head was if it was worth getting pre-marriage counseling... or what do they call it now, pre marriage education? Well, whatever name it goes by now, a lot of statistics have shown that doing so greatly decreases the chance of divorce and has an impact on the happiness/satisfaction of the marriage.


    But I would see this as a bit of a self-selection issue. Except there are certain religious denominations that generally high a higher divorce rate, except for those that do have the counseling as part of their culture... and it's fairly distinct.

    I guess I'm asking if anyone has any experience on this...and if so, was it with a psychologist/therapist (with the forms you each fill out to compare differences) or with a priest/other religious figure where it was mostly talked out?

    And of course, any other advice/comments always welcome from those poor souls already lost.
    We went to Pre-Cana through the Catholic church.
    We loved it.

    Oh my goodness!
    Can you believe it has been 25 years and I just now realized why it's called Cana?!


    (I highly recommend the Dave Ramsey course, too - so you can be on the same page with your finances.)

Similar Threads

  1. Pre-Halloween bitching...
    By The Ü™ in forum The Fluff Zone
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 10-20-2013, 03:55 PM
  2. Replies: 24
    Last Post: 09-25-2007, 09:34 PM
  3. Christianity Today Poll (same-sex marriages)
    By Totenkindly in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 67
    Last Post: 09-14-2007, 08:53 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO